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Miscellaneous => Forum Games => Topic started by: Weegee on October 16, 2009, 01:04:55 PM

Title: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on October 16, 2009, 01:04:55 PM
...Not to be confused with You Get Aroused, You Lose.

Yeah, so this is the thread for puns, one-liners and just-plain-awful jokes. Overly ripe produce is available in the lobby for your pelting pleasure. Without further ado,

Two Eskimoes are paddling down a frigid Arctic river. In an attempt to keep warm they light a fire in their canoe, but the craft sinks in the process. This just goes to show that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess entusiasts are bragging about their skills in a hotel lobby. They eventually become so noisy that the hotel manager asks them to be quiet or leave. He explains to them that he can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Go!
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: dc804 on October 16, 2009, 01:06:23 PM
I found this, I think it should win the thread

(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.b3tards.com%2Fu%2Fde58d727d37d35b16b4d%2Fhulk.jpg&hash=a61940fc895910249b15500ec0c7a6f3)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Mr. Wiggles on October 16, 2009, 01:27:24 PM
I love that picture. How ironic that Hogan's theme is called "Real American".

You could say he flights for what's right.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Turtlekid1 on October 16, 2009, 02:18:11 PM
So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.

Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
here. He's going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last
chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone
area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
not look well. Do you hear me?"

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes
out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk
now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"

He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
to try asking for help.

"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."

A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
bitten. By the snake.

"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!

"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
afterlife?"

"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."

"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"

"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here."

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
dying of thirst.

"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
two, if you drank enough of it."

"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.

"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.

"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
Samson.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?"

"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
You've been changed.

"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
you."

"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?"

"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.

"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
fluid, and just denature it?"

"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still color wiper fluid blue?"

"Yeah, they do," said Jack.

"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"

Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"

"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes
to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
staring at him.

"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
request to me."

"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
really a change to me?"

"Right," nodded Nate.

"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.

"That takes two requests, Jack."

"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"

"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
all depends on what you decide to do with it."

"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
after this one?"

"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
shoulders.

"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
Do I need to sign in blood or something?"

"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...

Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
hoodwink me like that."

"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."

"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
something instead?"

"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second."

"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear," answered Jack.

"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
just start talking?"

"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."

"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
answered Nate.

"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
"What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
No thanks. Just talk."

"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
"You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.

"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
sky.

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."

"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
out early tomorrow, Jack."

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"

"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."

"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"

"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
of years, at least."

"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.

"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."

"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there?" asked Jack.

"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
been here ever since.

"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"

"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
Nate was suddenly there in the way.

"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.

"Why not?" asked Jack.

"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.

"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot."

"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.

"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"

"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
really do?"

"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"

Nate continued to grin.

"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?"

"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."

"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.

"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
you want to, Jack?"

"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."

"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
to secrecy, that is?"

"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"

"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.

"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"

"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
to know."

"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack."

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?"

"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
ago."

"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
first told him. What did he do?"

"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."

"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.

"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.

"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"

"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."

"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
his third request?"

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
"Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."

"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
to me.

Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"

"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his
shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"

"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
Like he had a lot to think about."

"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to
face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.

"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.

"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll
turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"

"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes,
straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there.
With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot
in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the
now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet
extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to
the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been
recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped
bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever,
his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he
was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he
thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

"Nate, do accidents count?"

Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know,
accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does
that still wipe out humanity?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that
if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.

A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.

"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.

"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull
the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a
rock?"

"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated
you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote
control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by
the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that
in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they
wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or
whatever had disappeared."

"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him
off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too,
right?" asked Jack.

"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."

"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long.
Do you know what he died of, Nate?"

"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat
sad.

Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in
society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start
questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He
faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and
he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he
liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.

"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't
stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend
time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he
told me he'd had enough. It was his time."

"And then he just died?" asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. "He made his fourth request, Jack. There's only
one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his
time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always
had.

After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone
with the sunrise."

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his
memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.

Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with
the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except
that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to
get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long
walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made
it back easily.

Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day,
little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert
and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with
a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV.
They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without
incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's
lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.

Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a
book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to
avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see
Nate.

Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new
backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then
started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he
knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of,
and shouldn't really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers.
Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world,
others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate,
and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but
that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought
a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger,
special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a
special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot
rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out
its location to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him
fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he
'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years,
working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile
any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps
because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote,
and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started
traveling around the country for book signings and readings.

But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been
a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing
Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace
Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this
visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at
Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's
silence, sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."

Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?

"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son."
Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the
dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.

"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I
assume?"

Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around
for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the
edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me
about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the
other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to
have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.

"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have
that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even
joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can
do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was
something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said,
"Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet
ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my
first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to
know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But
anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I
needed a replacement."

Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world,
and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"

Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've
already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave
here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about
this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would
be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another
hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself.
Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said
was, "What do you want me to do?"

Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around
the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here
and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.

"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of
old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now.
I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be
able to die. And I need you to kill me.

"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And
I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so
that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd
say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground
or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of
going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work,
even on me.

"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.

"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."

Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy!
Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."

Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it
back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then
headed into the desert with Sammy following.
Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through
e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting
every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a
natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up
acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to
keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were
nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a
few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle
them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few
wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the
newspapers or the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some
undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally
drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was
stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that
Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans
could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told
Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from
his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to
Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by
getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as
much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was
definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to
head back and see Nate.

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he
and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up
Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those
years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like
walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to
figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either
have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his
resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was
only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks
afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they
drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of
sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out
into the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been
nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds,
revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to
the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed
up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd
decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing
traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to
keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the
other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and
laughing at Jack's driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw
that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate,
waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV
started slipping down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped
the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and
faster.

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were
heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for
it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end
humanity.

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't
working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second,
Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the
lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit
the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer
away.

Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a
little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just
right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that
they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something
else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped
around the lever. He was off to
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Turtlekid1 on October 16, 2009, 02:20:00 PM
the side of the lever, but still on the
stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of
the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV
was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the
sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the
lever to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy
realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.
Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER," he ran over the snake.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: PaperLuigi on October 16, 2009, 04:06:07 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F1.bp.blogspot.com%2F_OtBEp3z_0Ww%2FSm6v2vUm-MI%2FAAAAAAAAAU4%2FzFncl5oZLfc%2Fs400%2Fanger.gif&hash=83451bac40ded4881548920993fbafa9)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on October 16, 2009, 04:17:44 PM
I'd say "tl;dr", but I think that would be the message board equivalent of saying "that's not good" right after a terrorist attack.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: CrossEyed7 on October 16, 2009, 04:56:20 PM
I read it all. Out loud. Took 46 minutes.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on October 16, 2009, 05:02:23 PM
This thread is now hell to try to get to the bottom of on the Wii.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: penguinwizard on October 16, 2009, 06:53:16 PM
No joke should require that much reading to get to a pun. I'd expect it from an uncle's lame campfire story, but not this forum. But then, I should expect it. But I don't because I reject your reality and... whatever.

A classic groaner from Nintendo Power and the associated AVGN review:

Q. What did Zelda say to Link when he couldn't open the door?
A. Try Force.

(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcidutest.files.wordpress.com%2F2007%2F10%2Flol-oct-offthemark.gif&hash=d5218184e5ffbca886f112c500dedc11)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: PaperLuigi on October 16, 2009, 07:31:42 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fritzcartoons.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2009%2F10%2F20091012-w.jpg&hash=e727b2c8ff09b583fa696f7d33f97488)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Glorb on October 16, 2009, 09:16:18 PM
You know what's a groaner??










































































































































































































































































This thread!!!
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: dc804 on October 16, 2009, 09:31:15 PM
I paid a kid to do my geometry homework. Part of it was to draw a ninety degree angle. ****er drew a forty degree angle. Oh well, I guess that if I wanted it drawn right, I should have done it myself. It wasn't too bad though. He drew an angle that could talk. I thought it was a cute angle.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on October 17, 2009, 08:49:44 AM
I maybe-lost to the pipe dream thing.

My house is on a hill, and so there's a large vista behind it overlooking the whole town. I took it upon myself to invite a friend over to show it to. He saw it as we were approaching the backyard and he said "that's it? It's not that amazing". I told him "Well, I like it, but then again, that's just my point of view."
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: dc804 on October 18, 2009, 10:14:26 AM
Counting stuff using the 'pencil-marks-on-paper' method has been outlawed in Afghanistan.

...because of the tally ban.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Glorb on October 18, 2009, 03:15:26 PM
This is me:

(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimagecache5.art.com%2Fp%2FLRG%2F21%2F2115%2FT74ED00Z%2Fresident-evil--zombie.jpg&hash=9a6d5b04fe6f789110648a86440382af)

Cos I lost.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: jdaster64 on November 01, 2009, 02:10:57 PM
9 YEAR BUMP!!!
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on November 01, 2009, 10:19:05 PM
^ What a man with priapism may have to deal with.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on November 27, 2009, 11:16:10 PM
What does the "L." in Samuel L. Jackson's name stand for?

"Mother****ing".
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on December 15, 2009, 08:27:54 PM
Fun fact: Ekans, Arbok and Muk all spell what they're based on backwards.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Turtlekid1 on December 15, 2009, 08:34:37 PM
I am now adding "Muk" to my arsenal of stealthy euphemisms.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on December 15, 2009, 08:39:46 PM
Just be certain that pulling that one out doesn't get you into any sticky siuations.
Title: Man, if this stuff had been in YLYL I would have lost so hard already.
Post by: Rao on December 16, 2009, 09:54:34 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road?


























































































To get to the other side!
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on December 28, 2009, 11:56:29 PM
Look! It's...

(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi447.photobucket.com%2Falbums%2Fqq191%2FEWBinSC%2FGeorgeJohnPaulandRingo.jpg&hash=612b3922add521d698983a45821eab52)

...John Paul, George and Ringo!
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on December 29, 2009, 07:26:00 AM
I pretty much lost... and will now transform that picture into a joke for use elsewhere verbally.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on January 03, 2010, 11:04:38 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.geekstir.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2009%2F03%2Fgoodneweveryone.jpg&hash=5ee59f48a7ab2e6e1a4a0f86718861b7)

It's like losing the Game, only slightly more original.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: penguinwizard on January 04, 2010, 11:55:56 AM
You totally know that's how we read forum comments. The avatar becomes the person. That's why I liked this one guy's avatar at another forum, which was the llama in Emperor's New Groove holding his mouth shut after making a llama sound. The picture makes it look more like he just burped. So I get to hear that person's comments as a belching llama. Fun times.

I never noticed before, but those are some weird glasses the Professor has. Look how far they stick out.

Here's a groany:

(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cybercellar.com%2Fnewsletter%2Fassets%2FCartoons%2Fyou_rock.gif&hash=aad2c5bd5fbd52b4b353570ffcf0d420)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: foxmccloudfan on January 10, 2010, 05:56:15 PM
So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.

Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
here. He's going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last
chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone
area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
not look well. Do you hear me?"

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes
out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk
now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"

He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
to try asking for help.

"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."

A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
bitten. By the snake.

"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!

"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
afterlife?"

"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."

"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"

"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here."

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
dying of thirst.

"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
two, if you drank enough of it."

"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.

"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.

"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
Samson.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?"

"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
You've been changed.

"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
you."

"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?"

"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.

"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
fluid, and just denature it?"

"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still color wiper fluid blue?"

"Yeah, they do," said Jack.

"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"

Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"

"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes
to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
staring at him.

"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
request to me."

"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
really a change to me?"

"Right," nodded Nate.

"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.

"That takes two requests, Jack."

"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"

"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
all depends on what you decide to do with it."

"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
after this one?"

"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
shoulders.

"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
Do I need to sign in blood or something?"

"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...

Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
hoodwink me like that."

"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."

"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
something instead?"

"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second."

"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear," answered Jack.

"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
just start talking?"

"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."

"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
answered Nate.

"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
"What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
No thanks. Just talk."

"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
"You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.

"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
sky.

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."

"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
out early tomorrow, Jack."

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"

"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."

"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"

"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
of years, at least."

"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.

"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."

"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there?" asked Jack.

"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
been here ever since.

"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"

"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
Nate was suddenly there in the way.

"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.

"Why not?" asked Jack.

"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.

"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot."

"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.

"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"

"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
really do?"

"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"

Nate continued to grin.

"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?"

"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."

"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.

"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
you want to, Jack?"

"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."

"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
to secrecy, that is?"

"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"

"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.

"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"

"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
to know."

"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack."

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?"

"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
ago."

"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
first told him. What did he do?"

"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."

"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.

"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.

"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"

"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."

"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
his third request?"

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
"Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."

"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
to me.

Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"

"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his
shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"

"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
Like he had a lot to think about."

"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to
face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.

"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.

"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll
turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"

"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes,
straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there.
With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot
in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the
now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet
extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to
the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been
recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped
bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever,
his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he
was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he
thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

"Nate, do accidents count?"

Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know,
accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does
that still wipe out humanity?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that
if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.

A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.

"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.

"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull
the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a
rock?"

"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated
you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote
control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by
the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that
in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they
wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or
whatever had disappeared."

"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him
off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too,
right?" asked Jack.

"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."

"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long.
Do you know what he died of, Nate?"

"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat
sad.

Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in
society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start
questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He
faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and
he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he
liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.

"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't
stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend
time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he
told me he'd had enough. It was his time."

"And then he just died?" asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. "He made his fourth request, Jack. There's only
one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his
time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always
had.

After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone
with the sunrise."

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his
memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.

Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with
the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except
that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to
get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long
walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made
it back easily.

Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day,
little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert
and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with
a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV.
They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without
incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's
lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.

Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a
book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to
avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see
Nate.

Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new
backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then
started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he
knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of,
and shouldn't really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers.
Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world,
others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate,
and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but
that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought
a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger,
special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a
special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot
rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out
its location to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him
fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he
'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years,
working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile
any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps
because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote,
and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started
traveling around the country for book signings and readings.

But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been
a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing
Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace
Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this
visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at
Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's
silence, sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."

Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?

"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son."
Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the
dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.

"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I
assume?"

Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around
for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the
edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me
about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the
other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to
have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.

"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have
that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even
joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can
do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was
something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said,
"Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet
ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my
first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to
know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But
anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I
needed a replacement."

Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world,
and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"

Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've
already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave
here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about
this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would
be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another
hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself.
Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said
was, "What do you want me to do?"

Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around
the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here
and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.

"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of
old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now.
I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be
able to die. And I need you to kill me.

"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And
I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so
that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd
say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground
or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of
going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work,
even on me.

"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.

"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."

Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy!
Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."

Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it
back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then
headed into the desert with Sammy following.
Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through
e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting
every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a
natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up
acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to
keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were
nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a
few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle
them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few
wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the
newspapers or the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some
undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally
drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was
stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that
Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans
could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told
Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from
his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to
Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by
getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as
much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was
definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to
head back and see Nate.

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he
and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up
Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those
years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like
walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to
figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either
have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his
resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was
only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks
afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they
drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of
sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out
into the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been
nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds,
revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to
the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed
up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd
decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing
traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to
keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the
other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and
laughing at Jack's driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw
that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate,
waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV
started slipping down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped
the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and
faster.

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were
heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for
it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end
humanity.

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't
working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second,
Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the
lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit
the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer
away.

Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a
little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just
right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that
they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something
else that he hadn't seen from t
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: foxmccloudfan on January 10, 2010, 06:42:26 PM
I read it all. Out loud. Took 46 minutes.
Only took me 39.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on January 10, 2010, 06:47:21 PM
I imagine that being somewhat similar to The Funniest Joke in the World (of Monty Python fame), only instead of killing everyone who reads it, it makes whoever you tell it to try to kill you.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: foxmccloudfan on January 10, 2010, 06:56:07 PM
ill never be able to tell it
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on January 29, 2010, 10:08:18 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.encyclopediadramatica.com%2Fimages%2Fb%2Fb9%2FHorshaken.jpg&hash=df8fb086cb8b6af541b2175867054cf1)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: coolkid on January 29, 2010, 11:15:26 PM
Is it wrong that I laughed my ass off big time at that?
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fuserserve-ak.last.fm%2Fserve%2F500%2F178511%2FThe%2BBeatles.jpg&hash=acd44acad0b149bfb3ccbf3e606ee47b)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on January 29, 2010, 11:32:17 PM
Is it wrong that I didn't at that?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: coolkid on January 30, 2010, 12:05:23 AM
No, not the pic I posted!
The one by Weegee was funny.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on January 30, 2010, 12:15:02 AM
No, I know what you meant. Here, let me clarify:

Weegee's: Funny.
The Beatles picture: ...?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: penguinwizard on January 30, 2010, 12:20:51 AM
I like the ones where David Caruso puts shades over his shades.

But the Beatles ones... I don't get it. If they're Ringo suicide jokes, then I don't get it. Anyone find Lennon's grin a bit creepy though?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: coolkid on January 30, 2010, 01:34:23 AM
The Beatles pic isn't supposed to be funny. It's not supposed to make you groan 'cuz it's cheesy. It's supposed to make you groan because it's supposed to be like "UGH...REALLY?"
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: penguinwizard on January 30, 2010, 02:36:30 AM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fjustafewthoughts.files.wordpress.com%2F2007%2F11%2Fcrazy-frog.jpg&hash=31e13e7837aa61b2ef5d31ffbbe18a80)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on January 30, 2010, 09:55:06 AM
...Okay, I see what's going on here.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: coolkid on January 30, 2010, 12:06:21 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fjustafewthoughts.files.wordpress.com%2F2007%2F11%2Fcrazy-frog.jpg&hash=31e13e7837aa61b2ef5d31ffbbe18a80)
AKA: Some Stoned Hawaiian Guy on an acid trip, seeing himself 5 years later
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on January 30, 2010, 07:18:05 PM
I hate to say it, but doubling up on drug use references actually makes an observation less funny.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: coolkid on January 30, 2010, 07:48:52 PM
Yes, that thing I added was stupid as an edit, but I actually meant to type it.
I tried to be kinda quick, so it didn't look like all I did was try to make it look "edgy" and I really can't stand it when people think plain vulgarity is funny on it's own. IE, Encyclopedia Dramatica.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on January 30, 2010, 08:47:38 PM
Well, I'm glad you're honest.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on January 30, 2010, 09:05:43 PM
Wouldn't a stoned guy on an acid trip cancel himself out?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: penguinwizard on January 30, 2010, 09:30:56 PM
"It's like that drug trip in that movie I saw when I was on that drug trip."
-- Fry, "Futurama"
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: coolkid on February 04, 2010, 06:31:45 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fknowyourmeme.com%2Fi%2F000%2F036%2F498%2Foriginal%2Fyeoldecaruso.jpg%3F1263871946&hash=7f4130b69ed69b0a1cac3cabb40c2d07)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on February 04, 2010, 06:43:12 PM
Would've lost, had it not been for "corpseth".
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Turtlekid1 on February 04, 2010, 07:07:51 PM
I would've lost if this were YLYL.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: nensondubois on February 04, 2010, 07:35:23 PM
I don't get it.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: penguinwizard on February 04, 2010, 07:57:10 PM
I lost, as it's one of those CSI Miami Horatio Caine (the guy with the shades) lame one-liner "YEEEAAAAAHHHH" moments in medieval times. The shades sell it, but the best part is the medieval version of the yell in the last panel.

I imagine the 70s version would be "GROOOOOOOVY" or "FAAAAAAAR OUT".
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: jdaster64 on February 05, 2010, 01:34:54 AM
I came close to both groaning and chuckling.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Glorb on February 05, 2010, 08:05:13 AM
I imagine the 70s version would be "GROOOOOOOVY" or "FAAAAAAAR OUT".

The 70s version would be the same, I would hope.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on February 05, 2010, 08:08:45 AM
I saw the comments before the picture, but it was still something I... well, I wouldn't say I wish I had thought of it, but definitely funny.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: jdaster64 on February 08, 2010, 10:07:40 PM
http://themushroomkingdom.net/board/index.php?topic=13045.msg567451#msg567451
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Turtlekid1 on February 08, 2010, 10:09:19 PM
I lost.  (Mind you, it was before I saw the link in this thread)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: coolkid on February 14, 2010, 05:23:21 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Forkutluv.com%2Fimages%2FFunny%2520Animation%2520%2528310%2529.gif&hash=c8b8482e9efae42fb6ddb94713793a75)

If the pun didn't make your face hurt, you actually lose for that.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: foxmccloudfan on February 27, 2010, 01:31:11 PM


funny
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Rao on February 27, 2010, 05:26:59 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fknowyourmeme.com%2Fi%2F000%2F036%2F498%2Foriginal%2Fyeoldecaruso.jpg%3F1263871946&hash=7f4130b69ed69b0a1cac3cabb40c2d07)
How does "VERILY" translate to "YEAH"?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Rao on February 27, 2010, 05:28:01 PM
It would be better if it were like "indeed" or something.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: penguinwizard on February 27, 2010, 05:28:49 PM
How does "VERILY" translate to "YEAH"?
Main Entry: ver·i·ly
Pronunciation: \ˈver-ə-lē\
Function: adverb
Etymology: Middle English verraily, from verray very
Date: 14th century
1 : YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!


But actually, "verily" is close in meaning to Rao's "indeed", so apparently you're getting an interpretation out of it that I'm not getting. I thought the appropriate response to a Caruso one-liner was a shout of joy, not a "Yup, mm-hmm, that them there's the truth."
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Turtlekid1 on February 27, 2010, 05:31:11 PM
^I lost.

http://notalwaysright.com/tricky-customers-are-just-killer-part-2/4462
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: coolkid on March 02, 2010, 11:08:44 AM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F9gag.com%2Fphoto%2F19318_540.jpg&hash=c605d2548b77eba374fe9f94c2ed3bd4)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on March 19, 2010, 08:39:41 PM
Pokemon food for thought: Isn't it ironic that the Day-Care Centre in HG/SS is located on Route 34?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: cosmic_c on March 19, 2010, 09:13:47 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fjustafewthoughts.files.wordpress.com%2F2007%2F11%2Fcrazy-frog.jpg&hash=31e13e7837aa61b2ef5d31ffbbe18a80)

>:( I lost
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: cosmic_c on March 20, 2010, 09:39:29 AM
This outta make you lose.
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fec1.images-amazon.com%2Fimages%2FP%2FB000G0LE0Y.01.LZZZZZZZ.jpg&hash=842f03a5af486fdc32930d38afa4aeed)
wow, PLATINUM must mean ALOT!
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: coolkid on March 20, 2010, 07:36:41 PM
_
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: cosmic_c on March 20, 2010, 07:51:53 PM
Seriously, sonic 360 sucked
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on March 20, 2010, 07:58:23 PM
I did, indeed, groan out loud at seeing StH as a "Hit". I think that's a coded way of saying "This game sucked the first time around--maybe people will think it's good if we put another border around the box art".
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: penguinwizard on March 20, 2010, 11:17:57 PM
People washed their brains with bleach after playing Sonic 360. Now they don't remember it anymore. Perfect ploy to get them to give it another chance. Also, a description of the "Sonic Cycle". Fans are disappointed by every new Sonic game, but they keep on playing them and holding out hope that the next one will be awesome.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: coolkid on March 21, 2010, 10:04:10 AM
You mean this?
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpics.fort90.com%2Fforum%2Fsonic_cycle.jpg&hash=6f0bfffc823a8c794d76ae56bf86b3f2)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: penguinwizard on March 21, 2010, 11:32:51 AM
Well, that's a better version than the one I had in mind, so... yes.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: cosmic_c on March 21, 2010, 03:35:01 PM
No he means this
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on March 21, 2010, 04:14:30 PM
You might remove that image, guy. Posting pictures wth profanity is frowned upon in these parts.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: waddle_doo on March 21, 2010, 04:57:16 PM
heavily frowned upon. I'm not above reporting.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: coolkid on March 21, 2010, 06:36:39 PM
DavidDayton is late again, apparently.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: penguinwizard on March 21, 2010, 06:37:20 PM
David will-- yeah, you beat me to it.

Here's the fixed version (http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b396/folgrimeo/soniccyclecycle.jpg).
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Lizard Dude on March 21, 2010, 11:01:26 PM
Pokemon food for thought: Isn't it ironic that the Day-Care Centre in HG/SS is located on Route 34?
Wait, huh? Why?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: penguinwizard on March 22, 2010, 12:20:53 AM
Wait, huh? Why?
This is how you know someone's young, a newbie to the internet, or not a furry.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: WarpRattler on March 22, 2010, 03:59:54 AM
Or not a meme-obsessed moron.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Turtlekid1 on March 22, 2010, 06:42:16 AM
You don't have to be obsessed with memes or a moron to get the reference, or even to find it funny.  There are more than just the "Off" and "High" settings regarding memes.

Also, I wouldn't really call Rule 34 a meme, but maybe I just haven't seen it invoked used quoted enough.

(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg339.imageshack.us%2Fimg339%2F5564%2Fpearls032210edit.png&hash=794c9b83961211172c5acfec1107bbdb)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on March 22, 2010, 07:24:51 AM
Though a rudimentary understanding of internet memes would probably be needed to "get" Rule 34, I'd agree that it, in and of itself, is not really a meme.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on March 22, 2010, 04:43:12 PM
****ing off Warp with memes is now a meme.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: penguinwizard on March 22, 2010, 10:28:00 PM
I'll meme to that.

(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.erictabone.com%2F2009%2F02%2F07%2FBh0CcnyQKic5cgjrnJZYpGepo1_400.jpg&hash=01270004b4be19092b99643ae895514b)

Oh, and I just realized I'm listening to Doobie Brothers' "Cycles" right now.

By the way, my favorite memes are One Does Not Simply X Into Mordor and HNNNNNNG-- [end of line]
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Glorb on March 23, 2010, 05:56:44 PM
heavily frowned upon. I'm not above reporting.

Where I come from, snitching is very heavily frowned upon.

Just sayin'.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on March 23, 2010, 07:35:43 PM
favorite memes

Myself, Chuck Norris facts, Cockmongler, and most Advice Dog spinoffs.

Go go go.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: PaperLuigi on March 23, 2010, 08:27:02 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsuptg.thisisnotatrueending.com%2Farchive%2F6419304%2Fimages%2F1256439632710.jpg&hash=3bb21da92b1e7e6b34fb0a271dfe2d11)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Rao on March 23, 2010, 08:53:58 PM
no its not funny and for the last time stop posting that fat guy
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: WarpRattler on March 24, 2010, 05:56:55 AM
That's probably the worst WarpRattler impression I've ever seen, Rao.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Turtlekid1 on March 24, 2010, 06:08:42 AM
no its not funny and for the last time stop posting that fat guy
Oh, the (http://themushroomkingdom.net/board/index.php?topic=12784.msg570187#msg570187) irony (http://themushroomkingdom.net/board/index.php?topic=10053.msg567992#msg567992).

Poor, poor, naive Rao.  Dr. Ivo Rrrobotnik is funnier than you could ever hope to be.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: coolkid on March 24, 2010, 01:34:10 PM
My fav. meme is actually that fad on YouTube. You know, X DOES X WHILE I PLAY UNFITTING MUSIC.
Not to mention SOME YouTube Poop, as well as THIS VIDEO CONTAINS X.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Turtlekid1 on March 24, 2010, 03:05:24 PM
"X does X while I play unfitting music" isn't really a meme, is it?  I mean, it seems to be fairly popular, but...

Also, I'm pretty sure YTP has become its own facet of internet culture.  Sure, a lot of YTPs reference memes, but just as many create their own jokes with clever audio editing.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on March 25, 2010, 07:49:58 AM
Does "it's gonna be hot?" count? Or whatever you call that one...
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on March 25, 2010, 06:23:56 PM
Since it's rarely applied outside of its original context, I wouldn't call "(Pretty Much Everywhere) It's Gonna Be Hot" a meme per se.

But whatever.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: CrossEyed7 on March 25, 2010, 06:33:18 PM
Thanks, Arthur, for making us laugh about love again.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Turtlekid1 on March 30, 2010, 08:25:21 PM
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: CrossEyed7 on March 30, 2010, 08:44:55 PM
I bet they charged him with battery.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: penguinwizard on March 30, 2010, 09:30:53 PM
I bet he blew his top when he saw what he was charged with.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on March 30, 2010, 09:53:34 PM
If anything, I'd bet he was shocked.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Lizard Dude on March 30, 2010, 10:00:06 PM
Kids like that are just corrosive to society.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on March 30, 2010, 10:10:24 PM
The battery kid was initially jailed with another criminal, but the two proved incompatible. He could barely enDure A Cellmate like him.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: penguinwizard on March 31, 2010, 12:08:54 AM
He reportedly said to the criminal, "aw, snap-it!" and exploded in morning glory.

...well that didn't come out right.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on March 31, 2010, 07:10:18 AM
That was awesome. I mean, I lost.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: iamthewalrus on March 31, 2010, 02:51:54 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsaturdaymorningcentral.com%2Farticles%2Farticle_images%2F46_7.jpg&hash=0bb63e1213bfb5707be791774738d3f1)
I swear to God this is real.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on March 31, 2010, 04:34:31 PM
The question is, how old is that?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on March 31, 2010, 04:43:43 PM
1994, according to Amazon (http://www.amazon.com/Mickey-Unrapped-Disney/dp/B000001M17). Note that Mickey is pointing at his dick, by the way.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: penguinwizard on April 01, 2010, 10:08:53 AM
Why does "Mickey Unrapped" not sound like such a bad idea?

In related news, Song of the South was released on DVD today (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0493201/).
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Glorb on April 02, 2010, 11:07:04 AM
It's not the real one, for better or for worse.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: penguinwizard on April 02, 2010, 01:39:29 PM
I know. April Fools joke, ha ha. Although Brer Rabbit's head is pretty huge in that picture.

Uh, lame joke... Hopper? I brerely know her!
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: iamthewalrus on April 03, 2010, 12:05:36 AM
Why does "Mickey Unrapped" not sound like such a bad idea?
You've obviously never heard it. If you did, your ears would bleed for days.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: penguinwizard on April 03, 2010, 12:19:20 AM
...yeah, that's... pretty bad. "U Can't Botch This?" Oh you bet your tail you can. My ears don't bleed at Mickey. They bleed at this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vhp1fU1G-tc).
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on April 07, 2010, 08:46:11 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4chanarchive.org%2Fimages%2F80870088%2F1219109230431.jpg&hash=869cf7e95e7b3c613717b17dbf42f213)

DURR HURR HURR
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Turtlekid1 on April 13, 2010, 03:30:44 PM
http://themushroomkingdom.net/board/index.php?topic=11615.msg571334#msg571334
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on April 29, 2010, 06:06:59 PM
How to make money with your old copy of Superman 64:

(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.encyclopediadramatica.com%2Fimages%2F2%2F25%2FEBay_Blank_N64_Cart.png&hash=cff3322b4e4b47769c109784bb38f0b3)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Turtlekid1 on April 29, 2010, 06:08:58 PM
That's more in Y"A,"YL territory, if you ask me.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: penguinwizard on April 29, 2010, 09:28:58 PM
That's like the Mystery Box of videogames. That's like when GameLife went into a pawn shop, spotted the NES games Gilligan's Island and some Bullwinkle game, then asked readers which of the two to buy and play. It was pretty obvious both would suck, but the mystery was which would suck more.

You might say "but a mystery N64 cartridge might be a GOOD game!" Yeah right. Let's say it was a blank SNES cartridge of Chrono Trigger. Chances are the price it's sold for wouldn't be much different from buying a labeled Chrono Trigger cartridge, so people wouldn't risk it. And no one would willingly sell a mystery cartridge of that game anyway.

Now, if the blank N64 cartridge was a prototype of Dinosaur Planet or Conker 64, then that'd be a different story. But I don't think that's likely to happen either.

No, the next step of this prank is to sell a lame game with the sticker of a good game over it. You think you're buying Super Mario Kart, but you're really buying Mr. Nutz.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on April 29, 2010, 09:44:46 PM
Note that buyers continue to bid despite the ****ing Grinch being included in the photo gallery. I suppose the middle-aged men who dominate the dying web-auction market are completely oblivious to trolling...
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: penguinwizard on April 29, 2010, 10:56:35 PM
Well, the other images hint that it's a complete mystery, check out that MS Paint face on the third pic (that's obviously fake), so the Grinch thing just adds to the "what COULD it be? It could be a fox game, a box game, a socks game, you don't know! Mwahaha" vibe. Besides, there might be people crazy enough to bid on a fruitless auction (and if they actually get a mysterious game, so much the better. I suppose they didn't consider it might be a cartridge with a bomb or dangerous chemical inside).

If there was an auction for an unreleased game called Half-Dress: Freeman Bangs His Crowbar, would you Glorb buy it?
...that's my groaner entry.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Lizard Dude on April 29, 2010, 11:30:17 PM
I suppose the middle-aged men who dominate the dying web-auction market are completely oblivious to trolling...
Why do you call it dying?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on April 30, 2010, 06:21:40 PM
Our news station ran an ongoing, 20/20-style exposé on internet action sites, citing how they've become monopolized by longtime users and how they hold little appeal for younger people. The industry as a whole has developed something of a negative stigma among many, as it seems.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Glorb on May 01, 2010, 10:24:12 AM
If there was an auction for an unreleased game called Half-Dress: Freeman Bangs His Crowbar, would you Glorb buy it?

Hell no. That's stupid.

I would bid on it, yes, but I wouldn't straight-up buy it.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on May 01, 2010, 01:20:35 PM
Suuure.


Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead!
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Toad on May 02, 2010, 03:04:51 PM
Yoshi jumped on it

Why was the fly dancing on the lid of the jar?

The instructions said "Twist to open"
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on May 03, 2010, 08:37:48 PM
About half of these are mine. If you're not fond of Dc804-style humour, read no further.














































Sex is boring.
Incest is relatively boring.
Necrophilia is dead boring.
Oral sex is unspeakably boring.
Sex with a power drill is literally boring.
Sex with a mental patient is insanely boring.
Sex with a theoretical physicist is mind-bogglingly boring.
Sex with a rapper is ludicrously boring.
Sex with an infertile woman is inconceivably boring.
Sex with a midget is a little boring.
Sex with a knife is bloody boring.
Sex with Rosie O'Donnell is immensely boring.
Sex with an atheist is unbelievably boring.
Sex with a hooker is whoring.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Mr. Wiggles on May 09, 2010, 12:12:43 AM
http://girlsdontplaygames.com/ (http://girlsdontplaygames.com/)

That's right, she's a GIRL GAMUR, don't hit on her you silly boys.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on May 09, 2010, 12:23:16 AM
I stumbled across her site a while ago. Googling her real name reveals that she's an absolute skank IRL with no interest in gaming besides those *****y comics.

I was disappoint.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Lizard Dude on May 09, 2010, 01:25:06 AM
How was she an "absolute skank"?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Mr. Wiggles on May 09, 2010, 01:43:07 AM
You mean because she likes to cosplay?

To be honest, I find the unfunnyness of her comics far more offensive than her alleged lack of interest in video games. That would explain the terrible writing though.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Lizard Dude on May 09, 2010, 02:52:25 AM
Well, after reading most of the newsposts I can confidently say that she has more interest in gaming than, say, WeeGee.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on May 09, 2010, 03:15:37 PM
How was she an "absolute skank"?

(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fc2.ac-images.myspacecdn.com%2Fimages01%2F118%2Fl_a048eb3e6866f4128ffca05952783171.jpg&hash=8e18956f66a97332d83555017306343e)

Ladies and gentlemen, Sarah Kulyk, AKA illscrewu4adolla (http://www.myspace.com/illscrewu4adolla).
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Lizard Dude on May 09, 2010, 05:14:20 PM
A) I still don't see the skank, besides the username?

B) Are you sure that's even the same person? Why wouldn't she mention her giant, professional-looking website, convention attendance, or even anything at all about videogames on her page?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on May 09, 2010, 06:15:32 PM
Further investigation has proven me wrong: The GDPG Kulyk is 23 (http://jynxed.ca/me.html) according to her art site, while the MySpace one is 17. However, it's still pretty uncanny that the only people online named Sarah Kulyk are both similarly-aged Canadians.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Glorb on May 10, 2010, 11:22:08 PM
Why the **** are you investigating a non-gaming "gamer girl" with such intensity, while calling her a skank?

Stop trying to be Anonymous, Weegee, you just look like a sexually-repressed creeper.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on June 16, 2010, 04:16:52 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4chanarchive.org%2Fimages%2F225067234%2F1273267732521.jpg&hash=ce948c045691c5c22f21c337e11619ac)

Hurrr.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Glorb on June 16, 2010, 05:02:42 PM
You still haven't answered me, Weeg.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: penguinwizard on June 16, 2010, 11:05:05 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffarm4.static.flickr.com%2F3252%2F3066801391_de47dd37bf.jpg%3Fv%3D0&hash=5af5ece8d44d2db006200c33ec461546)

Oh sorry, I thought this was "You Grown, You Lose".
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on June 17, 2010, 11:58:22 AM
If I had I could find a link to You Horny, You Lose, this is where a biting reference to it would've gone.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on June 28, 2010, 09:16:49 PM
Advice Dog and its countless spinoffs will probably outlive TEM himself.

Explicit Language Warning:
http://4chanarchive.org/images/228765234/1274145503493.png


Edit: Sorry, censor and all.  -Black Mage
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: nensondubois on June 28, 2010, 09:23:12 PM
I lost, but they also made me chuckle.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: penguinwizard on June 28, 2010, 09:38:04 PM
More Advice Raccoon please!
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on June 28, 2010, 09:59:23 PM
Search "Punny Raccoon" on 4chanarchive.org for more. However, be aware that the site is laced with extremely NSFW ads.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on June 28, 2010, 10:18:22 PM
I get the feeling it's not just the ads that'll be NSFW there...

Yeah, I was looking at the photo gallery of some page on Facebook that was nothing but meme pictures (inexplicably punctuated a couple of times with about a page of depressing "woe is me, love hurts" crap), and I still can't believe TEM really came up with the original. I mean, in that profile alone, I saw Courage Wolf, Philosoraptor (is that related or not? It looks similar...), some sort of nega-Courage Wolf that gave incredibly bad advice, and a depressing-looking dog that waxed emo. And now there's Punny Raccoon?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Toad on June 28, 2010, 11:07:18 PM
I still prefer the original image, wayyyy back when it was still "Kiss the Puppy".
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on June 28, 2010, 11:43:27 PM
Heck, you should see Know Your Meme. 90% of the more-recent entries use the Advice Dog base.

By the way, Philosoraptor originated before Advice Dog, but soon began using its formula.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Glorb on June 29, 2010, 07:01:37 AM
I wonder how Boba Fett feels about all this.

Also I was just remembering when Weegee found out Advice Dog started here and he jizzed himself explosively. That was funny.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Turtlekid1 on July 13, 2010, 11:42:51 AM
Q. What’s the opposite of anti-matter?
A. Uncle-matter.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on July 13, 2010, 06:49:32 PM
Having logged 45 hours into Dragon Quest, I've become immune to all but the most awful puns.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on August 27, 2010, 09:49:40 AM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F9gag.com%2Fphoto%2F33360_540.jpg&hash=6c0b7a7836635feb77123d76adc3477a)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Lizard Dude on August 27, 2010, 02:40:20 PM
Groan? That's a great idea.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on August 27, 2010, 04:07:05 PM
Well, it just didn't... feel like YL,YL material, for some reason.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on September 17, 2010, 08:22:50 AM
http://9gag.com/gag/36773/
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Black Mage on September 17, 2010, 10:01:15 AM
Oh man.

...
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on October 01, 2010, 06:43:26 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4chanarchive.org%2Fimages%2F276193550%2F1285921039518.jpg&hash=fb2948fb3eddc8e662cf4509f1b68e41)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Turtlekid1 on October 01, 2010, 06:56:45 PM
That was actually pretty good.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on December 29, 2010, 07:43:51 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.chan4chan.com%2Fimg%2F2010-06-06%2F1275785076356.png&hash=be6f15e50287e78b47b19194538bc8cc)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: PaperLuigi on December 29, 2010, 08:25:53 PM
mfw i read "with today's technology, anything is possible."

(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Foi56.tinypic.com%2F2db58gg.jpg&hash=49484c58062a32d997a64196150ca36f)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on January 05, 2011, 01:27:07 AM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDH4Y-M4-eA&feature=related
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: PaperLuigi on January 05, 2011, 02:40:11 AM
Weegee's video reminded me of these two HILARIOUSLY awful dubs of Dragon Ball Z.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UILp8YcR_v4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2bh8g_Jwfg

The second one is Malaysian but the first one is (and I'm not kidding) British. Both done professionally.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Turtlekid1 on January 05, 2011, 11:13:15 AM
That first one... I couldn't watch it all the way through.  It was just too much.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: nensondubois on January 08, 2011, 05:26:28 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fonlycreative.com.au%2Fimages%2Fblog-images%2Fglenn_jones_91.jpg&hash=0fa83c5915b85100b765a784010b6e41)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on January 20, 2011, 09:57:41 PM
^Saved.

(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F4chanarchive.org%2Fimages%2Fg%2F13969492%2F1288290368335.jpg&hash=25bab95d2763eca6c3125311fa43a2e7)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on January 22, 2011, 12:01:26 AM
I lost.

Meanwhile, the Mario one should be in YA, YL.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on January 23, 2011, 12:18:37 AM
http://www.haaretz.com/news/international/saudi-arabia-nabbed-israeli-tagged-vulture-for-being-mossad-spy-1.335171

The title alone should make you lose.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: PaperLuigi on January 23, 2011, 12:50:54 PM
Meanwhile, the Mario one should be in YA, YL.

I disagree. The artist got lazy with that one.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: CrossEyed7 on January 23, 2011, 08:22:04 PM
There's no way Mario is 6 feet tall. That would make Peach like 8 feet. And it would make the humans in NBA Street or whatever one it was that Mario, Luigi, and Peach were in about 13 feet.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Toad on January 23, 2011, 08:24:04 PM
Of course Marios not 6 feet tall. That's just where the blur line placed the top of head.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on February 01, 2011, 09:55:53 PM
Ironically enough, today's kids are worse at using the internet properly than we were. (http://blog.mysanantonio.com/education/2011/02/tree-octopus-exposes-internet-illiteracy/)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on February 05, 2011, 11:17:48 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.chan4chan.com%2Fimg%2F2010-05-22%2F22604.png&hash=ba3ef2d704fdb6ccd927c531ee7b7887)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on February 06, 2011, 01:53:20 PM
Ah, I lost.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on February 10, 2011, 09:10:28 PM
"The Beatles are horrible, THEY COPIED THE JONAS BROTHERS YOU KNOW!" (http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:0GWJdQC5vC0J:app1.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx%3FPostID%3D37659496+%22You+make+up+facts+to+help+your+little+stars%22&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=ca&source=www.google.ca)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Kimimaru on February 11, 2011, 12:19:36 AM
Why didn't you put that in "You Laugh, You Lose"? I would've lost for sure!
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on February 11, 2011, 08:37:07 AM
I could only read so far before I just felt sorry for that... I'm going to assume girl.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: CrossEyed7 on February 15, 2011, 06:24:42 PM
Link (http://memebase.com/2011/01/27/memes-art-of-trolling-this-trolls-a-drag/)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Toad on February 16, 2011, 03:42:08 PM
I don't see anything. It's just a picture that says to drag it..
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Turtlekid1 on February 16, 2011, 03:56:08 PM
Did you drag it?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on February 23, 2011, 08:36:49 PM
.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on February 27, 2011, 04:50:47 PM
Two Mexicans and a Black guy walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get the **** out."
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on February 27, 2011, 10:11:49 PM
I don't know if I groaned, but that certainly sounded familiar.

"Hey, guess what: Eating lots of cheese makes you constipated!"
"No [dukar]."
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Turtlekid1 on March 10, 2011, 09:20:52 AM
My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
...
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am.

Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.

He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.

I told him what happened, and he laughed, too.

Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.

I told her it was chicken.

She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.

So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again.

He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand.

My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on March 10, 2011, 05:33:41 PM
EDIT: Wrong thread.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Turtlekid1 on March 17, 2011, 10:20:46 AM
So two Irishmen walked out of a bar.
















...hey, it could happen!
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Kimimaru on March 17, 2011, 03:28:35 PM
I'd lose to most of these if they were in "You Laugh, You Lose." Nothing posted here really made me groan.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: coolkid on March 29, 2011, 04:54:33 PM
"The Beatles are horrible, THEY COPIED THE JONAS BROTHERS YOU KNOW!" (http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:0GWJdQC5vC0J:app1.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx%3FPostID%3D37659496+%22You+make+up+facts+to+help+your+little+stars%22&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=ca&source=www.google.ca)

http://www.roblox.com/Forum/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=37595639
^Was that it? That link you posted didn't work. Contains sayings such as "JUSTIN BIEBER MAY HE LIVE FOREVER pwns. aagh they are playing a dung beetles song again. family has horrid taste in music, and they don't like DISNEY STARS? how crazy is dat" and "i hate ur dung beetles, they are ugly and weird. there songs are no different from BIEBER MAY HE LIVE FOREVER's except for the fact that they cant make music, and never had any fans."
Yeah, you guys! Playing The BEATLES? What terrible taste! Masterful rock musicians that actually know how to write complex and catchy songs pale in comparison to uninspired, dreadful, dime-a-dozen, autotuned-to-hell teen pop aural abominations to mankind! How could I have not known? Silly me! And over a billion records sold? I SCOFF at such boulderdashery! (Has the terrible sarcasm made you lose yet?)

Anyway, it's obvious he's a troll because he calls Sgt. Pepper "Cpt. Salt". Even Lexc and Puqtd know better than that!
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: lexc123 on March 31, 2011, 05:18:58 PM
ehem. you better think so. Also, I don't want to end up like another ''Glorb.'' I honestly think that some OTHER person (who shall not be named) should be ''totally banned.''
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on March 31, 2011, 05:25:39 PM
Trolls trolling trolls?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: coolkid on March 31, 2011, 07:30:05 PM
ehem. you better think so. Also, I don't want to end up like another ''Glorb.'' I honestly think that some OTHER person (who shall not be named) should be ''totally banned.''

...I'm confused. I mean, on one hand, it's like she's saying I should be banned, but on the other hand, I was talking about SOMEONE ELSE. Brain go boom. Help please? (If she thinks I'm talking about her, that may be the lamest comeback ever. I mean, not trying to bully, but come on.)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Lizard Dude on March 31, 2011, 07:39:13 PM
I honestly think that some OTHER person (who shall not be named) should be ''totally banned.''
The Chef, right?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: coolkid on March 31, 2011, 07:45:04 PM
Hmm, 99% sure it's me because she's referencing my CT. (If so, I lost.)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Lizard Dude on April 09, 2011, 11:00:42 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.yourdailyhumor.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2011%2F02%2Ftangled-sex-640x762.jpg&hash=24589963d259efec43e0d4c47f38f59b)

Finding things that look like the letters S-E-X in Disney movies: classic!
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: PaperLuigi on April 10, 2011, 12:19:08 AM
I'm okay with this.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Insane Steve on April 13, 2011, 08:48:24 PM
I just torrented a bootlegged movie. I looked up its rating out of stars on a movie ratings site and it's currently sitting at 3.14/4.

I guess you could say I downloaded a pi rated movie, then.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Ultima Shadow on April 15, 2011, 04:40:07 AM
I just torrented a bootlegged movie. I looked up its rating out of stars on a movie ratings site and it's currently sitting at 3.14/4.

I guess you could say I downloaded a pi rated movie, then.

You're my new hero.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on April 24, 2011, 12:30:36 PM
.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on April 24, 2011, 03:29:51 PM
I guess I lost. I'm more annoyed that I didn't think of that.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Turtlekid1 on April 30, 2011, 10:06:04 PM
I submitted ten puns to a pun contest, hoping one would win






























but no pun in ten did.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on May 03, 2011, 01:24:47 AM
.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on May 12, 2011, 10:03:59 PM
Good thing there are no girls on this board to be offended by this.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Turtlekid1 on May 12, 2011, 10:06:42 PM
At first I thought that the second column was just repeating the first one word for word.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: A on May 12, 2011, 10:23:01 PM
After reading that, I wanna get a sex change, because I'm a dude and I don't wanna work.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: PaperLuigi on May 13, 2011, 08:19:35 AM
>implying that women don't work
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on May 26, 2011, 08:30:55 PM
Trolling from Nintendo Power, circa 1998:

(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fchanarchive.org%2Fcontent%2F47_vp%2F6526693%2F1306380185116.jpg&hash=69d4c96b858140c62b5964c963c04839)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: The Chef on May 26, 2011, 10:06:26 PM
Trolling how?

Though that last paragraph makes me wish Warp's New Game Plus idea from his ol' Pokemon thread were a reality.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on May 26, 2011, 10:11:01 PM
The last sentence.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: PaperLuigi on May 26, 2011, 10:39:44 PM
"You'll even be able to keep your old Pokemon!"

Good lord, there were some sad children that day.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on May 26, 2011, 11:21:03 PM
The interesting thing is, I don't even have to look to know that I have that issue.

But yeah, that reminds me... that magazine had some great April Fools jokes back in the day. Well, at least they seemed great at the time--I was much younger and more gullible back then.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on May 26, 2011, 11:50:00 PM
I stopped renewing my Nintendo Power subscription soon after Future US molested the once-entertaining publication. Anyways,
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on May 27, 2011, 08:06:55 AM
Yeah, I lost.

I stopped renewing my Nintendo Power subscription soon after Future US molested the once-entertaining publication.
This a million times over, for those who didn't already know.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on June 05, 2011, 01:09:21 AM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fthechive.files.wordpress.com%2F2009%2F07%2Frandom-funny-hilarious-4e-12.jpg&hash=e30e34d3786b6bd2f0178e43d002b7ad)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: PaperLuigi on June 05, 2011, 01:42:11 AM
Guess I'm gay. Nevermind that I'm physically attracted to women...
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on June 06, 2011, 10:08:57 PM
Fowl language warning. (http://sfw.chanarchive.org/4chan/fit/11388)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on June 07, 2011, 07:33:57 AM
I got "502 Bad Gateway".
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Luigison on June 07, 2011, 07:48:34 AM
Fowl Warning:

Why did the hen cross the road halfway? She wanted to lay it on the line.
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road? To stretch her legs.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn't chicken.
What do you call a chicken who crosses the road without looking both ways? Dinner.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens had yet to evolve.
Why did the chicken cross the road twice? He was a double crosser.
Why did the chicken cross the road again? To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? He wanted to get to the other slide.
Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road? Because he didn't have enough guts.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most? Fry-day.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a bell? A bird that has to ring its own neck.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road? She was afraid someone would Caesar!
Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the possum it could actually be done!
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on June 07, 2011, 08:35:00 AM
I got "502 Bad Gateway".

Try the link again later. It's worth it.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: WarpRattler on June 09, 2011, 07:59:01 PM
What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?


                             A small medium at large.                           



Why did the baker croissant the road?


That's just how he rolls.                                                           
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on June 09, 2011, 08:31:39 PM
Lost to the second one.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on June 11, 2011, 12:47:31 AM
.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on June 11, 2011, 09:53:18 AM
I lost.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on June 14, 2011, 10:54:06 PM
;~;
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on June 14, 2011, 11:06:10 PM
Oh God, that's sad.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Qwerty on June 25, 2011, 06:04:46 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fminechan.info%2Fm%2Fsrc%2F129970671196.jpg&hash=0a87c0844639ee84f9906141a061d4e9)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on June 25, 2011, 11:19:06 PM
Tardy response image, or poor attempt at eliciting a loss?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Qwerty on June 26, 2011, 03:34:11 AM
The former.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on June 27, 2011, 06:17:40 PM
Probably a troll, but one can never be sure in 2011. (http://www.youtube.com/user/jbrothersNUMBR1fan)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Turtlekid1 on June 27, 2011, 11:59:39 PM
What's the difference between a cat and a comma?























































One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Toad on June 28, 2011, 04:59:08 PM
What's the difference between a wolf and a flea?

One howls on the prairie and the other prowls on the hairy
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on July 09, 2011, 07:59:46 PM
I hate you guys.

(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fforgifs.com%2Fgallery%2Fd%2F187904-1%2FMascot_troll_flashing.gif&hash=7f1b950e1d0a0f1bd240999cdcccb8d9)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on July 22, 2011, 10:04:05 PM
Those highest-rated comments. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKg4g9zMeHI)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on July 24, 2011, 01:20:32 PM
Should we call her 'Amy Winecellar' from now on?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on August 02, 2011, 10:02:53 PM
 :-X
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: CrossEyed7 on August 02, 2011, 10:06:32 PM
I win at this topic forever because no joke is too groanerish for me to not like it.

PROVE ME WRONG.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on August 12, 2011, 11:59:36 AM
Well, it's no joke, but...

http://www.gamese****ch.com/2011/08/storage_wars_auctioneer_assume.php
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on August 12, 2011, 07:49:08 PM
Groaned, lost, and sig'd.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on August 16, 2011, 07:45:34 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fchanarchive.org%2Fcontent%2F25_sp%2F14366441%2F1313485444940.jpg&hash=8fe7a1f4ba4f9290a0bf24fceb26c782)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Qwerty on August 17, 2011, 02:03:14 PM
lol'd

Why does that remind me of WarioWare D.I.Y.?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Lizard Dude on August 20, 2011, 01:33:34 PM
The way he draws all the men's faces.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Qwerty on August 21, 2011, 01:41:30 AM
Ah yes. That and the sheer bizarreness of it.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on August 29, 2011, 02:58:51 PM
What is brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on August 29, 2011, 03:11:10 PM
I laughed, but I wouldn't say I groaned.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on August 29, 2011, 03:40:01 PM
Yoy.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: cosmic_c on September 08, 2011, 10:24:06 PM
Prepare to lose,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5SNOAcD3ak (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5SNOAcD3ak)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on October 08, 2011, 03:38:53 PM
Meh.

(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fchanarchive.org%2Fcontent%2F1_b%2F357336037%2F1318061717380.jpg&hash=8daecc6f7e13a328a748102fb281cb4c)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: coolkid on October 08, 2011, 08:24:40 PM
I groaned more at the explanation of Yoda as "the little green guy" than the whole "suing over a stupid contest" thing.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on October 09, 2011, 10:20:45 AM
I heard that story when I was a little kid, so I'm somewhat desensitized to its corniness. At least she's not that woman who thought she won a "hundred grand" over a radio contest, then got the candy bar.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on October 19, 2011, 12:04:02 AM
Language warning.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on October 19, 2011, 09:50:16 AM
Well, now I feel better about worrying whether or not to use cotton paper for *my* resume...
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Luigison on October 20, 2011, 04:37:18 PM
http://www.rps.psu.edu/may97/see.html

I read the above after having reviewed last years Google Science Fair winners and had to groan. 
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: A on November 11, 2011, 10:12:24 PM
What did Mr. Corn say when I told him I ate twenty ears of corn last night?

You're [dukar]tin' me.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on November 11, 2011, 10:36:27 PM
What's Irish and stays out all night?

Patio Furniture.

(Punchline best read out loud)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on September 16, 2012, 03:24:44 AM
Tumblr in a nutshell. Language warning. (http://accelll.tumblr.com/post/10652086811/this-is-kavitiyas-about-me-i-kid-you-not)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on October 01, 2012, 11:30:52 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net%2Fhphotos-ash3%2Fc0.0.400.400%2Fp403x403%2F557130_338550652892281_1799693375_n.jpg&hash=ebba1915476ad0bbf452efa0664b5971)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: CrossEyed7 on October 03, 2012, 06:16:19 AM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2F25.media.tumblr.com%2Ftumblr_makqgsCJmz1qbumaco1_500.png&hash=7dac746ec569b35215ab071137422236)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Luigison on October 13, 2012, 06:17:45 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.fullpunch.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F09%2F15-Surprising-Facts-You-Probably-Didnt-Know-7.jpg&hash=7745df33344ac4c53b2777de71e05f9e)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Markio on October 13, 2012, 06:26:41 PM
Puns don't make me groan, I think they're funny because I don't expect them to be really clever.  I did have one teacher who would spend ten minutes of class time saying stupid puns, but he was laughing too indulgently for me to appreciate them.  Also, he didn't actually teach us anything.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on October 13, 2012, 06:41:54 PM
Teacher of the decade.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Ym9iYnlzcTEzMzc equalsign on October 13, 2012, 08:47:30 PM
[img]http://www.fullpunch.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/15-Surprising-Facts-You-Probably-Didnt-Know-7.jpg[/im.g]
Lost.
img tag is supposed to be broken
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on October 31, 2012, 04:52:07 PM
,
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Suffix on October 31, 2012, 04:59:34 PM
Heh, I imagine iTunes could be used in the development of a psychological weapon and little else.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on November 21, 2012, 12:38:42 AM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.motinetwork.net%2Fpolitifake.org%2Fimage%2Fpolitical%2F1206%2Fdemocrat-communist-democrats-politics-1339547743.jpg&hash=b77177f00794e395b0904c5ef0f918b7)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: PaperLuigi on November 21, 2012, 01:18:32 AM
"The difference between a Nazi and a Republican is the spelling."

See I can do it too.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on November 21, 2012, 07:05:07 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.politifake.org%2Fimage%2Fpolitical%2F1205%2Fneed-any-more-proof-who-obama-s-hero-is-politics-1335999747.jpg&hash=2d70af3ff03f3dbf416134edd88a46e4)

Ooh, we're going Glenn Beck mode!
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: CrossEyed7 on November 21, 2012, 09:10:36 PM
VORWARTS
HOGWARTS
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on November 22, 2012, 08:40:56 AM
Bad portmanteaux of Voldemort and Hogwarts?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on December 29, 2012, 01:01:59 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fs8.postimage.org%2Fshjndd2v9%2Fwestboro_baptist.png&hash=8f4cbaf2e3592e1358e47f8868cd69dc)

Those [darn]ed left wing *******s at Westboro Baptist Church. Good thing the conservative bikers were there to save the day!
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: CrossEyed7 on December 29, 2012, 06:03:14 PM
So that Fox Nation article (http://nation.foxnews.com/connecticut-elementary-school-shooting/2012/12/20/bikers-turn-out-protect-newtown-mourners-westboro-baptist-church?intcmp=fly) cites a Gateway Pundit article (http://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2012/12/conservative-bikers-turn-out-to-protect-newtown-mourners-from-left-wing-westboro-cult/) which cites the Cochrane Times (http://www.cochranetimes.com/2012/12/19/bikers-show-up-to-protect-mourners-from-westboro-baptist-protest), an Alberta newspaper.

However, the only part that is actually from the original Cochrane Times article is "Bikers seem to have thwarted attempts by the Westboro Baptist Church to protest the funeral of Newtown, Conn., shooting victim Principal Dawn Hochsprung."

The Fox Nation article also cites Free Republic, as does the Gateway Pundit article. It seems that the author of the Gateway Pundit article was pointed to the Cochrane Times article by this Free Republic post (http://freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2970824/posts) by a poster named raccoonradio, though Fox does not seem to quote anything from the Free Republic thread. The original post consists of a link to the Cochrane Times article and a full quote of the article, and a picture (the one used in the Gateway Pundit and Fox Nation articles) and quote apparently from the L.A. Harley Times. I can't find that article, but the original source is apparently the Newtown Patch (http://newtown.patch.com/articles/woodbury-preparing-if-protestors-attend-sandy-hook-principalmemorial-service), which is also the original source for the Cochrane Times article.

As mentioned, the Free Republic post quoted the entire Cochrane Times article. Starting immediately after where Fox Nation ends the quote, it goes as follows:

Quote
The vocal right-wing Christian group, whose website is godhates[bundle of sticks]s.com, produced a video called "God Sent the Shooter," and has blamed the massacre on gay marriage. It put Hochsprung's funeral on its online "picket schedule."

But there was no sign of the church group, as local newspaper the Newtown Patch live-blogged throughout the day with updates, and reported that people had arrived from as far away as Massachusetts to protect the mourners -- just in case.

Bikers from New York formed a formidable-looking wall of motorcyles.

Late in the day the Patch wrote: "Applause erupted in the crowd ... as it was announced that members of the Westboro Baptist Church were not coming to protest at the wake."

As of Wednesday afternoon, nearly a quarter million people had signed a WhiteHouse.gov petition -- created Dec. 14, the day of the Sandy Hook shooting -- to "legally recognize Westboro Baptist Church as a hate group."

Over half the comments in the Free Republic thread are decrying the Cochrane Times' description of Westboro as a "right-wing Christian group." Simultaneously, one commenter, named LearsFool, argues that Westboro actually has a valid point in claiming that America's acceptance of sin is what is causing bad things to happen, and that Christians who distance themselves from Westboro are *******. Another commenter says, "[Westboro] claims to be anti-gay. That is a lie. Phelp’s small group NEVER attacks gay events or gay rights organizations. They only go after Christians with deceased family members at their funerals." Conspiracy theories are floated that Westboro is actually funded by Democrats and gay rights advocates, in an effort to make Christians look bad. This would be a good time to remember that within that very thread is a conservative arguing that Westboro is right.

The Gateway Pundit article is the source of the "Conservative bikers turned out yesterday to protect Newtown mourners from Democrat Fred Phelps and his Westboro cult from protesting" line (emphasis in original). Their full quote of the Cochrane Times article has "right-wing Christian" crossed out, and appends " (GP Correction: Fred Phelps is not a “rightwinger”, he’s a Democrat. And the Westboro Church is not a Christian group – It is a sick cult.) It is well known that Fred Phelps has run for office as a Democrat several times. Shame on the Cochrane Times for labeling him rightwing!" The Fox Nation author apparently sympathized with the Free Republic posters and the Gateway Pundit author, writing that photo caption (the only part of the Fox Nation article which is not directly copied from someone else).

While living in Kansas in the 90s, Fred Phelps ran for political office several times as a Democrat. Phelps supported Al Gore's 1988 presidential run due to comments Gore had made while running for Senate in 1984, opposing a "gay bill of rights" and saying that homosexuality was not something "society should affirm." As far as I can tell, none of the other candidates in the Democratic primary had made any negative public remarks about LGBT rights at the time. And the other option would have been to support a Republican, which would not really be an option for someone who hates the United States military. Further, Westboro called Vice President Gore a "famous [bundle of sticks] pimp" in 1997, and picketed his father's funeral in 1998, shouting "Your dad's in hell!" This would seem to call into question Free Republic commenter Hardraade's remark that "[Phelps] and the rest of the ilk had a close, personal relationship with the Gore family." Although, this Mother Jones article (http://www.motherjones.com/politics/1999/03/man-who-loves-hate) quotes Phelps as saying that Gore "sold his soul to the [bundle of sticks] agenda," suggesting that he felt betrayed by Gore.

In the past, Westboro has been defended in court by the ACLU. Some conservatives automatically see this as proof that Westboro and Democrats are just totally aligned on every issue. The ACLU, however, does not defend Westboro because they agree with them -- they are standing on principle, that free speech should not be abridged simply because we don't like it. Being on the same side as someone else on a single facet of a single issue does not mean you agree with them on everything. The KKK has protested Westboro in the past -- this does not mean that everyone who disagrees with Westboro must also agree with the KKK's views on race. Now that I think about it, I'd be interested to see how Fox reports the KKK vs. WBC protests.

Theologically, apart from his insistence on a[n allegedly] literal reading of [neologist, anachronistic, 20th-century English translations of] [a tiny handful of verses in] the Bible on same-sex relations, Phelps also subscribes to Hyper-Calvinism (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyper-Calvinism) -- a Christian doctrine essentially stating that, despite what John 3:16 may lead you to believe, God does not in fact love everyone, but only loves the small handful of people that he has forced to obey him, and hates the vast majority that he has forced to disobey him. This is not a doctrine that is typically held to by liberal people, and seems rather at odds with Democratic ideals of fairness and the like.

In short, Phelps's politics are complicated and crazy and can not be summed up simply by calling him a Republican or conservative (and I haven't even gotten into his past as one of Kansas's most zealous civil rights advocates (yes, on the pro- side) in the 60s); at the same time, it's pretty clear that when he opposes conservatives, it's not because they're not liberal enough for him.

As for the description of the bikers -- they are apparently the Patriot Guard Riders (http://www.patriotguard.org), a non-partisan motorcycle club started to counterprotest against Westboro protests of military funerals. Wikipedia notes that PGR has well over 200,000 members, and "is open to anyone, regardless of political affiliation, veteran status, or whether they ride or not. The only prerequisite is 'a deep respect for those who serve our country; military, firefighters, or law enforcement'." PGR's website describes themselves as combatting "misguided religious zealots". Describing them as simply "conservative bikers" is certainly an oversimplification.

Free Republic poster Toespi says, "I am furious. I consider myself right wing, and there isn’t one speck of similarities between Westboro, myself or any other right wing person or organization I know. This ***hole [the author of the Cochrane Times article] should be made to retract his comment. In fact, I would like to sue him." It is interesting to note that several other commenters cite Phelps's history as a lawyer and tendency to sue others as proof that he is a Democrat.

So yeah, Fox Nation sucks.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: PaperLuigi on December 29, 2012, 06:39:42 PM
Nice to know Fox News is admitting it's more right-wing than Westboro.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on December 29, 2012, 07:45:12 PM
Let's protect the second amendment by ignoring the first! (https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/deport-british-citizen-piers-morgan-attacking-2nd-amendment/prfh5zHD) (To be fair, there are other ridiculous ones (https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/we-request-obama-be-impeached-following-reasons/cpk4V6zK) on there as well, and plus the petition to classify WBC as a hate group is much more popular. Also, this made me lol. (https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/keep-piers-morgan-usa/cbpHr9R2?utm_source=wh.gov&utm_medium=shorturl&utm_campaign=shorturl))
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: CrossEyed7 on December 29, 2012, 09:56:42 PM
Sadly, the best one, "Transfer the Funds from the Drug War to Fund the Research and Development of the Genetic Engineering of Domestic Catgirls" (https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/transfer-funds-drug-war-fund-research-and-development-genetic-engineering-domestic-cat-girls/3V3hnsHx), isn't up anymore because it failed to meet a signature threshold or something. [darn] commies.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on December 29, 2012, 10:04:28 PM
Fox Nation does indeed suck, CE7. I'd even go as far as to say its level of crackpot lunacy surpasses its televised counterpart, with columns by such esteemed wingnuts such as L. Brent Bozell III, as well as this...troubling piece. (http://nation.foxnews.com/hhs-mandate/2012/12/28/store-says-no-hhs-mandate) Those pesky *******s at the Department of Health and Human Services tried to force the Good Christian Owners™ of Hobby Lobby to provide employees free birth control, but those stalwart heroes denied the evil Liberal Agenda™'s wishes and defied the mandate, ensuring their employees don't get free birth control. Huzzah! Another conservative victory!

(You want some real fun? Just try and make it through any given Fox Nation article's comments section. Go ahead, just try.) The comments in that article alone are fairly bad on their own. My personal highlight: "so spread your legs and keep the zipper open so the REST OF US HAVE TO PAY FOR YOUR IMMORAL BEHAVIOR".)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: CrossEyed7 on December 29, 2012, 10:36:05 PM
Related: "Hobby Lobby takes human biology to court, loses." (http://www.patheos.com/blogs/slacktivist/2012/12/29/hobby-lobby-takes-human-biology-to-court-loses/)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on December 29, 2012, 10:58:53 PM
I just checked some comments from the sourced "Gateway Pundit" article.

"Just wait until everyone decides to not pay their taxes….kind of like all of those people in the Obama administration that haven’t paid theirs. If we can’t stop Obama from spending us into oblivion….he can’t do it if he doesn’t have our tax dollars."

Do these people think that tax evasion makes them "true patriots"?

[I'm sorry if I'm over-politicizing this thread, especially in such a specific (liberal) direction.]
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: CrossEyed7 on December 30, 2012, 01:30:57 PM
You know, back when I was a conservative, we hated Tim Geithner because he was a tax dodger.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: PaperLuigi on December 30, 2012, 02:20:24 PM
You've become quite the pinko communist.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on January 17, 2013, 05:28:24 PM
.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Ym9iYnlzcTEzMzc equalsign on January 17, 2013, 05:47:37 PM
I actually laughed at the randomness.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on January 17, 2013, 06:55:28 PM
The joke is that Apple buyers are sheep, and they're easily "milked" out of their money by overpriced gadgets.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on January 18, 2013, 02:32:07 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.motinetwork.net%2Fpolitifake.org%2Fimage%2Fpolitical%2F1211%2Fmolon-labe-battaile-politics-1352928028.jpg&hash=6f3f005fff854b60a9f45178a023e984)

My favorite thing about this one is that they use "True American" without a trace of irony.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: PaperLuigi on January 18, 2013, 03:48:54 PM
Good grief, American conservatives are ****ing drama queens. If Obama proposes a law that makes assault rifles just a little harder to obtain, he's suddenly banning all guns.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on January 18, 2013, 06:38:08 PM
A quick googling of that quote turns up results from WingNutDaily, Breitbart.com, and Free Republic, but according to economist John Lott that is something Obama has said. (Although I should note he has authored books like More Guns, Less Crime and The Bias Against Guns.) The quote, if it's legitimate, is from 1996 anyway, so he obviously could have changed his mind since then.

I love it when I see things that say that "THE FIRST STEP GOVERNMENTS TAKE TOWARDS DEMOCIDE IS GUN CONTROL" and things of that sort. Yeah, because not letting everyone and their dog have a god[darn] tommy gun is obviously a sign that FEMA is building concentration camps to dump True Patriotic Americans™ into.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on January 21, 2013, 06:53:48 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.doncaprio.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2012%2F10%2Fapplestore.gif&hash=0128752426a8a6e27f5ad39542b21d28)

Same joke, but animated!
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on January 21, 2013, 07:14:26 PM
[Post]
Molon what?

Also, gotta love the phrase "True Americans." It's the nationalistic equivalent of the "fake geek girl" argument, minus any chance of ever feeling aroused.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Lizard Dude on January 21, 2013, 08:45:58 PM
If you're not aroused by America, you're not a True American.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on January 21, 2013, 09:38:16 PM
Moving to the other side of a spectrum kind of, you wanna lose really fast? Go look at some social justice blogs on Tumblr. (You might lose faith in humanity, as well.)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: WarpRattler on January 22, 2013, 01:15:33 AM
America is so hot it's on fire:

(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwarp.falsificare.com%2Fmwc.jpg&hash=742904ddfc28deb7c43ef6e96b5c9a8f)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Suffix on January 23, 2013, 07:47:31 PM
Just when we were ready to accept the silly names that are "From Software" and "Demon'suh Souls..."
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: WarpRattler on January 23, 2013, 08:08:34 PM
The fact that Metal Wolf Chaos didn't get a US release is the really awful part. The game is fully voiced in English, is exclusive to the not-at-all-popular-in-Japan original Xbox, and stars the President of the United States of America. It's about as American as a Japanese game could possibly get.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: The Chef on January 25, 2013, 07:26:47 PM
As they say: It's so American it wasn't released in America.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Insane Steve on January 26, 2013, 04:50:55 PM
So I saw this (http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2267220/The-rise-techno-sexual-Why-women-saying-goodbye-David-Gandy-hello-geeky-likes-Facebook-founder-Mark-Zuckerberg.html?ito=feeds-newsxml) article on a news aggregator website and people were talking about how stupid the word "techno-sexual" is.

Someone comments that "at least it's not a trance-sexual."

I pretty much insta-lost
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on January 30, 2013, 03:31:09 PM
http://www.theatlanticwire.com/global/2013/01/zimbabwe-down-its-last-217/61562/
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on January 31, 2013, 05:39:36 PM
After discovering that this site uses the phrase "progressive-socialist-communists" unironically, I'm rather worried that I haven't found any irrefutable evidence that this is satire. (http://commieblaster.com)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on January 31, 2013, 06:00:32 PM
I like how the pictures of Obama covered in flies link to a completely unelated story.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on January 31, 2013, 10:12:44 PM
IT NEVER ENDS
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on January 31, 2013, 10:24:29 PM
Suddenly, the UW doesn't seem so excessively liberal anymore. Transethnic? Jesus H. Christ on flaming Segway.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Suffix on January 31, 2013, 10:38:26 PM
I don't know where this came from, but I can't imagine it as anything else but good satire.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: CrossEyed7 on February 01, 2013, 12:18:40 AM
Yeah; all of those viewpoints/identities/whatever do exist on Tumblr, but they're not going to reach that level of concentration outside of trolling (at least not while still having a legible blog layout).
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on February 01, 2013, 07:10:54 AM
Her mom certainly doesn't sound very nice. Anyone notice that in all these trans-fatist/trans-ablist/trans-ethnic/otherkin/etc stories, the parent (or parents) is portrayed as a total bully?

Wanna lose fast? Google the phrase "Anti racist is a codeword for anti white." (Interestingly, there's a tumblr blog on the subject.)

Also, I audibly lost to this one. (http://www.sodahead.com/fun/are-you-random-xd/question-2655553/)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on February 01, 2013, 02:04:20 PM
Previewing the hyperlink was enough for me.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on February 01, 2013, 02:50:40 PM
Also, I audibly lost to this one. (http://www.sodahead.com/fun/are-you-random-xd/question-2655553/)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on February 02, 2013, 12:13:32 AM
I screened the worst of it (aka most of it) for you, Weegee.
PREPARE
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on February 02, 2013, 12:16:09 AM
Sorry for the double post, but I just HAD to post that last one.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on February 02, 2013, 01:16:08 AM
You could've just posted a single screencap as an example, but thanks.

I didn't think anyone used the word "random" on the internet since 2009.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Insane Steve on February 03, 2013, 03:18:04 AM
Grading papers over the weekend for overtime pay. One of the questions on the paper is:

"True or False: Given two numbers x and y, if x/y > 0, then x > 0 and y > 0. If this is false, explain why or give a counterexample."

This is actually missed pretty frequently. However, I grab a paper to grade today and the answer they gave was:

"False because nothing is greater than zero."

I lost, silently wept to myself, and ragequit the paper for the day. Like, how do I even correct this without being condescending? "Your answer is correct, but your reasoning is not correct. For example, 1 is greater than zero."

whyyyyyyy
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Lizard Dude on February 03, 2013, 06:13:41 AM
I wouldn't worry too much about it. That looks like standard I'm-guessing-and-thus-have-no-explanation-but-still-want-to-write-something-to-troll-the-teacher procedure.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on February 03, 2013, 06:43:38 PM
Maybe he's referring to the philosophical concept of zero, being both empty but filled, albeit with nothing.

dude
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Ym9iYnlzcTEzMzc equalsign on February 04, 2013, 10:51:25 PM
I think it was less of a groan and more of a PSY, but still lost. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rE6iiiDdTNY&feature=youtube_gdata_player)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: jdaster64 on February 05, 2013, 12:20:22 AM
@Insane Steve: I feel you there; I'm a grader for a stats class for math majors and every now and then things just about that stupid come up.

@equalsign: It was inevitable, I suppose.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on February 09, 2013, 04:22:03 AM
.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Insane Steve on February 09, 2013, 02:25:24 PM
On a related aside from my previous post, the fact that almost 2/3rds the population "fails" this (http://www.philosophyexperiments.com/mary/Default.aspx) test made me lose today.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Suffix on February 09, 2013, 03:28:38 PM
I passed it! But not for the right reason perhaps. I assumed that the less precise definition of statement 2 inherehently made it more likely than 4, rather than seeing that their definitions overlap.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on February 09, 2013, 04:36:21 PM
I got too hung up on looking for a trick so I ended up guessing 1 > 2 > 3 > 4 and "passing".
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Luigison on February 10, 2013, 05:29:11 PM
http://www.markshed.com/stag.htm
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on February 11, 2013, 04:25:05 AM
I lost.

You Cringe, You Lose

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSLx_ItMJEA
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: PaperLuigi on February 11, 2013, 01:37:26 PM
My brother showed me that a few days ago and I'm sad to say I watched the entire thing. And yes, I lost hard.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on February 11, 2013, 10:03:55 PM
Language and whatnot.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Insane Steve on February 12, 2013, 04:31:03 PM
Didn't lose until the "half as long as the universe" comment :|
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Suffix on February 12, 2013, 04:59:45 PM
Yeah, I think you can be forgiven for extrapolating that the Olympics has been going on uninterrupted for 3000 years. It's unimaginative, yes, but it reflects a lack of knowledge as opposed to bad knowledge.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: PaperLuigi on February 12, 2013, 05:24:21 PM
Didn't lose until the "half as long as the universe" comment :|

You didn't lose at "I didn't even think anyone was alive then?"
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on March 05, 2013, 02:38:25 AM
!
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on March 05, 2013, 12:59:32 PM
Impossible.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on March 05, 2013, 01:54:18 PM
Anything is possible in the modern age. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Luce_Irigaray#Criticism)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on March 05, 2013, 03:07:28 PM
Not groaning--just losing faith in humanity.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on March 05, 2013, 05:59:17 PM
Probably belongs in You Rage, You Lose, but hey. (http://sfw.chanarchive.org/4chan/pol/67890/private-feminist-forum-leaks)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on March 05, 2013, 06:25:58 PM
My attitude towards feminists is getting dangerously close to full-out misogyny as it is--I don't need any more rage fuel.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on April 15, 2013, 09:24:25 AM
...Until you made out with that feminist the other night, right?

Anyway,
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: PaperLuigi on April 15, 2013, 10:07:30 AM
My attitude towards feminists is getting dangerously close to full-out misogyny as it is

Because a few crazies can speak for the movement as a whole, right?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on April 15, 2013, 03:57:25 PM
...Until you made out with that feminist the other night, right?
Alright, you got me there.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on April 16, 2013, 01:16:42 PM
[picture]

I'm ambivalent about this.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on April 30, 2013, 07:21:56 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=f4QBRgyitFs
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: PaperLuigi on April 30, 2013, 07:44:58 PM
Neckbeards and Nice Guy TMs have pretty much ruined fedoras for me.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Suffix on April 30, 2013, 08:40:10 PM
I had to jump ship at 56 seconds. I had to stifle several groans (almost lost at 11 seconds), but at 56 seconds I was ready to roar in anger.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: bobbysq1337 on May 01, 2013, 10:50:28 AM
NOTHING TO SEE HERE

POSTED IN WRONG THREAD
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Luigison on May 01, 2013, 03:44:07 PM
NOTHING TO SEE HERE

POSTED IN WRONG THREAD
I groaned.  I lost. 
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: BP on May 01, 2013, 05:59:20 PM
All of the dislikes disappeared. Is that even legal.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Lizard Dude on May 02, 2013, 03:32:54 PM
Did the number get too high for YouTube's servers to handle?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Luigison on May 02, 2013, 03:52:03 PM
THE DOORS ARE AWESOME!
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on May 21, 2013, 07:14:29 PM
;~;
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: PaperLuigi on May 21, 2013, 07:22:13 PM
Relevant

(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Foi39.tinypic.com%2Ffxx8h.jpg&hash=272b284b23debe5a6f8395fbaafe9f19)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on June 03, 2013, 01:26:34 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=SMpL6JKF5Ww
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on June 07, 2013, 11:24:14 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.motinetwork.net%2Fpolitifake.org%2Fimage%2Fpolitical%2F1208%2Fremember-that-not-tyrants-words-obama-hitler-politics-1344396322.jpg&hash=92d47b9758accd08c87b8a5e3a6bcfbb)

guys obama breathes oxygen hitler breathed oxygen OBAMA IS REALLY HITLER
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: BP on June 08, 2013, 12:54:34 PM
Sometimes I think about it and everything about Hitler sounds fictional. He just oozed anger and hatred, had a harmless ambition at first that didn't go through that reads like a villain's backstory, did such inhumanly evil things, and even had a silly mustache. I'm not saying I don't believe he existed. That would be stupid. "The truth is stranger than fiction" seems to be... the truth.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on June 14, 2013, 04:52:20 AM
http://www.adelaidenow.com.au/news/south-australia/angrylooking-lego-men-8216could-harm-kids8217-development8217/story-e6frea83-1226663510603
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on June 20, 2013, 08:12:46 PM
.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on June 28, 2013, 03:03:59 PM
http://thinkprogress.org/media/2013/06/10/2131091/fox-news-speculates-trayvon-martin-could-have-killed-someone-with-skittles-and-iced-tea/?mobile=nc
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: KoopaTrooper on June 28, 2013, 05:55:42 PM
I almost groaned until I realized this is what Fox shows on a daily basis.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on July 24, 2013, 01:11:36 PM
Weegee linking from ThinkProgress?! Anyways,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFeZLJLgq-8

(I think I've posted this before. Sorry if I have.)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Qwerty on July 29, 2013, 06:53:46 AM
Please tell me I'm not the only one who's sick of these

(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.aceshowbiz.com%2Fimages%2Fstill%2Fdespicable-me-2-image02.jpg&hash=58fea55e079c37a45f6797fbc12bd847)

It's probably more the fact that people love them so much that makes me groan.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on July 29, 2013, 07:35:40 AM
No, never assume to be alone in that.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on July 29, 2013, 07:37:22 AM
I hate them too, man. I liked the original movie, but those things are just LOLSOWACKY cringeworthy marketing ploys.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqGwbwhcWkM
it just gets worse and worse
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Suffix on July 29, 2013, 01:16:38 PM
Yes, Qwerty, thinking about how those idiotic, lazily designed freaks have some degree of appeal to people makes me groan, too.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: BP on July 29, 2013, 03:14:12 PM
I hate them too, man. I liked the original movie, but those things are just LOLSOWACKY cringeworthy marketing ploys.

That's exactly how I feel.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on July 30, 2013, 01:44:42 PM
Does anyone else cringe when they hear a *******ized cover of a classic song of some sort in a commercial?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on July 30, 2013, 03:31:06 PM
No, why? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLfrdRgpKfI)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on September 16, 2013, 03:54:12 PM
Trigger warning.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on September 16, 2013, 08:47:10 PM
Even if either person believes that, it's still trolling. Trolling of the soul.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on October 07, 2013, 10:36:48 PM
Yep.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on October 08, 2013, 10:05:13 AM
I'm sure this is gonna grind the hell out of Weegee's gears. (http://www.salon.com/2013/10/05/the_legend_of_zelda_is_classist_sexist_and_racist/singleton/)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on October 08, 2013, 10:08:34 PM
NEXT WEEK ON KOTAKU: Should brushing against a book with a female character in it be considered rape?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: bobbysq1337 on October 09, 2013, 06:30:55 AM
BREAKING NEWS: Female Character Model Usage Increases in Games
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Suffix on October 10, 2013, 05:22:06 PM
Yep.
It should be considered fair, depending on the game and the potential existence of verbal abuse.

Edit: But, I should have known that was a fake. I've just been watching a lot of Idea Channel recently, so I guess I was open to ludicrous questions like that.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on November 02, 2013, 04:23:06 PM
/
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: BriGuy92 on November 02, 2013, 05:29:01 PM
Original Pokémon; do not steal.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Bigluigifan1.0 on November 02, 2013, 07:53:43 PM
I don't know how to feel about laughing at that.

EDIT: I KNEW a pagebreak was coming. Ugh.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on December 08, 2013, 01:25:17 PM
This word has become so frequently misused that its incorrect application is now technically correct. (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/literally)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Tavros on December 08, 2013, 02:10:20 PM
Oh god that sucks.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on December 08, 2013, 06:15:37 PM
oh christ
What will they do to "ironic"?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: bobbysq1337 on December 08, 2013, 06:57:28 PM
Technically isn't this exactly how languages evolve?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on December 08, 2013, 08:54:27 PM
Maybe, but I'd prefer it happened via people modifying old words for brevity's sake and creating new words to describe new things, not people repeatedly using a word to mean the exact opposite because they're friggin' idiots (See also: "I could care less").
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on December 08, 2013, 10:11:41 PM
Technically isn't this exactly how languages evolve?

If homo sapiens evolved into neanderthals, yes.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Luigison on December 09, 2013, 06:18:28 AM
An estimated 2.8% of my DNA is from Neanderthals. 

So what, I'm a caveman?

Actually yes, but that has little to do with the percentage of Neanderthal DNA in your genome. Our perception of Neanderthals as big oafs is clouded by our own notion of superiority and pop culture caricatures. How we are different and why modern humans survived and Neanderthals didn’t is still mostly a mystery.

What does this really mean?

There are many intriguing theories about what traits the smidgen of Neanderthal DNA may have imparted on modern humans, but we don't know yet if having a little more than average Neanderthal DNA could explain why someone is extra brawny, short or boorish. Those traits might just be regular human characteristics.

Source:  https://www.23andme.com/you/labs/neanderthal/
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: bobbysq1337 on December 09, 2013, 07:12:53 PM
http://www.dailydot.com/lol/4chan-unlock-xbox-prank-brick/
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: bobbysq1337 on December 18, 2013, 03:40:55 AM
http://dogecoin.com/
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on May 01, 2014, 07:35:01 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7hxIi8j3QR0

Even worse, they know.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nQAGZS_4wo

...And this show has been running for seven seasons.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on May 02, 2014, 08:35:24 AM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FzlsCL5x.png&hash=d906a8f11908bbb54ea3038b59c323ab)
You've got some splainin' to do, Weegee.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: bobbysq1337 on May 02, 2014, 02:48:39 PM
It just says Canada for me.

Edit: thought this was Weegee's profile page, I assume this is from IMDB or something
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on May 02, 2014, 05:39:49 PM
We've made worse.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27SS8Pnmrok
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on July 02, 2014, 04:09:33 PM
Back to the topic of Johnny Test...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fm_7QDTFGsU

As applied to an infinitely superior Canadian-American animated production.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: CrossEyed7 on January 28, 2015, 10:17:43 PM
My friends think I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid, but I can stop any time.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: The Chef on January 29, 2015, 12:22:45 AM
That one was too good for this thread.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Toad on January 29, 2015, 01:36:11 AM
I drink Windex to keep from streaking.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on February 02, 2015, 08:53:48 PM
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FqX3k0O2.jpg&hash=f9025b5bf145ceb2c5a6072fc02835d2)

Wholesome flash games for little girls!
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: The Chef on February 02, 2015, 09:18:42 PM
Are.....are those real? Is this a parody image?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Toad on February 02, 2015, 11:39:35 PM
You want to play them, don't deny it.


Those are probably real since anybody with an app maker can apparently make apps these days..
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: The Chef on February 03, 2015, 12:39:07 AM
Even if it glaringly infringes copyright, it seems. :P
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: BriGuy92 on February 03, 2015, 10:35:36 PM
Very relevant (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rm_Y2t51tUE)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: TheMightyThor on February 04, 2015, 03:15:34 PM
Are.....are those real? Is this a parody image?
http://thefrozengames.com/injured-elsa-pregnant-with-twins/
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on February 05, 2015, 11:52:26 AM
Yeah, those freaky things have been making the rounds... What's the story on who's creating them, anyway? Creepypastas have been written about less.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: bobbysq1337 on February 06, 2015, 12:16:07 AM
I wonder if it's just some other surgery game with a reskin.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on July 10, 2015, 06:30:03 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E3HehLKqxsY

How to make a peanut butter and elitism sandwich, or "You Puke, You Lose".
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Tavros on July 10, 2015, 08:18:54 PM
I wonder why that reminds me of somebody clickety-clacketing at a keyboard going "STOP LIKING WHAT I DON'T LIKE"
I mean it's the same basic premise, except this is like "STOP LIKING WHAT I DON'T LIKE AND I WILL TELL YOU EVERY WAY THE THINGS I LIKE ARE THE ONLY GOOD THINGS"
Sorry if that was too much caps lock but still
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: BP on July 11, 2015, 03:59:23 PM
Homemade jelly or get the **** out of my face. Sorry lady, you lost me when the jar had a label on it at all.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on July 11, 2015, 04:40:27 PM
Even worse, the sriracha was storebought. If you're going to use memesauce/hipster ketchup/liquid fad, you have to do it the old-fashioned way.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: BP on July 11, 2015, 05:41:27 PM
But, yeah, it's time to reevaluate your skillset if you're getting pretentious about how you make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on July 12, 2015, 06:47:44 AM
hipster ketchup
And I'm using that phrase from now on.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: The Chef on July 14, 2015, 10:36:48 PM
I'm kinda partial to "liquid fad".
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on July 15, 2015, 03:21:11 PM
On a similar note,
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on July 15, 2015, 03:48:41 PM
How those bartenders aren't dressed like Jerry Seinfeld instead of clones of a B-list science trivia vlogger remains beyond me.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Weegee on July 15, 2015, 05:03:41 PM
Because that would make them less easy to mock.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Lizard Dude on October 17, 2016, 12:51:22 AM
[darnit] speedrunners

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Cu425RWVIAAzWkx.jpg:large)
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: BP on October 17, 2016, 06:32:16 AM
You don't like speedrunners?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Tavros on October 17, 2016, 01:29:49 PM
i like speedrunners
especially Bawkbasoup
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on October 17, 2016, 08:55:55 PM
That's a pretty big theory.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: BP on October 18, 2016, 12:49:16 AM
I'll never be a speedrunner-caliber person but I understand the feeling... when you love a game so much that you have to know everything about it, including how to break it
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Lizard Dude on October 19, 2016, 01:46:14 AM
The same as loving people.

I don't particularly like or dislike speedrunners. I do greatly admire the skill and performance of doing very difficult things but don't care for all the glitch [dukar].

The image was merely posted in the spirit of "really? speedrunners so wacky, groan"
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Lizard Dude on December 31, 2016, 07:58:59 PM
[darnit] speedrunners

(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/C0fj-v-UsAAEv3W.png:large)   (link (https://www.twitch.tv/peekingboo/v/109582729))
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Tavros on December 31, 2016, 08:57:22 PM
honestly i love all the silly ass [dukar] speedrunners do so that was really ineffective
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Lakitu on January 01, 2017, 08:33:08 PM
That's a pretty big theory.

A pretty big GAME theory! [Insert witty meme here]
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Lakitu on January 01, 2017, 08:34:55 PM
honestly i love all the silly ass [dukar] speedrunners do so that was really ineffective

What is [dukar]?
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: CrossEyed7 on January 01, 2017, 08:49:07 PM
If you have the profanity filter on, it's what [dukar] gets changed to.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Bigluigifan1.0 on January 01, 2017, 11:32:15 PM
lol, old TMK jokes.
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Tavros on January 02, 2017, 10:17:44 AM
oh hell I remember dukar back when I was a lurker
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: ShadowBrain on January 02, 2017, 09:51:33 PM
Feelin' old right about now...
Title: Re: You Groan, You Lose
Post by: Toad on January 03, 2017, 11:47:00 AM
I think it should be replaced with durian. Wasn't that it? "What the durian?"