Your Favorite Joke

[CrossEyed7]

What do a telephone and a dog have in common?
They both have collar ID.

Why did Bobby Fischer marry a woman from Prague?
He was looking for a Czech mate.

How is a thief like a thermometer on a hot day?
They are both up to something.

*~~~*

Two blondes went to a costume party, both dressed as Betty Boop. When they saw each other, they were very angry, because they couldn't stand the thought that someone else was wearing the same costume. They started feuding, and one of them grabbed the other's name tag and changed it so that it read "Betty Bop." The second immediately did the same, so they were both wearing the wrong name tag and were angrier than ever.

Suddenly there was an unearthly moan, and a ghost appeared to them, also dressed as Betty Boop. It intoned, "Beware, mortals! I was once such as you, but through my pettiness and wrath I came to this! Beware, lest ye too suffer my grim fate! Beware!" But the two blondes ignored the apparition and kept feuding.

Things continued along those lines until the scat-singing contest. When it was the first blonde's turn, she did spectacularly, so much so that the audience demanded an encore. This made the second blonde so angry that she snapped, snuck up onto the bandstand, and slipped a bomb into the bass drum. But she greviously overestimated the length of the song, and it ended before she could get away. The drummer hit the bass drum, the bomb went off, and both the blondes and several innocent bystanders were killed.

And the moral of the story is: Bop, Bop, Boo-Bop: She Bopped; Bam, Boom!

[ShadowBrain]

What do you get when you cross a midget Eskimo with a septuplet of Klan members?

Snow Dwarf and the Seven Whites.

[Uvaz]

There was once a banana, and someone ate it.

[Chupperson Weird]

What's the difference between ... a tomato?

[NintendoExpert89]

This is a really long joke, so bear with me...


A kid named Marty is in the school playground during recess. His friend Tommy comes up to him and says, "Hey Marty, want to know a secret?" Marty replies, "sure."

"Purple flower."

Tommy walks away with Marty feeling completely confused.

Marty goes over to a group of friends and says, "Hey guys, Tommy told me his secret."
"What's the secret?"
"Purple flower."
Suddenly his friends start beating him up.

After recess ends Marty goes into class looking like a mess. The teacher says, "Marty, what happened to you?"
"Well, I told my friends Tommy's secret, and they beat me up."
"What? Why on earth would they do that? What's the secret?"
"Purple flower."
"Get out. Go to the principal's office immediately."

Marty walks into the principal's office and sits before the desk. The principal turns to him and asks, "Why were you sent in here, Marty?"
"Well, I told my friends Tommy's secret, and they beat me up, and then I told my teacher the secret and she sent me here."
"What's the secret?"
"Purple flower."
"You're expelled from this school."

Marty takes the early bus home and walks in the front door. His father comes in at the sound, and asks, "What are you doing here? You should be at school!"
"Well, I told my friends Tommy's secret, and they beat me up, and then I told my teacher the secret and she sent me to the principal's office, and I told it to my principal and he expelled me."
"What would be so bad that they'd do that? What's Tommy's secret?"
"Purple flower."
"Get out. You're no longer welcome in this house."

Marty packs up a few items and is sent from his home. Night fall comes and a policeman stops him. "Hey kid, what are you doing out here at this hour?"
"Well, I told my friends Tommy's secret, and they beat me up, and then I told my teacher the secret and she sent me to the principal's office, and I told it to my principal and he expelled me, and then I went home and told my dad the secret, and he kicked me out of the house."
"Well, can you tell me this 'secret,' young man?"
"Purple flower."
"You're under arrest."

Marty is put in jail for the night. The next day, he is released. He is walking down the sidewalk, when he looks to the other side and sees Tommy. He thinks, "I'm going to ask Tommy what 'purple flower' means, once and for all." He begins to cross the road... BAM. He is hit by a bus.

The moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the street.

[jmdblazer]

Purple flower?

[Chupperson Weird]

You're banned.

[Glorb]

Chup, if that's a joke, it's not funny.

[Kuromatsu]

...I thought it was funny...

[ShadowBrain]

I've heard that one before, only it was a kid asking everybody what a "gumblestrode" was. It ranks as the unfunniest joke I've ever heard, second only to The Aristocrats.

[Glorb]

Dude, don't diss the Aristocrats or I'll get someone to tell it to you while you're eating.

[Lizard Dude]

Aristocrats has an actual punchline and wonderful freeform opportunities.

That purple flower thing has retarded (yet suspenseful) buildup with NO point in the end.

[Glorb]

That's called a shaggy dog story, I believe. I like to tell those around campfires since it annoys the dogdoo out of people.

[WarpRattler]

Dang. I was typing something about how they're called shaggy dog jokes, and then Glorb goes and posts it before me.

Oddly enough, the Wikipedia article has a link to the article about The Aristocrats.

[Toad]

I might have posted this one before, but..

Two cannibals are eating a clown and one turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"