Author Topic: Your Favorite Joke (Read 86351 times)

Glorb · « **Reply #240 on:** March 28, 2009, 12:06:59 PM »

Sounds like society's phasing out the old curses and replacing them with new, futuristic stuff, and dc804 wants to use them all up fast.

dc804 · « **Reply #241 on:** March 28, 2009, 01:29:08 PM »

I was just copy8ing and pasting jokes. The swears were part of the jokes I found.

nensondubois · « **Reply #242 on:** March 28, 2009, 07:45:02 PM »

Rodney Dangererfiled had some good one liners. I probably can't post them because they are copywritten and someone might complain.

CrossEyed7 · « **Reply #243 on:** March 28, 2009, 08:13:55 PM »

I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letters, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry." So it died.

Glorb · « **Reply #244 on:** March 28, 2009, 08:24:20 PM »

#1 - 7.0
#2 - 9.0
#3 - 6.8

ShadowBrain · « **Reply #245 on:** March 28, 2009, 09:41:00 PM »

Those were all pretty good.

Chupperson Weird · « **Reply #246 on:** March 28, 2009, 10:03:07 PM »

First one's punchline was entirely too long and drawn out. Second joke was amazing. Third joke was only funny in a terrible sense.

dc804 · « **Reply #247 on:** March 29, 2009, 02:59:19 PM »

I finally found out how to avoid getting a parking ticket. I removed the windshield wipers from my car.

-A police officer is writing a ticket for a car parked in a handicap space. A man and a women walked out, and the man shouts "What the heck are doing? I have only been parked here 2 minutes".
-"You can't park here" replies the officer.
-"You are just a loser" the women replies. "You miserable old bum."
-"Calm down lady" the officer says.
-"I bet you live alone, and if you ever had a girl, she was smart enough to leave you!"
-"That's it! I was going to be nice enough to make the fee a little lower than it should be, but now I am raising it forty dollars!"
-The man replies "That's great. You, a nice guy? You are just picking on people becuse you know there is nothing they can do about it. You have been a loser all your life, and you want to get back at society for everyone being right about you failing at life!"
-The cop has an extremely angry look on his face, pulls out his speaker and says "I got a car that needs to be towed." He put his speaker away, and said to the man and women "now your fee is going up another $400."
-After the cop drives away, the man and women break out laughing. The man says to his girlfriend "I feel sorry for the guy who owns this car." A tow truck comes by aminute later and tows it away.

I walked out of the store earlier and found a huge dent in the back of my car. There was a note on it that said "I am sorry I backed into your car. A few people saw me do it, and they think I am writing down my contact information, but I am not."

nensondubois · « **Reply #248 on:** March 29, 2009, 03:05:24 PM »

Quote from: CrossEyed7 on March 28, 2009, 08:13:55 PM

I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letters, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry." So it died.

#1. = 4
#2. = 7.5
#3. = 9

Rao · « **Reply #249 on:** April 04, 2009, 12:58:00 AM »

Quote from: Glorb on March 28, 2009, 08:24:20 PM

#1 - 7.0
#2 - 9.0
#3 - 6.8

I thought these were jokes, and Chupperson's and ShadowBrain's posts were in response to them.

ShadowBrain · « **Reply #250 on:** April 04, 2009, 07:30:06 AM »

*Near-LOL*

I'm holding back on a few of my slightly bawdier jokes, though I suppose I shouldn't be that nervous after what dc got away with...

dc804 · « **Reply #251 on:** April 13, 2009, 07:29:02 PM »

What do you get with a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

Someone lying awake all night wondering if there really is a doG

Toad · « **Reply #252 on:** April 18, 2009, 07:11:28 PM »

I know someone has done this one before, but..

"I tripped trying to go down the up escalator and fell down for an hour and a half!"

dc804 · « **Reply #253 on:** April 18, 2009, 11:01:08 PM »

#1

I play mini-golf with midgets.

They just call it golf though....

#2

A prostitute goes to pay for her shopping at the tills.

"I'm awfully sorry, miss," said the shopkeeper, "but this fifty pound note is counterfeit. "

"Oh, my God," she exclaimed, "I've been raped!"

Ultima Shadow · « **Reply #254 on:** April 18, 2009, 11:02:43 PM »

What side of a chicken has more feathers?
The outside

What do you call a Spanish man whose car has been stolen?
Carlos

A man and his friend are playing golf on a golf course when they see a funeral procession pass by on a nearby road. The man instantly falls to his knees and bows his head in prayer.

"Wow," his friend remarks, as he stands back up, "I never knew you were so spiritual. You really must be a kind man."

"Yeah, well," the man replies, "we were married 35 years."