I don't even know how to initiate conversation with a girl in the first place (at least, a conversation in which the potential of being more than friends is on the table), let alone when I have to do it while acting like I totally didn't look up all her interests online before really meeting her. So I'm figuring if I do anything, I might actually just gonna be honest and say I looked her up online and thought she sounded cool. Eventually, at least. If I just started talking to her without ever mentioning it, I think I'd feel like I was kind of leading her on (especially if we "just happened" to find out later on that we have common interests).
I'll try to say it in a non-awkward way, but if it wasn't at least a little awkward, it wouldn't really be me. I am willing to change myself for someone, if it's one of the things about me that really needs to be changed and I can genuinely change it, but I don't want to ever pretend to be someone I'm not. I'm not in this dating thing to get in people's pants, I'm looking for a lifelong companion, and if I start building that relationship on deception, it's all downhill from here. Heck, if all I wanted was sex, it's not like I haven't got hands. I don't need to waste anyone else's time if that's what I'm ultimately after (If this part sounds like I'm implying that all of you guys are just a bunch of depraved emotionless sex maniacs, that's not at all what I'm trying to imply. Sorry if it sounded that way. This kind of stuff doesn't usually translate too well from my head into words).
Awkward is who I am, and while I do want to and am trying to become at least a little more socially competent, I don't think I'm ever going to outgrow it completely, and I need someone who will be cool with that part of me, as well as the part of me that compliments noses. I'm not going to intentionally enhance my awkwardness in a vain effort to be more endearing and Cera-esque (well, okay, I might a little, but that seems to be involuntary), but if I tried to overly suppress my awkwardness, it would just be awkward. And if things are going to be awkward anyway, I might as well do it in the way that's familiar to me.
Ugh, I hate being such a drama monarch about this stuff. Every time I think about asking a girl out, it turns into a ten-minute long monologue like this (these four paragraphs are severely pared down from the way it went in my head) that gets way melodramatic. Why can't I be more casual? Do I even want to be? Ah, [darn it], I'm just gonna talk to her tomorrow and say... something. I don't know. Part of me is saying that if she's really right for me, she won't just instantly reject me, but the rest of me is still afraid of ruining my chances with someone who seems to be so perfect. It's kind of like my fear of heights -- whenever I'm somewhere really high up, I get worried about falling, not because the odds of falling are any higher than they are on the ground (they're usually not), but because the consequences of screwing up this time are so high.
Her profile picture is some character from FLCL, so maybe I'll see her at anime club when it starts up next month. Maybe I'll just wait for that. Might be a bit of a gamble, though.
I also notice that it seems like I basically came here for advice, then rejected all advice that wasn't what I already wanted to believe. Sorry about that, guys. I'll try to be a better advice recipient next time. I know going with my gut has never gotten me a girl before, but in retrospect, all of the girls it failed on would have been wrong for me anyway, and I don't think that's just sour grapes talking. So maybe.
(and it was a very cute nose, by the way)
