Fungi Forums
Miscellaneous => General Chat => Topic started by: Lizard Dude on January 07, 2008, 09:25:13 PM
-
Post your absolute favorite joke here.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, I've forgotten millions of jokes over the years, but my current favorite is this:
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped.
-
Good thread! I can't pick a favorite so I'll just say the first one that comes to mind, and I'll probably keep posting in the future.
What time did Sean Connery go to the Wimbledon?
Ten-ishhh
-
Is it ok if we do Helen Keller jokes? (Just curious)
-
You mean like this?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.
-
Actually that reminds me of I think my second-favorite joke:
How did Helen Keller break her arm?
She tried to read a road sign.
-
Yeah
This is my favorite
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
you would run away to if your name was UHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
-
Ok, as long as the hellen keller jokes are out:
Did you know Hellen Keller had the world's biggest dollhouse in her backyard?
Neither did she.
How did Hellen Keller's parents punish her?
They put doorknobs on the walls.
I am also a pr0 at: sexist, racist, dead baby, etc. jokes.
-
How did Helen Keller's parents really punish her?
They left the plunger in the toilet.
GOODNIGHT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
-
Here's one I just remembered!
A bear goes into a bar and says "I would like some water
and a sandwich"
And the bartender says "Why the big pause?"
-
Why did the programmer get trapped in the shower?
The shampoo said to "Lather, Rinse, Repeat".
-
*Administers one LOL per previous poster*
Okay, I'm not sure how this one' s gonna fly, so I'm gonna spoiler-tag the whole thing:
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
-
↑ LOL in Poland we have politician called Lepper xd
------
Ok, It's one of mines:
Pole, German and Russian (this is something like a standard) after dead go to the hell. Devil says:
- OK, this is your challenge: I'll turn lights off for 30 secs. Then I'll turn it on back. In this time you must rob all of the passengers in train. If you fail, you must lie down on the fire for 10 years. But if you pass, you'll go to the purgatory.
First is German. After 30 secs lights are turned on, but he's robb'd only 1/3 of passengers.
Next is Russian. After 30 secs lights are turned on, but he's robb'd only 1/2 of passengers.
Time for Pole. After 10 seconds lights are turned on by conductor and he says:
End of ride, someone stole our locomotive!
-
I've always liked this one...
A guy walks into a bar, he says "Ouch, who put that there?"
-
Told better:
Three guys walked into a bar. The fourth one ducked.
-
A guy walks into a bar with his pet giraffe. They both get drunk, and the giraffe passes out. the bartender says to the guy, "You can't leave that lyin' there!" And the guy replies "That's not a lion, it's my giraffe!"
Also, one I heard recently:
Two hunters are in the woods when suddenly, one of them collapses to the ground, not breathing. The other guy gets out his cell phone and calls 911. He says, "I think my friend's dead! What do I do?!" to which the dispatcher replies "Calm down, I can help you. First, you have to make sure he's actually dead." There is a short silence, and then a gunshot is heard. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "Okay, now what?"
-
do you mind if I tell that one to everyone I know...
-
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
Keep the tip.
I actually thought about telling that one.
-
This thread is making me remember tons of long-forgotten jokes from my past just by stimulating my brain to think about jokes. Example:
Two hunters go out hunting and shoot a deer. They're driving back home and one says, "Pull over, feels like I gotta crap my guts out." They pull over and the guy runs off into the bushes to do his business. The driver is sitting there waiting and gets an idea. He goes and gets the guts out of the deer in back, sneaks up to the pooping guy, and lays the guts there and runs off.
Just as he's getting back to the truck, he hears a terrible scream of horror from the bushes. The guy laughs to himself and waits. After a few minutes, the pooper comes back. "Well did you crap your guts out?" the driver asks?
"Yeah! But with the help of this here stick, I got 'em back in!"
-
What do you get when you put Mario under a Thwomp?
A plumber pancake.
I'm just kidding, folks. Here's the real joke.
Three guys heard about a magic cliff that if you jump off it and shout what you want to be, you turn into it. So all three took a helicopter and flew to the cliff. The first guy jumps and shouts "I wanna be a eagle!" Poof! He turns into an eagle and flies away. The second guy jumps and shouts "I wanna be a vulture!" Poof! He turns into a vulture and flies away. The third guy slips and yells "Oh crap!" Poof! He turns into a pile of crap and falls to the ground.
-
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
Ab Minor
-
Hahahaha, I like that one, Bobman.
Now, to set this joke up, I have to tell a little bit of back story. Our family, after skiing, went to a completely new pizzeria in Kelso. We still looked somewhat messy from skiing, but my mom suddenly got it into her head that I appeared to have a receding hairline. Despite my best efforts, her crazy idea could not be swayed. An elderly woman nearby overheard her and tried to console me with this joke:
(accumulate the lines one line at a time)
Don't worry!
A man who balds in the front is a lover,
A man who balds in the back is a thinker,
And a man who's completely bald just thinks he's a lover.
-
This one is sorta inappropriate but ill just remove the message if someone thinks its to offensive.
Why did Michal Jackson go to Old Navy?
Because boys pants were half off!
-
Not offensive, just REALLY old.
More than 10 years older than the recent lawsuit involving him.
-
Aye, me favorite joke be this one:
Why couldn't the pirate get into the movie? It was rated ARGHHHH!
Makes me laugh every time, it does!
-
My mind automatically inserts a GH noise when people spell ARRRR with GH on the end. Hence: Rated arg? What?
P.S. Why would that make the pirate unable to see it?
-
Why was the movie rated ARRR?
BECAUSE OF ALL THE BOOTY
-
That's a 45x better joke right there.
-
I got a joke that's kinda long, but I'm gonna tell it anyways. It goes like this:
In the mid 1850's there was a wooden warship out sailing. One day, the guy in the crow's nest spots an enemy ship and he runs to tell the captain. He says, "Captain I have spotted an enemy ship". Captain looks at him and says, "Bring me my red shirt" The guy goes and gets the shirt and gives it to the captain. Captain puts the shirt on, and they fight all day and don't loose a single man. At the end of the day the guy says, "Captain before the battle began you told me to bring you your red shirt. Why?" Captain says, " I told you to bring me it that way if i were shot no one would notice I were bleeding and they would continue fighting". So the next the guy spots 20 ships coming and he runs to tell the captain. The captain looks at him and says, "Bring me my brown pants".
-
That joke is from around the mid 1850s.
-
I had never heard it!
Kinda like it.
Also I like how your sig at the end adds to it. Like a coda.
-
My mind automatically inserts a GH noise when people spell ARRRR with GH on the end. Hence: Rated arg? What?
P.S. Why would that make the pirate unable to see it?
My mind does that too. And with me being as slow at getting jokes as anyone, It toke me a few seconds to process how that was funny.
-
My mind automatically inserts a GH noise
My mind automatically inserts a Guitar Hero when I see the letters GH. So I didn't get your post for a while.
-
Same here... Ah! The mind-corruping power of games at work!
-
Gun shop owner: hi, how can I help U?
Client: I'm looking for a gun
Gun shop owner: What kind of gun are U looking for?
Client: (pointing at the case) That looks about right
Gun shop owner: Why do U need Desert Eagle .50?
Client: It's for shooting at cans
Gun shop owner: (pointing at the small pistol cal.22) Well this is the perfect size for shooting at cans
Client: (pointing again at Desert Eagle .50) Nah, I need this one
Gun shop owner: Ok, what kind of cans are U shooting at?
Client: U know.
Mexi-cans
Puerto Ri-cans
Afri-cans
-
That's really crude :/.
-
Gulp...does he shoot buc-can-eers?
-
I linked the post to Deezer so it would get taken down a while ago...
Maybe he likes KKK humor?
-
I thought it was funny.
-
This one might also be a little... edgy, so all you PC people, just keep on scrolling.
Three men are sitting in a bar: A Texan, who orders beer, a Mexican, who orders tequila, and a Washingtonian, who orders a bottle of water. Suddenly, the Texan throws his beer up in the air and fires a shot through it. He tells the stunned patrons of the bar, "don't worry; where I come from we from, we have plenty of beer".
Not much later, the Mexican does the same with his tequila, saying, "don't worry; where I come from, we have plenty of tequila."
A few seconds later, the Washingtonian shoots the other two men, drinks his water, and puts the bottle in his pocket. "What did you do that for?!" people screamed.
"Well, where I come from, we have plenty of Texans and Mexicans, but I really should recycle this bottle."
-
Two black guys are standing on a street corner in Harlem, and....uh, one of them dos some drugs. Yeah.
-
Two black guys are standing on a street corner in Harlem, and....uh, one of them dos some drugs. Yeah.
ye just make the bes joke me ever heard (or read, whatever)
-
ShadowBrain's joke told better:
An Italian, a Mexican and an American are on a plane. They packed too much food, so after lunch, a guy says "I have an idea! Everybody throw one thing out of the plane." So the Italian approaches the table, thinks for a minute and throws out a plate of pasta, claiming "We have too much of this in our country." The Mexican approaches the table, thinks for a minute and throws out a plate of burritos, claiming "We have too much of this in our country." The American approaches the table, thinks for a minute and then throws out the Mexican.
-
Oooh, I get it now. Man, that is offensive.
-
I know it in Polish version.
French, Italian, Pole and African are flying by plane. Steward says: Plane is too heavy, someone must jump out. French says "Viva la France!" and jump out the plane. After 10 mins, steward come back again and says that is again to heavy. Italian says "Viva la Italia!" and and jump out the plane. After next 10 mins, steward come again and again says that plane is too heavy. Pole think, think and finally says "Viva la Mozambique!" and thow out African.
-
Oooh, I get it now. Man, that is offensive.
That joke doesn't touch my Cache of Offensive Jokes.
-
^ Bring it on!
-
What would a toy say if it could talk?
DOJADAHH!??
why is this?
made in china
-
This reminds me of one of those clips from that Family Guy episode.
"Marty, I just found out your daughter is going to marry a black man!"
"Well, what's wrong with that?"
"Oh, uh, um. Nothing. I don't mind, I was just...."
"Doc, I don't feel comfortable around you anymore."
"You know, Marty, peanut butter was invented by a black man!"
"It's a little late for that, Doc."
One of the few times I've laughed at Family Guy.
-
Three men, an Italian, a French and a Spanish went for a job interview in England. Before the interview, they were told that they must compose a sentence in English with three main words: green, pink and yellow.
The Italian was first:
- "I wake up in the morning. I see the yellow sun. I see the green grass and I think to myself, I hope it will be a pink day."
The Spanish was next:
- "I wake up in the morning, I eat a yellow banana, a green pepper and in the evening I watch the pink panther on TV."
Last was the French:
- "I wake up in the morning, I hear the phone "green... green...", I pink up the phone and I say "Yellow ?"...
-
What do hippies drink?
Granola cola
What do idiots drink?
so-Duhhh
What's black and white, black and white, black and white, black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
What's red and green, and spins at 200 mph?
A frog in a blender.
-
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch.
"Hey, what's up with that thing", says the bartender.
"Arr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
-
Didn't Lizard Dude already tell that joke?
-
Uh... not on this thread, at least, I think...
-
A piece of rope walks into a bar and says "I want a drink."
The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve your kind here."
The piece of rope walks out of the bar, messes up his hair, unties his shoes, and rips his clothes. He walks back into the bar and again asks for a drink. The bartender says "Aren't you the same guy that was just in here?"
The rope says "No, I'm a frayed knot."
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs, floating in a pool?
Bob
What do you call a man with no arms or legs, lying in front of a door?
Mat
-
What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the women's battered shelter?
>>The dishes if she knows what's good for her.
How does Hitler tie his shoes?
>>In little nazis.
corny, yes..
-
To continue Toad's string of quadrapeligic jokes...
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell
-
- How you can call man which don;t have left ear, left, eye, left hand and left leg?
- All right
-
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch.
"Hey, what's up with that thing", says the bartender.
"Arr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
Robot Chicken much? :P
WARNING: OFFENSIVE
What's the difference between a dead baby and an onion?
I don't cry when I cut up dead babies.
-
^ Oh, God, that's wrong.
Robot Chicken much? :P
No, actually (but I'd like to). I take it that joke was on there once?
-
What do you call a ninja in red?
A TERRORIST!
What do you call a gem with a gun?
A JACK RUBY!
What's the difference between a dead baby and an onion?
I don't cry when I cut up dead babies
That made me lol
Whats the difference between a car and a lot of dead babies?
i dont have a car in my garage
-
No, actually (but I'd like to). I take it that joke was on there once?
Yeah there was a short channel flip with a pirate with a steering wheel on his crotch region answering a fellow pirate asking what it is.
-
Why don't women wear watches?
There's a clock on the oven
What do you do when the dish washer stops working?
Slap her and tell her to get back to work
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
Doesn't matter, they'll just sit in the dark and cry about it
How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends on how hard you throw them
How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
One to hold the bulb and the rest to drink until the room spins
One cannibal turns to the other and says, "Does this clown taste funny to you?"
Three guys are caught by a band of cannibals. The cannibals say, "We will let you go under one condition. First, go into the jungle and bring back ten fruits of the same kind."
The three guys go out, and the first one comes back an hour later. He has ten apples.
The cannibals say, "You must shove all ten apples in your nose without making any sounds. If you fail, we will eat you."
The guy gets to the third apple and grunts in pain. They put him in a cage for later.
The second guy comes back an hour and a half later. He has ten grapes.
The cannibals say, "You must shove all ten grapes in your nose without making a sound. If you fail, we will eat you."
The guy gets to the seventh grape and bursts out laughing. They put him in a cage for later.
As the cannibals turn to greet the third guy, they turn back to the caged grape man. "Why were you laughing so hard?"
"I saw the last guy coming back with ten pineapples."
Spoiler tagged to ensure no accidental sight of punchline:
Two guys are caught by a tribe of headhunters. The headhunters say, "You have two options. Death, or booga booga."
The first guy says, "I have a wife and kids. I'll take booga booga."
The headhunters take him to their camp and rape him.
The second guy sees this and says, "I will never agree to that. I choose death."
The chief smiles and says "DEATH BY BOOGA BOOGA!"
-
What do you do when the dish washer stops working?
Slap her and tell her to get back to work
lol
-
I lol'd at the Irish joke.
-
Bobman, this is the reason why I hate so many jokes, or even jokes in general. These breach good taste in so many ways I cannot describe my overall disgust.
...I liked the Irish joke too, though.
-
I posted those jokes with full knowledge of their tastefulness, or lack thereof, so don't shoot the messenger. That said, sorry if I offended you. You can't make all the people happy all the time, I suppose.
-
Hmm, messengers are one thing, but journalists are another.
-
If by that you imply I made up those jokes, then I assure you, I'm a messenger.
-
Journalists writing something new?!
What I'm implying is that nobody's paying you to provide such tasteless-- nay, distasteful jokes.
-
Bobman, this is the reason why I hate so many jokes, or even jokes in general. These breach good taste in so many ways I cannot describe my overall disgust.
I agree. I also hate cars in general because some of them aren't my favorite color, and animals in general because my cat scratches me sometimes.
-
Two guys are caught by a tribe of headhunters. The headhunters say, "You have two options. Death, or booga booga."
The first guy says, "I have a wife and kids. I'll take booga booga."
The headhunters take him to their camp and rape him.
The second guy sees this and says, "I will never agree to that. I choose death."
The chief smiles and says "DEATH BY BOOGA BOOGA!"
I think the word for that is snoo snoo
-
I suppose it can vary, really. Either could be used in the joke with no effect on the general concept.
-
How much experience does Hillary Clinton need to screw in a light bulb?
doesnt matter, shes a woman
How much experience does Hillary Clinton need to drive a car?
doesnt matter, shes a woman
How much experience does Hillary Clinton need to become president?
Who cares? She's a woman
-
Meh, that wasn't even ironically funny. Just sorta, y'know, meh.
-
A joke is supposed to have a twist on the third repetition.
-LD
-
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and says "I'll have a martini." The bartender asks him "Olive, or twist?"
-
lol Dickens
-
Nice pun BTW. anywho, here's mine.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."
-
Ah hahaha, I remember hearing that one before! That is indeed a good one.
I should have told that one at my stupid Student Computing Services interview.
-
There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.
The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn''t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."
The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life'' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I''m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."
It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick''s refrigerator....."
-
How ironict that this should appear at the top of the page!
Clean Christian Jokes
Find the best good humor
cartoons, jokes, stories & more
at Crosswalk!
www.Crosswalk.com
-
I'm a member of Crosswalk's forum board actually.
-
1. COINCIDENTAL. NOT IRONIC. The word has been misused for far too long.
2. Not really, even. The ads match up with the page's content.
-
Why was the bug tap-dancing on the jar?
The lid said "Twist to open"
Why did the Koopa stare at the orange juice carton?
The carton said "concentrate"
Yes, I changed the wording in that last joke so that no non-ficitonal characters become offended.
-
Clean Christian Jokes
Two men walk into a bar and order a non-alcoholic drink, then leave a $5 tip before leaving.
-
What are Mario's overalls made of?
Denim, denim, denim. (say it out loud and you'll get it)
-
I said it out loud twice and still didn't get it.
I have a feeling it wouldn't be that funny if I did.
-
1. COINCIDENTAL. NOT IRONIC. The word has been misused for far too long.
2. Not really, even. The ads match up with the page's content.
If you consider Glorb's heaven joke dirty, then the situation could be considered ironic when you take your point 2 into account!
-LD
-
I said it out loud twice and still didn't get it.
Say it really fast and it sounds like the underground theme to Super Mario Bros.
You know. "Da na da na da na."
-
Exactly! XD
-
Yeah, like I thought, not very funny at all.
-
COINCIDENTAL. NOT IRONIC.
Clean Christian Jokes
I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick''s refrigerator....."
Seems pretty ironic to me...
-
There once were three Indian squaws. One slept on a bear skin, one slept on a deer skin, and one slept on a hippopotamus skin. One day, all three of them became pregnant. The one on the bear skin gave birth to a strong, healthy boy, as did the one on the deer skin, but the one on the hippopotamus skin gave birth to twins, proving that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
-
Denim, denim, denim.
Denimdenimdenim
Denimdenimdenim
Denimdenimdenim
Denimdenimdenim
Denim da de nim de nim duh duh duh de nim nim
Okay, I'm through.
-
There once were three Indian squaws. One slept on a bear skin, one slept on a deer skin, and one slept on a hippopotamus skin. One day, all three of them became pregnant. The one on the bear skin gave birth to a strong, healthy boy, as did the one on the deer skin, but the one on the hippopotamus skin gave birth to twins, proving that the sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
Man, where did you hear that!?
-
I don't know about him, but I read it and a bunch of other puns in a book called "Bred any good rooks lately?".
-
I've heard it before too. Don't remember where.
-
I don't think I get it. My brain's telling me it has to do with the Pythagorean Theorem, and if it does, it's a stretch. Unless I'm pronouncing some words wrong.
-
I think you have too little confidence in your Getting It abilities.
-
There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass - not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.
One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.
When he awoke, he went outside, and saw that his dog had eaten the grass all in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.
Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"
-
^ Bad. Just... bad. ;)
-
CrossEyed, the jokes you tell make puns actually enjoyable.
-
Well, have pun with this one!
...
Sorry.
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway."
-
Ha, that one was actually decent.
-
Oh God... somebody give him a groaner-related CT, already.
-
Hey, it was better than "Denim denim denim".
-
^ That one was actually kind of funny, but only if you hear it.
-
No, it wasn't. Plus I never thought of singing it that way.
-
This one's worse.
David was a chef for a large catering company. He enjoyed his work with the other chefs, but often liked to relax by going to the zoo. He particularly enjoyed the three-toed sloth which absolutely fascinated him. He would stand and watch it for hours, just hanging there, ever so infrequently making just the tiniest movement. He found it incredibly relaxing. So relaxing, in fact, that when a friend from the catering company complained that work was stressing him out he suggested they go to the zoo to watch the sloth and relax. This caught on among the chefs, and soon more and more of them would go to watch the sloth on weekends and days off.
Eventually David organised a day out for the company at the zoo, and all the chefs were standing in front of the sloth's area, watching it and relaxing. Suddenly, with no warning, the sloth lost its grip on the vine from which it had been hanging - it hit the ground heavily and rolled down a shallow slope into the moat at the edge of its pen, and to the surprise and horror of the gathered chefs the water began to bubble and steam furiously, until the sloth was well and truly roasted.
David suddenly realised what had happened.
"Oh, no!" he shouted, "We should have known better! Everyone knows too many cooks boil the sloth!"
-
Guh.
-
Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
-
^ I've often made that comparison before, but not really in joke form...
-
A troop of French Foreign Legionaries were marching through the desert. They had been marching for days, their water supply had run out, and they were on the brink of collapse.
And then suddenly, as they staggered over the crest of a large sand dune, they came upon a sight that brought relief to them all - a market place, spread out over the desert. Rows of colourful stalls, with their banners flapping in the breeze.
The legionaries were delighted. Filled with an extra surge of energy, they ran down the dune to the market.
Arriving at the first stall, the begged the stall-holder for water.
"I'm sorry," says the stall-holder, "all I have are these delicious puddings made from jelly and sponge and with a cream topping sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."
Not to be deterred, the troops move on to the next stall, pleading for water.
"Sorry, but I only have these bowls of pudding, made from jelly and sponge," says the man behind the counter.
The legionaries move on, but as they look down the rows of stalls, they can see that every single stall is selling exactly the same thing, and as they move along, asking for water, they get the same response every time.
Finally, one of the stall-holders takes pity on them, and tells them about an oasis not far away, so they leave the market, and head for the oasis.
As they're leaving, one of the legionaries turns to his partner, and says "Hmmm. That was a trifle bazaar."
-
Wow, that pun wasn't.
-
Alright, there's room for more than one punster on this forum.
Once there was a group of monks that started up a flower shop in town. Naturally, the concept was a great gimmick, and everybody enjoyed buying bulbs and seeds and such from the brothers.
However, a rival company was frustrated by the monks' success and sent over a representative to persuade them to close down. The brothers refused, even as they were continually asked to quit their business.
Eventually, the rival company sent over a thug named Hugh McTaggart to "persuade" the monks. One day, Hugh burst through the doors and trashed the store, leaving the monks so terrified that that they shut the doors on their establishment.
This proves once and for all that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
-
I tried out the denim denim denim thing on a few people in RL yesterday and got good results.
-
A two-parter!
Well into his career, Quasimodo, most famous and accomplished of Notre Dame bellringers, died in his sleep. As he was not the best-liked of individuals, mourning was brief, and afterward the church was left sans bellringer. Quasimodo had been working there for quite a long time, and as such the priests did not know how to go about looking for a replacement. After much deliberation, they decided to hold an audition.
Notre Dame being such a prestigious cathedral, people came from far and wide to audition for the job of bellringer. The priests were stunned; they hadn't expected such response. They got to the tedious labor of interviewing each of the would-be ringers, and continued at it for an entire month before finally reaching the end of the line. By this point, they were extremely disheartened: every last one of the applicants they had interviewed thus far was nothing less than awful at bellringing. The last one, from a single look alone, promised to be no improvement: he had no arms!
As frustrated as they were, the prospect of a no-armed bellringer was amusing to the priests, so instead of simply dismissing him they put him through the interview process. "Do you have any experience in the field of bellringing?" they asked. "I've worked at several churches and cathedrals throughout Europe," he told them, "and all of the priests I have worked with will be happy to provide references." This intrigued the priests, so they probed further. "How do you ring the bells, with no arms?" Unfazed, he told asked, "May I demonstrate?" They brought him up to the bell-tower. He stood back from one of the bells, bent down, and ran at it, striking it with his face, then repeating this with the other bells, producing the most beautiful music the priests had ever heard. They hired him on the spot.
Things went swimmingly for several months. Every morning the bellringer woke up early to ring the bells, creating unique music and helping to maintain Notre Dame's place as the foremost of France's cathedrals. The citizens loved his music, and everything was fantastic. Then, one day, there was a tragic accident. The bell ringer backed up, as usual, and ran at the bell- but missed it entirely. He charged out of the tower, falling to his death.
As his body laid on the street below, a crowd began to gather. The individuals surrounding him muttered amongst themselves: nobody knew who he was. "Who is this?" was the question on everyone's lips. "Whose body is this?" Someone finally piped up:
"I don't know, but his face sure rings a bell."
So Notre Dame was once again out a bellringer. The audition process had ended up working out well for the priests the previous time, so they decided to hold a second audition. Once again, people came from far and wide to audition for the honor of being the person to ring Notre Dame's bells. As a matter of fact, most of them were the same people, undaunted by their previous failures. The priests once again went down the line, interviewing the applicants one by one, only to find that once again they were all simply terrible. Finally they reached the last person in line. Once again, they were shocked to find that he had no arms. What was more, he bore a striking resemblance to the previous bellringer.
"That's funny," said one of the priests. "You look a lot like the last guy we had in here!" The interviewee replied, "Well, I ought to! He was my brother!" His list of credentials was even longer than the last man's, and the music (which he played in much the same manner) was even more beautiful. Of course, they hired him immediately. Once again, things went great for several months, and the priests thanked God for their good fortune in finding not one but two such gifted individuals. But, just like the last time, one day there was an accident. The bellringer backed up, ran at the bell, missed it, and fell out of the tower, landing on his face and dying instantly.
Once again, a puzzled crowd gathered around the body on the street. "Who is this?" they asked. "Who has died in the street?" Nobody seemed to know. This went on for some time, until someone finally interjected:
"I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"
-
I wish I'd thought of that one...
Additionally, I now have "Dead Ringer for Love" in my head.
-
I saw the second one coming.
-
This one might be the worst yet.
Animal activist Bo Derek was horrified to learn that the Queen of England wears antique sable coats. She decided to confront the Queen over the issue, and arranged to get herself invited to an event which the Queen was also due to attend. So a couple of months later, there they were at a very high class tea party. Rich people everywhere. Bo started looking around for the Queen. Sure enough, there she was. It was time for the confrontation! She marched up to the Queen, and demanded an answer.
Elizabeth responded haughtily: "Some wear old fur to reign, Bo."
-
*Facepalm*
Please tell me you're not making these up.
-
Ahspaghettiahravioli...ahMAMMAMIA!" MAMMA MIA! OH NOOOO!OKIDOKI!ARRIVEDERCI!WEEEGIE!SOLONGIEBOWSER!IT'S ME MARIOOOO!
Hey STINKY!
-
(Who is this guy?)
-
A user who registered here long before you did.
-
(Who is this guy?)
I'm your boss, bro...kiss my hand! T.T
(I'm not a guy! X3)
-
I'm trying to picture what type of facial expression X3 is representing. It looks painful.
-
T.T would probably be even more so.
-
I'm trying to picture what type of facial expression X3 is representing. It looks painful.
Extreme felinity.
-
Extreme felinity.
Miaoooo...
-
"I've heard of Weed Killers, but Killer weeds?" Hahahahaha! Luigi, will you ever seize to make me laugh?
That's Mama Luigi to you Johnny Macho!
My bad!
-
Will you ever cease this brand of nonsense?
-
Will you ever cease this brand of nonsense?
Fine, I'll just stand in that corner over there.
-
FUN THINGS TO SAY IN A BATHROOM STALL (adapted from the internet list: "Fun Things to Do in the Bathroom")
"Boy, that sure looks like a maggot..."
"Humus. Reminds me of humus."
"Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
"Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that..."
"Geez, I knew that hole was too small... now what am I gonna do?"
"Hmm, I've never seen that color before..."
"D**n, this water's cold..."
"Now how did that get there?"
"Whoa! Easy boy!"
"S**t, my glass eye!" (while dropping a marble on the ground)
"May I borrow a highlighter?" (while beckoning under the adjacent stall)
-
What do you get when you mix a mouse with some laundry detergent?
Squeaky clean clothes.
What do you call a chef that makes cakes and cookies while intoxicated?
Drunken Hines.
What do you get when Steve Jobs hires and fires a lot of people in six months?
Apple turnover.
~~~
Once upon a time, in a far-off land, there was an ice cream truck driver named Bob. Everyone in the neighborhood knew when Bob's truck was driving by because of the giant inflatable clown head that he'd strapped to the roof. The clown head had speakers in it, and as Bob drove by he would talk into a little microphone, saying things like, "Hey, kids, buy ice cream!" And lo and behold, it sounded just like the giant inflatable clown head itself was talking. Bob liked his job because he got to make kids happy and eat a lot of ice cream himself. And so it went, for many years.
Until one day, the government of the far-off land decided to outlaw ice cream.
Yes, all of a sudden, the treats that Bob once sold had become controlled substances. Bob, fearing for his job, quickly converted his ice cream truck into a tuna-fish truck, but he kept the clown head and the speakers for old times' sake.
But instead of turning in his stocks of ice cream to the government, he kept them in the basement of his house, and every day he would take out a popsicle or a sundae cone and eat it in the privacy of his home. It got so Bob would eat more and more ice cream every day, which made him a bit of a jumpier person than he had been before, but nobody seemed to mind.
And so it happened that one day, Bob was rather erratically driving his tuna-fish truck around the neighborhood, having just eaten two pudding pops and an orange creamsicle. He picked up his microphone, as he had done so many times before, but when he switched the microphone on, the sugar buzz kicked in, and all he could say was: "T'nnufidgeiss ver'gyood! Buy'tnaow!"
And that's when Bob realized that he had a problem.
A problem...with truck head diction.
-
>_x
Ow.
-
It's better to burn out than to fade away, CrossEyed7 (but that was still kinda funny).
-
This one's long, but here we go.
There are three men in a plane. They crash land in Iran. The Iranians decide to torture them. They told the Americans go get one fruit from your pantry. The first guy comes back with an apple. They tell the American he has to stick the apple all the way up his butt without laughing or they'll shoot him. He gets about half way there and he laughs. He's dead.The second guy comes back with a banana. He has to do the smae thing. He got almost all the way there, but laughed. In heaven the first guy says to the other guy, "You were almost there, why did you laugh? He replied, "I saw the third guy come back with a pinapple."
-
That sounds... familiar. Page 3 familiar.
-
Page 3 familiar? I don't get it.
-
There's a similar joke on Page 3 consisting of cannibals rather than Iranians.
-
Took me 3 or 4 times to realize you didn't just type "cannabis".
-
Thing is, that would kind of make sense.
-
Speaking of Cannibals, there are these two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other: does this taste a little funny to you?
-
Why was the cannibal expelled from school? For buttering up his teacher.
Yeah, it's stupid. On several levels.
-
Man, I had no idea people carried this many jokes around in their heads.
-
Took me 3 or 4 times to realize you didn't just type "cannabis".
"Stick this cannabis up your butt or you die!"
-
Mr Brown is our official English teacher:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJHxWMRHu18&feature=related
Thankyou very much Mr Brown: we always learn a lot from you! =D
-
Heheh-- that seems like a most entertaining video course. Unfortunately, I think it would sometimes be difficult to learn anything from it, especially that first lesson where he was writing variants of "to be" on the window of that shop. You couldn't read that! Nor was it used in context.
-
Heheh-- that seems like a most entertaining video course. Unfortunately, I think it would sometimes be difficult to learn anything from it, especially that first lesson where he was writing variants of "to be" on the window of that shop. You couldn't read that! Nor was it used in context.
Mr Brown loves people but people doesn't love him...
(Look that it's an original Candid camera show, not a real English lesson...;p)
-
You're trapped in a room with no windows and no door.
All you have is a mirror and a table.
How do you escape?
You look in the mirror,
you see what you saw,
you take the saw,
you cut the table in half,two halves make a whole,
you go through the hole,
and get out.
Two drums, and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
Ba-dum Ksssshhh.
A guy walks into a bar, and says "Ow..." Yeah...
-
What do a telephone and a dog have in common?
They both have collar ID.
Why did Bobby Fischer marry a woman from Prague?
He was looking for a Czech mate.
How is a thief like a thermometer on a hot day?
They are both up to something.
*~~~*
Two blondes went to a costume party, both dressed as Betty Boop. When they saw each other, they were very angry, because they couldn't stand the thought that someone else was wearing the same costume. They started feuding, and one of them grabbed the other's name tag and changed it so that it read "Betty Bop." The second immediately did the same, so they were both wearing the wrong name tag and were angrier than ever.
Suddenly there was an unearthly moan, and a ghost appeared to them, also dressed as Betty Boop. It intoned, "Beware, mortals! I was once such as you, but through my pettiness and wrath I came to this! Beware, lest ye too suffer my grim fate! Beware!" But the two blondes ignored the apparition and kept feuding.
Things continued along those lines until the scat-singing contest. When it was the first blonde's turn, she did spectacularly, so much so that the audience demanded an encore. This made the second blonde so angry that she snapped, snuck up onto the bandstand, and slipped a bomb into the bass drum. But she greviously overestimated the length of the song, and it ended before she could get away. The drummer hit the bass drum, the bomb went off, and both the blondes and several innocent bystanders were killed.
And the moral of the story is: Bop, Bop, Boo-Bop: She Bopped; Bam, Boom!
-
What do you get when you cross a midget Eskimo with a septuplet of Klan members?
Snow Dwarf and the Seven Whites.
-
There was once a banana, and someone ate it.
-
What's the difference between ... a tomato?
-
This is a really long joke, so bear with me...
A kid named Marty is in the school playground during recess. His friend Tommy comes up to him and says, "Hey Marty, want to know a secret?" Marty replies, "sure."
"Purple flower."
Tommy walks away with Marty feeling completely confused.
Marty goes over to a group of friends and says, "Hey guys, Tommy told me his secret."
"What's the secret?"
"Purple flower."
Suddenly his friends start beating him up.
After recess ends Marty goes into class looking like a mess. The teacher says, "Marty, what happened to you?"
"Well, I told my friends Tommy's secret, and they beat me up."
"What? Why on earth would they do that? What's the secret?"
"Purple flower."
"Get out. Go to the principal's office immediately."
Marty walks into the principal's office and sits before the desk. The principal turns to him and asks, "Why were you sent in here, Marty?"
"Well, I told my friends Tommy's secret, and they beat me up, and then I told my teacher the secret and she sent me here."
"What's the secret?"
"Purple flower."
"You're expelled from this school."
Marty takes the early bus home and walks in the front door. His father comes in at the sound, and asks, "What are you doing here? You should be at school!"
"Well, I told my friends Tommy's secret, and they beat me up, and then I told my teacher the secret and she sent me to the principal's office, and I told it to my principal and he expelled me."
"What would be so bad that they'd do that? What's Tommy's secret?"
"Purple flower."
"Get out. You're no longer welcome in this house."
Marty packs up a few items and is sent from his home. Night fall comes and a policeman stops him. "Hey kid, what are you doing out here at this hour?"
"Well, I told my friends Tommy's secret, and they beat me up, and then I told my teacher the secret and she sent me to the principal's office, and I told it to my principal and he expelled me, and then I went home and told my dad the secret, and he kicked me out of the house."
"Well, can you tell me this 'secret,' young man?"
"Purple flower."
"You're under arrest."
Marty is put in jail for the night. The next day, he is released. He is walking down the sidewalk, when he looks to the other side and sees Tommy. He thinks, "I'm going to ask Tommy what 'purple flower' means, once and for all." He begins to cross the road... BAM. He is hit by a bus.
The moral of the story: Look both ways before crossing the street.
-
Purple flower?
-
You're banned.
-
Chup, if that's a joke, it's not funny.
-
...I thought it was funny...
-
I've heard that one before, only it was a kid asking everybody what a "gumblestrode" was. It ranks as the unfunniest joke I've ever heard, second only to The Aristocrats.
-
Dude, don't diss the Aristocrats or I'll get someone to tell it to you while you're eating.
-
Aristocrats has an actual punchline and wonderful freeform opportunities.
That purple flower thing has retarded (yet suspenseful) buildup with NO point in the end.
-
That's called a shaggy dog story, I believe. I like to tell those around campfires since it annoys the dogdoo out of people.
-
Dang. I was typing something about how they're called shaggy dog jokes, and then Glorb goes and posts it before me.
Oddly enough, the Wikipedia article (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shaggy_dog_story) has a link to the article about The Aristocrats.
-
I might have posted this one before, but..
Two cannibals are eating a clown and one turns to the other and says "Does this taste funny to you?"
-
The purple flower one made me LOL! But it was just from the unexpectedness his friends beating him up. I thinks jokes don't have to have a logical ending, or an ending for the matter. As wikipedia says "Shaggy dog stories play upon the audience's preconceptions of the art of joke telling. The audience listens to the story with certain expectations, which are either simply not met or met in some entirely unexpected manner."
It is joke about jokes, so that might add a new layer of funny-ness to it if you are into that comic stuff.
Anyway a Joke:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
No you are the chicken. Now the chicken is a road.
(god that sucked)
-
A duck walks into a store and asks the manager, "Ya got any gwapes?". The manager says no. So the duck leaves and comes back the next day. He asks the manager "Ya got any gwapes?", and the manager says "No, we ain't got now gwapes, and if you come back in here again I'll staple your feet to the floor!". So the duck leaves and comes back the next day. He asks the manager "Ya got any staples?", and the manager says no. The duck then asks "Ya got any gwapes?".
I think this sounds better in person.
-
Why do girls wear makeup and perfume?
Because they're ugly and they stink.
-
That is to say nothing of Axe and Tag (which, incidentally, make a guy smell even worse, though maybe it's more attractive to a female nose. Or not. I hate locker rooms, in any case).
-
I wore Axe for a while until I found the constant tearing of my eyes hard to cope with.
-
Both readings of the word "tear" are valid there.
-
How about some Chuck Norris jokes?
There are two kinds of people in this world: those that live, and those that meet Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lays potato chip.
Chuck Norris is Darth Vader's father.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table of elements, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there's no life there.
-
You are banned from the internet forever.
-
The moon is actually several thousand British soldiers that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked into orbit during the Revolutionary War.
-
Okay, that one's actually sorta cool. In that I haven't heard it before.
-
Chuck Norris has only sneezed once; only one dinosaur survived it. Then Chuck Norris ripped the dinosaur's skin off and blew his nose on it.
-
How about some Chuck Norris jokes?
NO.
How about some Chuck Norris facts?
Yes. But maybe in a separate thread.
-
Yes. But maybe in a separate thread.
NO.
-
Did he mention it's a thread on a different site?
-
Did he mention it's a thread on a different site?
NO.
He did not.
So what's the difference between a friar from Italy and and a friar from France?
The French friar is making minimum wage!
-
A dog with a limp walks into a bar, and says to the bartender, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!"
-
Three guys walk into a bar, the fourth one ducks. *Rimshot*
-
There's also another version of that joke. Three guys walk into a bar, and the fourth one uses the door! Paranpam pssssssshhhhhh.
-
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
-
old but awesome because a lot of people can't get it
What do you get when you cross a mountain climber and a mosquito?
Nothing, everyone knows you can't cross a scaler and a vector
-
That is almost awesome but I find the mosquito-to-vector too much of a stretch.
-
Vector, since mosquitos transmit diseases and a disease-transmitting lifeform is called a vector.
...I got that right, right?
-
Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?
She's a man.
-
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.
-
What's so great about chemistry?
It's pHun!
-
I hate these kind of jokes but I know how you kids love 'em:
Two men were fishing on a lake when one dropped his wallet. They watched it float into the depths until a carp swam up and snatched it. Then another carp stole it away from the first and, within seconds, a third carp grabbed it from the second carp. One fisherman remarked to the other, "Well, look at that. Carp-to-carp walleting!"
-
...
-
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...
'Yep they are all mine,' the flustered mamma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'
'This one's my oldest - he is Leroy.'
'Well, this one, he is Leroy, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!
'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?'
Their Mama replied, 'Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' And when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all comes a-running. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea ever had, namin' 'em all Leroy.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
'Then I call them by their last names.'
-
A new guy is moving into a neighborhood and decides to acquaint himself with his new neighbors. So he walks up to the house next door and knocks. Another guy about his age answers the door.
"Hi, I just moved in. I was wondering if you'd like to come over for for a little get-together at my place tomorrow?" asks the new guy. The other guy says yes.
"Now, I've got to warn you. There's probably going to be some drinking going on. Heavy drinking. You mind?"
"Nah, it's cool. I'll probably have a few cold ones myself."
"Now, there's probably going to be some drugs going around, y'know. That okay with you?"
"Yeah, sure. I won't call the cops." The guy smiles.
"I should also mention there's gonna be lots of sex. You cool with that?"
"Oh, totally, totally."
"And I should tell you that there's going to be a few fights probably. That okay?"
"Yeah, I can take pretty good care of myself."
The new guy nods his head and says, "Okay, see you tomorrow then." As he begins to walk off, the other guy says "Anything I should wear?" The new guy turns around and says:
"Nah, doesn't matter, it's just going to be us two."
-
I can't post most of all of George Carlin's jokes here due to vulgar material, I''ll post my favorite one by him. It's not funny as text so I'll include the mp3.
http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/11/9/1574507/Boston%20Heart%20Attack%20.mp3 (http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/11/9/1574507/Boston%20Heart%20Attack%20.mp3)
-
Why did Glorb go to Target?
He heard boys' pants were half-off!
-
Why was Glorb staring at the orange juice carton?
It said "Concentrate"!
-
Why was Lizard Dude arrested for looking out the window in the morning?
Because mooning is illegal!
-
Why can't
Helen Keller Lizard Dude drive?
Because she's a woman!
-
Why was CrossEyed7 disqualified from the Ugly Contest?
They didn't allow professionals!
-
Who really sucks?
Lizard Dude!
-
CrossEyed7 is stupid!
-
Luigi is in Super Mario Galaxy.
-
What's not funny?
This whole page.
-
This is a new low.
-
Why is this a new low?
Because she's a woman
-
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Ffailblog.files.wordpress.com%2F2008%2F06%2Ffail-math-woman.jpg&hash=92ec76f291d47f1eb1fb5180ba9351eb)
-
Why is a woman attempting math in the first place?
Because someone has to do it.
-
Why can't Helen Keller drive a car?
She's a Lizard Dude.
-
^ Best page ever
-
Diner: "Waiter, this soup is cold. Bring me some that's hot!"
Waiter: "What do you want me to do, burn my thumb?"
-
There was this librarian that always got a kick out of the types of books people check out. A woman once took the two books titled How to Talk to the Lord and How to Win an Arguement Everytime.
-
There once was a man who thought time could fly so one morning he threw his alarm clock out the window killing a small child and when he was arrested, he said to the policeman "I only wanted see time fly" Then the man was sent to 25 years in jail and the policeman said to the man "Time is really gonna fly for you!".
-
That is incredibly unfunny!
-
It was the best I could think of in ten seconds.
-
Never become a comedian, for the sake of humanity.
-
That one was bad. The other one before that was food. I'm usually good with jokes but not a forum.
-
The other one before that was food.
*coughs up a lung due to extreme laughter*
-
It took me about ten seconds to realize that was a typo.
-
*insert something YouTube Poop related*
-
This thread.
-
That would've been relevant 219 replies ago.
-
Markio
-
I farted in someone's general direction.
-
...
-
Car accidents? No no, those were all on purpose.
Every drive's a blood drive for me! VRRRRRRRRRRRRT CRRRRSSSHHHHHHH!!!!
-
I don't know if you know Italian, but you must watch this!XD
It's from a famous TV show in Italy and this particular episode is really recent (the day vbefore yesterday: so no "80s-90s" inside, ok?XD)!;)
http://it.youtube.com/watch?v=FOvAKpDFik4
-
That's like this (http://it.youtube.com/watch?v=lHhfyGt578A) meets this (http://it.youtube.com/watch?v=3UhPNUxqaOU) meets this (http://static.howstuffworks.com/gif/quick-tips-for-spaghetti-sauce-1.jpg).
-
Heh heh, that was pretty entertaining to watch! ...even though I understand a word they were saying, I still kinda understood what was happening.
That was probably the best Super Mario Bros. comedy show I've ever seen. :)
-
That's like this (http://it.youtube.com/watch?v=lHhfyGt578A) meets this (http://it.youtube.com/watch?v=3UhPNUxqaOU) meets this (http://static.howstuffworks.com/gif/quick-tips-for-spaghetti-sauce-1.jpg).
Ohn my god! They copied the idea maybe!XD
But the princess Peach of thge Italian version is unique, believe me!>>
-
You've motivated me to learn Italian so I can understand that.
I don't have a favorite joke. -_-
-
"Excuse me waiter, but what is this fly doing in my soup?
The back stroke."
-
As President Obama was getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said:
"Nice pigs, sir."
The president replied, "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."
The squared away Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
"Excellent trade, sir."
-
Jade Goody swore on her life she wasn't a racist.
-
That wasn't funny.
Turtlekid's joke made me chuckle a bit.
-
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a [dukar]."
-
The economy is my favorite joke.
-
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "Morning."
He replied, "No, just having a [dukar]."
(https://themushroomkingdom.net/board/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.thecommunitypaper.com%2Fimages%2Fchuckle.jpg&hash=a58925156dfb0b0a72abad15a836f3d3)
-
I'd be lying if I said that wasn't funny, but what's with dc804's cockney cursing lately?
-
I honestly don't care about his cursing. No one else should either.
But...someone, by the end of tomorrow, will undoubtably censor it.
-
Sounds like society's phasing out the old curses and replacing them with new, futuristic stuff, and dc804 wants to use them all up fast.
-
I was just copy8ing and pasting jokes. The swears were part of the jokes I found.
-
Rodney Dangererfiled had some good one liners. I probably can't post them because they are copywritten and someone might complain.
-
I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letters, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!
I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.
I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry." So it died.
-
#1 - 7.0
#2 - 9.0
#3 - 6.8
-
Those were all pretty good.
-
First one's punchline was entirely too long and drawn out. Second joke was amazing. Third joke was only funny in a terrible sense.
-
I finally found out how to avoid getting a parking ticket. I removed the windshield wipers from my car.
-A police officer is writing a ticket for a car parked in a handicap space. A man and a women walked out, and the man shouts "What the heck are doing? I have only been parked here 2 minutes".
-"You can't park here" replies the officer.
-"You are just a loser" the women replies. "You miserable old bum."
-"Calm down lady" the officer says.
-"I bet you live alone, and if you ever had a girl, she was smart enough to leave you!"
-"That's it! I was going to be nice enough to make the fee a little lower than it should be, but now I am raising it forty dollars!"
-The man replies "That's great. You, a nice guy? You are just picking on people becuse you know there is nothing they can do about it. You have been a loser all your life, and you want to get back at society for everyone being right about you failing at life!"
-The cop has an extremely angry look on his face, pulls out his speaker and says "I got a car that needs to be towed." He put his speaker away, and said to the man and women "now your fee is going up another $400."
-After the cop drives away, the man and women break out laughing. The man says to his girlfriend "I feel sorry for the guy who owns this car." A tow truck comes by aminute later and tows it away.
I walked out of the store earlier and found a huge dent in the back of my car. There was a note on it that said "I am sorry I backed into your car. A few people saw me do it, and they think I am writing down my contact information, but I am not."
-
I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse... in a way... ya know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letters, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!
I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.
I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry." So it died.
#1. = 4
#2. = 7.5
#3. = 9
-
#1 - 7.0
#2 - 9.0
#3 - 6.8
I thought these were jokes, and Chupperson's and ShadowBrain's posts were in response to them.
-
*Near-LOL*
I'm holding back on a few of my slightly bawdier jokes, though I suppose I shouldn't be that nervous after what dc got away with...
-
What do you get with a dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
Someone lying awake all night wondering if there really is a doG
-
I know someone has done this one before, but..
"I tripped trying to go down the up escalator and fell down for an hour and a half!"
-
#1
I play mini-golf with midgets.
They just call it golf though....
#2
A prostitute goes to pay for her shopping at the tills.
"I'm awfully sorry, miss," said the shopkeeper, "but this fifty pound note is counterfeit. "
"Oh, my God," she exclaimed, "I've been raped!"
-
What side of a chicken has more feathers?
The outside
What do you call a Spanish man whose car has been stolen?
Carlos
A man and his friend are playing golf on a golf course when they see a funeral procession pass by on a nearby road. The man instantly falls to his knees and bows his head in prayer.
"Wow," his friend remarks, as he stands back up, "I never knew you were so spiritual. You really must be a kind man."
"Yeah, well," the man replies, "we were married 35 years."
-
THIS THREAD!!!!!!!1
-
If at first you do not succeed, sky diving is not your thing.
-
Puns are not that phunny.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pun
-
If at first you do not succeed, sky diving is not your thing.
That was one of my first forum signatures (not just here).
-
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your mail box?
Bill
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs water-skiing?
Skip
What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs rolling around on the beach?
Sandy
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole in the ground?
Phil
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs trying to hold-up a bank?
Rob
-
Even though I thought those jokes a bit tasteless, I cracked up at each of them.
-
dc804, you obviously have no idea what "funny" means.
Change of heart?
-
I guess he got lucky.
-
Can't beat a good quadriplegic joke (no, really, they're something of a classic in my family).
-
What did the spud lover do before it went to bed?
It set its alarm for eight -- so it would get a potato clock.
What did the girl ocean say when the boy ocean asked her for a date?
Shore.
Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
He couldn't control his pupils.
Gene Kelly made An American In Paris in the studios in Hollywood. The next year he decided to make a film which this time would be shot on location in Paris. So he went over there with the camera crew, and the first scene called for Gene Kelly to ring the bell in the belfry at Notre Dame Cathedral. He pulled on the rope and pulled and pulled and got carried away, failing to notice that the bell had come loose from its casters. It fell out of the belfry, pulling the rope, with Gene Kelly still hanging on, into the river below. Improvising as best he could under the circumstances, Kelly treaded water and kept on pulling the rope. The director in the belfry above heard a ringing, gurgling sound down below and called down with his megaphone to ask what was going on down there. Kelly replied, "I'm ringing in the Seine!"
What can you sit on, brush your teeth with, and eat soup with?
A chair, a toothbrush, and a spoon.
Did you hear about the imaginary tree?
It was mapleleaf.
So, I saw this friend of mine today. He was sitting in a chair, holding a bag of candy drops, and crying. So I asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Because I'm thinking of all these sad things," he said.
"But why?" I asked.
"Because I want to make myself cry," he said.
"Why would you do that?" I asked.
"Because I want to open this candy bag!" he said.
"How is crying going to help you open the bag?" I asked.
"It says here," he said, pointing to the bag, "Tear here!"
What kind of monkey can fly?
A hot air baboon.
-
Helen Keller went to town
Riding on a pony
She put a feather in her hat
And called it uhhhhhhhhhh
-
Glorb's face
-
Ped Xing's mom
-
Glorb's life
-
Ped Xing's lack of life
-
OK seriously, who the heck is this Ped Xing guy?
-
I thought he was a regular-ish member a while back... hmm.
Also, Glorb's little back-and-forth with that guy seems to contradict his gripes about the /b/-ification of General Chat.
-
Hey, someone says something about my face, I ain't letting that slide. Besides, I'm pretty sure he's just testing the waters before he attempts to go full-troll.
-
Glorb, why didn't you stay gone? This place was so much nicer without you.
-
Oh, like that statement helped matters any.
-
Glorb, why didn't you stay gone? This place was so much nicer without you.
I never left. And if you'd stop whining about me, this place might be nicer anyway.
-
I never left. And if you'd stop whining about me, this place might be nicer anyway.
^ My favorite joke.
-
A man is sitting on the couch watching tv when his doorbell rings. He gets up and opens the door, but there is nobody there. Perplexed, he closes the door and sits back down to watch tv. About 5 hours later, the doorbell goes off again. He gets up to answer again, and this time finds a snail sitting on his porch. He throws the snail into his yard and closes the door.
Three years later, the man is on the couch watching tv when the doorbell rings again. He opens the door and finds the snail again. He picks up the snail, and the snail says "What the hell was that for?!"
-
What beverage did Captain Falcon bring to the party?
Falcon Punch
What game console did Waluigi buy at the end of 2006?
Wiiiiiii!
What did Marth do on the battlefield?
He met-a-knight
-
Really, now.
What do DoA and DNA have in common?
They both have CG T&A.
-
:)
-
First we had mad cow disease, then bird flu and now swine flu.
What is this?
Farmageddon?
-
What did the ape say at the BBQ?
Gorilla me another hamburger!
-
How would you eat a large boat if you were watching your cholesterol?
With bargarine!
-
Well there's a joke that lived and breathed its punchline.
-
Really, now.
What do DoA and DNA have in common?
They both have CG T&A.
Ha ha ah! Awesome. I'm currently studying the Personal Genome Project Study Guide (http://www.pgpstudy.org/index.htm) in hopes of being in the next sequencing.
-
Two guys see a dog licking itself.
The first guy says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The second guy says, "I think you should pet him first."
-
What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
You walk him and pitch to the rhino.
-
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
-
A snake slithers into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." "Why not?" asks the snake. "You can't hold your liquor."
-
Losing my virginity was like the Holocaust.
It never happened.
-
A deserving bump.
If fire hydrants are filled with H20, what are they covered in?
Answer: K9P
-
René Descartes walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Hey, you want a drink?"
Descartes says, "I think not," and vanishes.
-
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because the anthropomorphizing of numerical values is somehow plausible to you, the reader of this joke.
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
They're two different words with two different meanings. The real question should be how "vigilant" and "diligent" differ in meaning.