Your Favorite Joke

[Vidgmchtr]

Hey, it was better than "Denim denim denim".

[ShadowBrain]

^ That one was actually kind of funny, but only if you hear it.

[Chupperson Weird]

No, it wasn't. Plus I never thought of singing it that way.

[CrossEyed7]

This one's worse.

David was a chef for a large catering company. He enjoyed his work with the other chefs, but often liked to relax by going to the zoo. He particularly enjoyed the three-toed sloth which absolutely fascinated him. He would stand and watch it for hours, just hanging there, ever so infrequently making just the tiniest movement. He found it incredibly relaxing. So relaxing, in fact, that when a friend from the catering company complained that work was stressing him out he suggested they go to the zoo to watch the sloth and relax. This caught on among the chefs, and soon more and more of them would go to watch the sloth on weekends and days off.

Eventually David organised a day out for the company at the zoo, and all the chefs were standing in front of the sloth's area, watching it and relaxing. Suddenly, with no warning, the sloth lost its grip on the vine from which it had been hanging - it hit the ground heavily and rolled down a shallow slope into the moat at the edge of its pen, and to the surprise and horror of the gathered chefs the water began to bubble and steam furiously, until the sloth was well and truly roasted.

David suddenly realised what had happened.

"Oh, no!" he shouted, "We should have known better! Everyone knows too many cooks boil the sloth!"

[Glorb]

Guh.

[Raccoon Sam]

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

[ShadowBrain]

^ I've often made that comparison before, but not really in joke form...

[CrossEyed7]

A troop of French Foreign Legionaries were marching through the desert. They had been marching for days, their water supply had run out, and they were on the brink of collapse.

And then suddenly, as they staggered over the crest of a large sand dune, they came upon a sight that brought relief to them all - a market place, spread out over the desert. Rows of colourful stalls, with their banners flapping in the breeze.

The legionaries were delighted. Filled with an extra surge of energy, they ran down the dune to the market.

Arriving at the first stall, the begged the stall-holder for water.

"I'm sorry," says the stall-holder, "all I have are these delicious puddings made from jelly and sponge and with a cream topping sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."

Not to be deterred, the troops move on to the next stall, pleading for water.

"Sorry, but I only have these bowls of pudding, made from jelly and sponge," says the man behind the counter.

The legionaries move on, but as they look down the rows of stalls, they can see that every single stall is selling exactly the same thing, and as they move along, asking for water, they get the same response every time.

Finally, one of the stall-holders takes pity on them, and tells them about an oasis not far away, so they leave the market, and head for the oasis.
As they're leaving, one of the legionaries turns to his partner, and says "Hmmm. That was a trifle bazaar."

[Chupperson Weird]

Wow, that pun wasn't.

[ShadowBrain]

Alright, there's room for more than one punster on this forum.

Once there was a group of monks that started up a flower shop in town. Naturally, the concept was a great gimmick, and everybody enjoyed buying bulbs and seeds and such from the brothers.

However, a rival company was frustrated by the monks' success and sent over a representative to persuade them to close down. The brothers refused, even as they were continually asked to quit their business.

Eventually, the rival company sent over a thug named Hugh McTaggart to "persuade" the monks. One day, Hugh burst through the doors and trashed the store, leaving the monks so terrified that that they shut the doors on their establishment.

This proves once and for all that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

[Lizard Dude]

I tried out the denim denim denim thing on a few people in RL yesterday and got good results.

[CrossEyed7]

A two-parter!


    Well into his career, Quasimodo, most famous and accomplished of Notre Dame bellringers, died in his sleep. As he was not the best-liked of individuals, mourning was brief, and afterward the church was left sans bellringer. Quasimodo had been working there for quite a long time, and as such the priests did not know how to go about looking for a replacement. After much deliberation, they decided to hold an audition.

    Notre Dame being such a prestigious cathedral, people came from far and wide to audition for the job of bellringer. The priests were stunned; they hadn't expected such response. They got to the tedious labor of interviewing each of the would-be ringers, and continued at it for an entire month before finally reaching the end of the line. By this point, they were extremely disheartened: every last one of the applicants they had interviewed thus far was nothing less than awful at bellringing. The last one, from a single look alone, promised to be no improvement: he had no arms!

    As frustrated as they were, the prospect of a no-armed bellringer was amusing to the priests, so instead of simply dismissing him they put him through the interview process. "Do you have any experience in the field of bellringing?" they asked. "I've worked at several churches and cathedrals throughout Europe," he told them, "and all of the priests I have worked with will be happy to provide references." This intrigued the priests, so they probed further. "How do you ring the bells, with no arms?" Unfazed, he told asked, "May I demonstrate?" They brought him up to the bell-tower. He stood back from one of the bells, bent down, and ran at it, striking it with his face, then repeating this with the other bells, producing the most beautiful music the priests had ever heard. They hired him on the spot.

    Things went swimmingly for several months. Every morning the bellringer woke up early to ring the bells, creating unique music and helping to maintain Notre Dame's place as the foremost of France's cathedrals. The citizens loved his music, and everything was fantastic. Then, one day, there was a tragic accident. The bell ringer backed up, as usual, and ran at the bell- but missed it entirely. He charged out of the tower, falling to his death.

    As his body laid on the street below, a crowd began to gather. The individuals surrounding him muttered amongst themselves: nobody knew who he was. "Who is this?" was the question on everyone's lips. "Whose body is this?" Someone finally piped up:

    "I don't know, but his face sure rings a bell."

    So Notre Dame was once again out a bellringer. The audition process had ended up working out well for the priests the previous time, so they decided to hold a second audition. Once again, people came from far and wide to audition for the honor of being the person to ring Notre Dame's bells. As a matter of fact, most of them were the same people, undaunted by their previous failures. The priests once again went down the line, interviewing the applicants one by one, only to find that once again they were all simply terrible. Finally they reached the last person in line. Once again, they were shocked to find that he had no arms. What was more, he bore a striking resemblance to the previous bellringer.

    "That's funny," said one of the priests. "You look a lot like the last guy we had in here!" The interviewee replied, "Well, I ought to! He was my brother!" His list of credentials was even longer than the last man's, and the music (which he played in much the same manner) was even more beautiful. Of course, they hired him immediately. Once again, things went great for several months, and the priests thanked God for their good fortune in finding not one but two such gifted individuals. But, just like the last time, one day there was an accident. The bellringer backed up, ran at the bell, missed it, and fell out of the tower, landing on his face and dying instantly.

    Once again, a puzzled crowd gathered around the body on the street. "Who is this?" they asked. "Who has died in the street?" Nobody seemed to know. This went on for some time, until someone finally interjected:

    "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"

[ShadowBrain]

I wish I'd thought of that one...

Additionally, I now have "Dead Ringer for Love" in my head.

[Chupperson Weird]

I saw the second one coming.

[CrossEyed7]

This one might be the worst yet.


Animal activist Bo Derek was horrified to learn that the Queen of England wears antique sable coats. She decided to confront the Queen over the issue, and arranged to get herself invited to an event which the Queen was also due to attend. So a couple of months later, there they were at a very high class tea party. Rich people everywhere. Bo started looking around for the Queen. Sure enough, there she was. It was time for the confrontation! She marched up to the Queen, and demanded an answer.

Elizabeth responded haughtily: "Some wear old fur to reign, Bo."