I know it's been a long time since I've even posted a reply in the forums, and I dont even deserve to post this topic but here it goes anyways.
It's been a while and I know that, there may be people here that still know who I am and there are deffinatly people here that have never heard of me. I used to be the kind of guy that would whine about not having anyone to be with or just having the ability to talk to a woman with coherancy. I am not that guy anymore. I am a monster, chasing my next high at anyones expense, playing with peoples emotions, anything and everything goes. I dont like it, but I can't lie to myself anymore, thats how it is. Period.
Over the past month I've done everything theres been to be had. You name it, countless nights of being absolutley wasted, shrooms, acid, pills, horse tranquilizers, and even cocaine. I didn't care because I thought nobody else did. Not as in I thought nobody cared about me doing this stuff, but I didn't think anybody cared about me. I eventually dug myself out of the hole I called life but not without help. I dont mean professional drug rehab help but just with friends and avoidance.
What reallly got me out of smoking dope with all my old pals is that I was at the lunch table one day with some other friends. My one really good buddy Brian has been hangin out with this girl who already had a boyfriend but it looked like it was going really well. (By the way this was senior year of highschool, which was like a couple months ago) So he's talking about him and her and how he wants to go play pool with her. Playing pool is something him and I do often, its a game you can just chill and talk about your problems.
To get straight to the point, there was a girl I was really interested in, very interested in actually. I never really talked to her a lot, but I was at the table thinking about the situation, I admit I was probably drunk. But I get this idea of inviting her on a double date with me and my friend, never really held a full conversation with this masterpiece in my life (I call her a masterpiece because I think she is the most beautiful woman and greatest person in my life at this point at the lunch table). My friends dont think I'll ask her, they didn't tell me straight up but I could see it in their faces, so now I had to prove them wrong.
Art class that day I asked her, and the worst thing about it was that my teacher after i asked her she told me she had work, my teacher said I kid you not right out in front of the whole class "Oooooh, Kyle O'Brien was shot down by Kate Lamb!!!" Thanks a bunch Mr. Rice.....
But she did tell me she would go after she got out of work, he must have not have heard that.
We went that night, played a lot of pool, but I kept my distance. We got back to my house and watched Alien, all of us. Nothing good happened that night except for the fact that I got to hang out with her. They said goodbye, they left, thats it.
Then there was another time when I was sick they came to my house to cheer me up then and we a chilled and hung out in my hot-tub before the day of my Chem regents. Nothing happened then either but i guess it was worth it.
The night before graduation though my friend calls me up and asks if I want to play pool with him, his girl, and the foreign exchanged student. I was wicked tired and didnt want to go. They invited kate without telling me. I had dirty, week old cloths on and deoderant. We go to this local bar where the beat is pumpin we're all getting a little tipsy and I'm talking to her from my heart this time. Everyone there thinks we're a couple and guys are backing off just because of it. We get back to my house the night before graduation, chill in my hot tub. She initiates everything and we just make out like animals in front of all our friends. Mind you this is the first time I've ever kissed a woman or even touched a woman my own age.
What really kills me is we got out and cuddled in my room for a couple hours listening to my favorite artist (Syd Barrett). Then I thought I was the luckiest man in the world. I went for something and I esentially got it, for the first time in my life I was the happiest I've ever been in my life. But I think to myself was that feeling worth all the pain and suffering I'm going through now. I call her and she gives me excuses not to hang out like she has to work or something. Not to mention I go to parties and see her, I can't talk to her even though she looks unhappy, because most of the time she's on top of some other guy. I just feel like someone took my soul, got what they wanted and stole it. Now I'm stuck in a slump thinking about her all the time, crying sometimes, but mostly dwelling on understanding what I did wrong. Its killing me.