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Author Topic: Math and Science Jokes  (Read 9853 times)

Luigison

  • Old Person™
« on: November 01, 2011, 08:02:05 PM »
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says “You’re all idiots”, and pours two beers.
“Evolution has shaped us with perceptions that allow us to survive. But part of that involves hiding from us the stuff we don’t need to know."

CrossEyed7

  • i can make this whatever i want; you're not my dad
« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2011, 12:17:57 AM »
A mathematician, a biologist, and an engineer are sitting and watching a building. They see two people go into the building, and then see three people come out.

The engineer says, "Must be a rounding error."

The biologist says, "They must have reproduced."

The mathematician says, "If exactly one person goes into the building now, it will be empty."
"Oh man, I wish being a part of a Mario fan community was the most embarrassing thing about my life." - Super-Jesse

« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2011, 03:25:18 AM »
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He used a pencil to work it out.

« Reply #3 on: November 02, 2011, 10:52:26 AM »
The bartender says "We don't serve your kind here."

A neutrino walks into a bar.

« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2011, 07:03:25 PM »
I think that one works a lot better if you explicitly say, "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here." Otherwise it's too great of a leap to be instantly funny, especially if you're not telling it in a thread called "Math and Science Jokes".

« Reply #5 on: November 08, 2011, 08:49:47 AM »
What rage face describes a positive hydrogen atom?

Forever alone!

I know I can do better.

CrossEyed7

  • i can make this whatever i want; you're not my dad
« Reply #6 on: November 08, 2011, 09:55:16 AM »
"I think I lost an electron!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm positive!"
"Oh man, I wish being a part of a Mario fan community was the most embarrassing thing about my life." - Super-Jesse

« Reply #7 on: November 08, 2011, 10:34:32 AM »
Two scientists walk into a bar.

The first guy says, "I'll have some H20!"

The second guy says, "I'll have some H20, too!"

Then he dies.

« Reply #8 on: November 09, 2011, 08:23:24 PM »
I think bobman is trolling me.

Luigison

  • Old Person™
« Reply #9 on: November 12, 2011, 07:56:43 PM »
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
“Evolution has shaped us with perceptions that allow us to survive. But part of that involves hiding from us the stuff we don’t need to know."

« Reply #10 on: November 15, 2011, 04:58:14 AM »
Does the English degree guy get lumped in with Arts?
YYur  waYur n beYur you Yur plusYur instYur an Yur Yur whaYur

« Reply #11 on: November 15, 2011, 11:55:26 AM »
Pretty much any liberal arts degree gets lumped in with it.
Luigison: Question everything!
Me: Why?

The Chef

  • Super
« Reply #12 on: November 15, 2011, 04:34:02 PM »
;_;

« Reply #13 on: November 17, 2011, 12:37:01 AM »
Chef, wouldn't you already be in the kitchen?
YYur  waYur n beYur you Yur plusYur instYur an Yur Yur whaYur

« Reply #14 on: November 17, 2011, 12:50:29 AM »
Chef, wouldn't you already be in the kitchen?
But BP cooks more than The Chef.

« Reply #15 on: November 17, 2011, 09:40:26 AM »
Why is six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine!
Kinopio is the ultimate video game character! Who else can drive a kart, host parties, play tennis, give good advice and items, and is almost always happy??

Luigison

  • Old Person™
« Reply #16 on: November 17, 2011, 09:08:08 PM »
“Evolution has shaped us with perceptions that allow us to survive. But part of that involves hiding from us the stuff we don’t need to know."

CrossEyed7

  • i can make this whatever i want; you're not my dad
« Reply #17 on: November 17, 2011, 10:48:18 PM »
There were three Indian women. They were all pregnant, and they slept in their husbands' teepees on animal skins that they had killed or traded for. The first slept on a deer skin. The second slept on a bear skin. The third slept on a hippopotamus skin.

All three had their children on the full moon. The first had a strong baby boy. The second also had a strong baby boy. The third had twins.

This just proves that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
"Oh man, I wish being a part of a Mario fan community was the most embarrassing thing about my life." - Super-Jesse

« Reply #18 on: December 10, 2011, 08:45:57 PM »
Got this jewel from Dexter's Laboratory. I watch it almost every day because I have Boomerang.

A physics professor and his assistant are working on liberating negatively-charged hydroxyl ions, when all of a sudden, the assistant says, "Wait, professor, what if the salicylic acids do not accept the hydroxyl ions?" And the professor responds, "That's no hydroxyl ion; that's my wife!"
"Follow me down to the valley below You know
Moonlight is bleeding from out of your soul Come to us, Lazarus It's time for you to go"

BP

  • Beside Pacific
« Reply #19 on: December 11, 2011, 03:41:22 AM »
"WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, A CHAIR?"

Nope, I looks like this: I
All your dreeeeeeams begiiin to shatterrrrrr~
It's YOUR problem!

« Reply #20 on: December 19, 2011, 07:38:49 PM »
A shoe seller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy.  “No problem,” says the mathematician, “there is a simple equation for that,” and he shows him the Gaussian normal distribution.  The shoe seller stares some time at the equation and asks, “What is that symbol?” “That is the Greek letter pi.”  “What is pi?” “That is the ratio between the circumference and the diameter of a circle.”  Upon this the shoe seller cries out: “What does a circle have to do with shoes?!”
"Follow me down to the valley below You know
Moonlight is bleeding from out of your soul Come to us, Lazarus It's time for you to go"

Luigison

  • Old Person™
« Reply #21 on: January 22, 2012, 02:49:36 PM »
“Evolution has shaped us with perceptions that allow us to survive. But part of that involves hiding from us the stuff we don’t need to know."

« Reply #22 on: January 22, 2012, 03:07:09 PM »
Hahaha! I like that.

CrossEyed7

  • i can make this whatever i want; you're not my dad
« Reply #23 on: January 23, 2012, 07:08:54 PM »
   Some time ago I received a call from a colleague. He was about to give a student a zero for his answer to a physics question, while the student claimed a perfect score. The instructor and the student agreed to an impartial arbiter, and I was selected.

   I read the examination question: "SHOW HOW IT IS POSSIBLE TO DETERMINE THE HEIGHT OF A TALL BUILDING WITH THE AID OF A BAROMETER." The student had answered, "Take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to the street, and then bring it up, measuring the length of the rope. The length of the rope is the height of the building."

   The student really had a strong case for full credit since he had really answered the question completely and correctly! On the other hand, if full credit were given, it could well contribute to a high grade in his physics course and to certify competence in physics, but the answer did not confirm this. I suggested that the student have another try. I gave the student six minutes to answer the question with the warning that the answer should show some knowledge of physics. At the end of five minutes, he had not written anything. I asked if he wished to give up, but he said he had many answers to this problem; he was just thinking of the best one. I excused myself for interrupting him and asked him to please go on. In the next minute, he dashed off his answer which read: "Take the barometer to the top of the building and lean over the edge of the roof. Drop the barometer, timing its fall with a stopwatch. Then, using the formula x=0.5*a*t^^2, calculate the height of the building." At this point, I asked my colleague if he would give up. He conceded, and gave the student almost full credit.

   While leaving my colleague's office, I recalled that the student had said that he had other answers to the problem, so I asked him what they were.
   "Well," said the student, "there are many ways of getting the height of a tall building with the aid of a barometer. For example, you could take the barometer out on a sunny day and measure the height of the barometer, the length of its shadow, and the length of the shadow of the building, and by the use of simple proportion, determine the height of the building.

   "Fine," I said, "and others?"

   "Yes," said the student, "there is a very basic measurement method you will like. In this method, you take the barometer and begin to walk up the stairs. As you climb the stairs, you mark off the length of the barometer along the wall. You then count the number of marks, and this will give you the height of the building in barometer units."

   "A very direct method."

   "Of course. If you want a more sophisticated method, you can tie the barometer to the end of a string, swing it as a pendulum, and determine the value of g at the street level and at the top of the building. From the difference between the two values of g, the height of the building, in principle, can be calculated." "On this same tact, you could take the barometer to the top of the building, attach a long rope to it, lower it to just above the street, and then swing it as a pendulum. You could then calculate the height of the building by the period of the precession".

   "Finally," he concluded, "there are many other ways of solving the problem. Probably the best," he said, "is to take the barometer to the basement and knock on the superintendent's door. When the superintendent answers, you speak to him as follows: 'Mr. Superintendent, here is a fine barometer. If you will tell me the height of the building, I will give you this barometer." At this point, I asked the student if he really did not know the conventional answer to this question. He admitted that he did, but said that he was fed up with high school and college instructors trying to teach him how to think.

[x]
"Oh man, I wish being a part of a Mario fan community was the most embarrassing thing about my life." - Super-Jesse

« Reply #24 on: January 23, 2012, 08:07:49 PM »
The average American has one testicle.

« Reply #25 on: January 23, 2012, 10:04:30 PM »

« Reply #26 on: February 03, 2012, 02:11:13 PM »
Did you guys hear about the dude who froze himself to absolute zero?

He was 0K.

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