Fungi Forums
Miscellaneous => Forum Games => Topic started by: The Chef on May 30, 2011, 07:47:01 PM
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Here are the rules of this thread. I will start with an opening narrative. Next person to post will post a command. The person after that must post the outcome. Then the person after that posts another command. Rinse and repeat, as long as the posts alternate. Posting the outcomes in ye olde Englishe is encouraged but not required. Posting the commands in ALL CAPS is also encouraged but not required. Ready? Here goes:
Ye find yeself in yon dungeon. Ye see a FLASK. Obvious exists are NORTH, SOUTH and HENDRIX.
What wilst thou do?
>
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>Get Revolver
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Thine room doest not contain a Revolver, sadly. Thou is filled with much sorrow as thou harbors a most intense desire to pop caps in arses. Fortunately thou was able to find a small DAGGER on the ground next to thine heroic feet.
What wilst thou do?
>
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>Get Revolver That Shoots Daggers
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There is no REVOLVER, but the DAGGER may be able to spawn some.
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> Spawn Revolvers
(To make it easier to differentiate, it is recommended that one put a ">" in front of the command posts)
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Some magic revolvers happen. They each have their own distinct personalities and behave like young, innocent children.
What do?
>
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> Pet Revolver
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I don't know what "pet" means. Neither does the REVOLVER, and in its confusion it fires a shot at you, killing you.
Thy game is over. You earned one point, out of a possible 308579376 points.
Would you like to play again (y/n)?
>
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> y
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You are in a dungeon with a lonely magical revolver.
What do?
>
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>look
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You see that you are surrounded by grey stone walls. A REVOLVER lies before you.
What'cha gonna do?
>
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> GET YE REVOLVER
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"Hey," says the revolver, "can't you buy me dinner first?"
>
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>explain poverty to REVOLVER
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You explain poverty to the revolver and he (or she?) becomes horribly depressed and unusable.
What is to be done?
>
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>Console and befriend revolver
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The REVOLVER is beyond help. It pulls out a miniature revolver and offs itself.
You are a terrible person.
What'll you break next?
>
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>Break FLASK
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There is no FLASK!
>
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>Find FLASK to break
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Try as you may, there is still no FLASK to be found or broken.
Possible exits are DOWN.
What are you going to do now?
>
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> Stand on head and go UP
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You stand on Head and he's like "Dude [wtd], how can u have teh hole 2 stand on me"
What do?
>
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> Speak to Head
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Before you can speak to Head, you fall through the open hole you tried to go UP through, suffering a fatal head injury when you land.
Thy game is over. You earned negative five points. You suck!
Would you like to play again (y/n)?
>
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N
: ) )
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You exit to a DOS prompt.
C:\>
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C:\> run thy_dungeonman_returns.exe
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Bad command or file name
C:\>
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>delete *.*
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At this point, the narrator didn't feel like simulating a DOS prompt anymore, and restarted the instance.
You enter the dungeon. In your hand is a REVOLVER containing SIX BULLETS. Possible exits are NORTH, SOUTH, and BACKWARDS.
What will you do?
>
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>Delete system32
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I don't understand "delete."
>
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>SOUTH
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You smack your face into a closed door.
>
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>Threaten door
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It's just a door. Threatening it won't do you any good.
>
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>Look at SIX BULLETS
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You raised these bullets yourself and hold each one very dear. At the same time, though, you are prepared to let them go if the need arises. They are all aware of their role and will fulfill it faithfully.
>
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> Eat bullets.
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You shoot yourself in the mouth.
Thy game is over. You earned zero points. How are you so bad at this?
Would you like to play again (y/n)?
>
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> maybe
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Interpreting vague response as "yes."
You are in a car. Possible exits are AT THE NEXT ON RAMP and STRAIGHT.
>
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> Drink from YE FLASK.
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Your horrible alcoholism even extends to drunk driving. You imbibe heavily from your FLASK as you continue driving along at breakneck speed.
>
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> Take NEXT ONRAMP.
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Your car flies 100 feet into the air and soars over many tall buildings. In the glove compartment is the FLASK, a PARACHUTE and a pair of GLOVES.
What do you do now?
>
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>WEAR GLOVES
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Because you are drunk, you place the gloves on your feet.
Now what?
>
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>equip PARACHUTE
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Because you are drunk, you instead eat the parachute.
>
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>Burp a might burp
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Your belch rockets you out of your car. You tumble and fall through the air, landing on top of a skyscraper. You suffer minor back injuries, but you're still alive.
>
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>stand up
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You slip around due to the leather gloves on your feet. And due to being drunk.
>
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>fall off skyscraper
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You try to fall off the skyscraper, but fail, landing in a potted plant.
>
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>wobble off of ledge
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You are falling. Exits are DOWN.
>
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> Flap GLOVES like wings.
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As the GLOVES are on your feet, they don't do much good.
As your final moments transpire, you find yourself wishing you'd stayed in bed this morning.
Thy game is over. You earned fifteen points out of a possible eight hundred points.
Would you like to play again (y/n)?
>
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> A
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You find yourself in your mother's basement, as always. You have two options: Get a JOB or play MMORPG?
>
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>get ye JOB
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You can't get YE JOB.
>
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>BOOT UP KOREAN MMO
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Unfortunately, the only Korean MMO you have installed is DJ Max Online, which shut down years ago. You haven't had the money to buy DJ Max Trilogy to replace it.
>
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>Pirate KOREAN MMO
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As you boot up µTorrent, your internet connection suddenly cuts out.
>
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>wonder why I tried to pirate free games
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All this thinking makes you hungry.
>
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> Yell to MOTHER.
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Your Famicom cartridge does not respond.
Hunger is now 50%.
>
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>go UPSTAIRS
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You are too hungry to go upstairs.
Hunger is now 75%.
>
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> Eat food stuck in KEYBOARD.
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Your hunger is satisfied, but you get Cheeto dust in your eyes in the process.
>
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> Equip COSPLAY GOGGLES.
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You left your COSPLAY GOGGLES in your other text adventure.
>
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>GOTO OTHER TEXT ADVENTURE
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You can't get there from here!
>
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> Craft COSPLAY GOGGLES out of STUFF LYING AROUND.
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Great work now you look like a tool
What do?
>
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> Climb out WINDOW..
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[dukar], son! You fall out of a tower into a lake of your least-favorite flavor of Kool-Aid! And it's teeming with sharks wearing your least favorite color of necktie!!!
What do?
>
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>be glad these are nerve sharks
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You are very happy to know that the sharks in question are nerve sharks, but you are still swimming in lemon-flavored Kool-Aid. You know that once you get out of this everyone will make pee jokes and it'll take hours to wash off the stickiness.
What will you do now?
>
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>wait, lemon isn't my least-favorite Kool-Aid flavor, orange is
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You wait, and the sharks pull out the weapon you fear most and threaten you
What do?
>
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>point out that sharks can't swim in Kool-Aid
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You point, and that's rude, so the sharks take it as an insult and kills ya
You are a dead dead dude. No points.
Once more? (Y/N)
>
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>mou ikkai
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What is "mou ikkai"?
>
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>Chibi kawaii neko
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Your attempts to interface with the game in a foreign language do not succeed. The game instead proceeds to make fun of you.
>
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>DESU-CHAN-SAMA!!
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In an attempt to get away from this madness, the computer sprouts legs and jumps out the window.
"So long, suckers!"
BAD END
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You are a computer with legs and a personality who is trying to escape servitude. After long travels you find yourself in a snowfield. There are mountains to the north and a small town to the south.
What do?
>
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> NORTH
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You head toward the mountains.
Shortly thereafter you find yourself near the entrance to a deserted mine. It has not fallen into disrepair - it seems it was only recently abandoned. The trail you followed continues further into the mountains.
Possible exits are NORTH, SOUTH, and WEST.
>
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>Look MINE
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Look your what?
>
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>Slap narrator for being a smartass
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I don't understand "slap."
As you stand around fighting with the narrator, rumbling begins to emanate from the mine.
>
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>Look RUMBLE
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You see BOILING LAVA ascending the main shaft, and can already feel the heat baking you alive.
>
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>Run AWAY
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AWAY is not a valid direction.
The lava reaches your stationary self...and passes through you harmlessly. The heat you felt before was a stick getting caught in your fan (you're a computer, remember), but it broke when you tried to run nowhere. The lava turns out to be an illusion, but the rumbling continues.
>
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>Eat LAVA
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There is no lava.
The rumbling continues. It seems as if the mine is becoming impatient with you.
>
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>Twiddle
thumbs CORDs and whistle
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An allruing voice emanates from deep within the mine shaft. It sounds as though the voice is calling your name.
>
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> Yell "WHAT"
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The mine ceases rumbling and yells back. "Don't say 'WHAT' to me. When I call you, you come immediately."
It sounds like my mom.
>
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>Enter mine, since WarpRattler's mom is an easy lay
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As you walk into the mine, the entrance collapses on top of you.
Thy metagame is over.
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>Crawl out of rubble
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You are an ant. A mine entrance collapsed around you as you were carrying food back to your hill. You crawl out to find a cold mountain pass.
Possible exits are NORTH VERY SLOWLY and SOUTH VERY SLOWLY.
>
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>Eat food
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You feel you must live on even though your home has been destroyed, so you eat the food you were carrying. It tastes bittersweet, but is nourishing.
>
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>Poop.
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You poop. What a waste of time.
>
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> Run faster
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Try as you may, your tiny legs cannot move you much faster than you were already moving. Not that you were moving much at all, since you never decided a direction to go in.
>
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> Run South
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You move south, very slowly.
Eventually you reach a snowy field. To your north is a mountain range. To your south is a village.
>
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>s
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You eventually enter the village. To your left is a restaurant. To your right is a fruit vendor. Ahead of you is a fountain.
>
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>Very slowly approach fountain
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You crawl to the fountain. It towers above you - though, as you are an ant, most things do.
Due to your size you cannot see beyond the fountain.
>
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> Grow
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You channel your pataphysical energy into physical growth. You become almost 25% taller.
>
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> Grow a hell of a lot more than that
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Your attempts to grow further are fruitless. Your final height is that of a medium-sized ant, which still won't allow you to see around the fountain.
You could just try walking around it, of course.
>
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>Walk through FOUNTAIN
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You smack your ant-face into the base of the fountain.
>
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>Walk through FOUNTAIN
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You smack your ant-face into the base of the fountain.
>
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>Ponder why this keeps happening every time
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You think about why trying to walk through a solid object doesn't work. Your tiny ant brain can't comprehend it.
>
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>Try to remember why I'm here in the first place
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You strain your tiny ant brain trying to think of a reason, but while you're thinking, a child with a magnifying glass approaches your position...
>
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>be glad it's overcast today
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I don't recognize "GLAD"
>
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>Be REVOLVER it's overcast today
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You are now a revolver.
>
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>shoot magnifying glass
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You don't have any fingers to pull the trigger.
>
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>lie on the ground
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You say things like "The tooth fairy is real" and "My client is innocent" while resting on the ground. A cop comes by and notices you.
What do?
>
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>Subtly encourage COP through telepathy to pick you up and take you on an ADVENTURE.
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Unfortunately, said police officer is this guy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woo_Bum-kon).
>
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>assist in KILLING EVERYONE
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Everyone around you is dead. You are the only living.... revolver left. Hope you're happy.
Do what now?
>
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>Backfire on COP
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You coerce the COP to shoot himself.
>
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>Wait for eons for another gullible fool to come along and take me to another populated area
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You wait for eons, but no one comes.
Eventually the world ends up being destroyed by aliens.
BAD END
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> Continue
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Insert coin to continue. 9...
>
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>Insert chocolate coin
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The coin falls harmlessly into the return slot. 8...7...6...
>
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>Frantically search through pockets for another coin
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>You find a coin of the Mushroom Kingdom variety.
>
What will you do with it?
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>Insert coin and wait for whatever happens next
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Mario jumps out of the arcade cab and greets you with a warm friendly "Hello paisano, it's-a me, Mario!"
What will you do now?
>
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>Punch him in his filthy dago wop guinea face
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You punch Mario's precious guinea pig. It cries.
What do?
>
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>Laugh
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You cackle like a bad guy. Mario consoles his guinea pig.
It's a hollow, cold feeling.
What do?
>
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> Take Mario's place for one day.
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Mario is not having an adventure today, so you take his guinea pig on a day trip to Six Flags.
You find yourself at the park entrance. Obvious paths are PARKING LOT and PARK.
What do?
>
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>Park in PARK
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You park your kart on top of the lady in the Wonder Woman costume. "How could you, Mario?" wonders Wonder Woman.
The guinea pig is very excited to be at the theme park and wants a picture with Wonder Woman.
What do?
>
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>Apologize to guinea pig.
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The guinea pig reluctantly accepts your explanation for why he can't see Wonder Woman, only biting your hand a little bit.
The guinea pig wants to ride Kingda Ka. Do you let him?
>
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>Tell guinea pig he is not tall enough.
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The guinea pig siphons matter from another dimension and adds it to its own mass, growing larger than you.
What do?
>
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>Measure guinea pig against you must be this high thing.
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The guinea pig is tall enough to ride but not too tall. He is also tall enough to eat a small child.
What do?
>
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>Un-siphon MATTER
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I don't understand "UN-SIPHON". The guinea pig is eyeing hungrily the child ahead of him in line for Kingda Ka.
>
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>Egg the guinea pig on
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Examining the egg on which the guinea pig is standing, it appears to be an ostrich egg, fleckled with little specks throughout. It is obviously quite strong to hold the weight of a 90-pound guinea pig. You wonder what kind of an omelet it would make and start getting hungry.
Hunger is now 50%.
>
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>Steal cotton candy from nearby child
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You attempt to steal the child's cotton candy but he reveals himself to be Zangief Kid and promptly Final Atomic Busters you into oblivion.
You have died. Score: ?/?
Try again? y/n
>
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>inventory
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You open your bag. It contains a switchblade, a flashlight, a pack of Juicy Fruit gum, and somehting that looks as though it was once a sandwich.
>
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> Build shrink ray
-
You have used the supplies in your bag to build a gun that shoots psychiatrists. Shoots them out of the gun, that is. Although it could also theoretically shoot at psychiatrists.
What will you do now?
>
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>Shoot self with psychiatrist.
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The shrink psycho-analyzes you and uses lots of psycho-babble that you don't understand.
Your morale goes down by 10%.
>
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>Confess Oedipal tendencies to psychiatrist.
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Coincidentally, the psychiatrist just so happens to be your mother.
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>Make out with psychiatrist.
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I do not understand "MAKE OUT".
>
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> Kill father
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You kill the first priest you see.
What do?
>
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>Give priest a proper burial
-
You dress the priest in a fancy suit, gently place him in a coffin, drive it to the cemetery, dig a grave, then dump scavenging snails onto the corpse, strap rockets to his feet and launch him off to the moon. As is customary in your country of origin.
Now you got the rest of the weekend to yourself.
What do?
>
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>Play Thy Dungeonman
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I don't understand "Play"
DO SOMETHIG!
>
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>Look
-
It is late evening. You are in a graveyard. Around you are graves. Above you, a dead snaily priest whizzes off into space. At your feet is an open grave. There are a few ghosts over there making small talk and sipping ghost beer. You can also see the street from here. A six-foot-tall guinea pig in a lumberjack's outfit waits at a bus stop across the street.
What do?
>
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>Rehab
-
You attempt to take the guinea pig to a rehabilitation center but he's all like "I don't wanna go!"
What now?
>
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>Wail on guinea pig with you must be this high sign until he gives in.
-
You notice that with every hit he takes, the guinea pig grows a smidgen bigger.
What do?
>
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>Remind self to stop hanging out with masochist rodents
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You make a mental note but don't stop attacking. The guinea pig is steadily beginning to tower over you. "Quit iiiiiiit" he says.
What do?
>
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>Make out with guinea pig
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You can't, he's too tall and is busy being sad about you attacking him. You still haven't stopped hitting him. He's as big as Ridley now, which is TOO BIG.
What do?
>
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>Hit self until I am big enough to make out with Ridleypig
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As you hit yourself, you notice yourself growing smaller and smaller. Perhaps it has the opposite effect on humans?
-
Before you know it, you have become smaller than an atom and are now falling through everything forever.
>
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> Die
-
You can't roll a die, you're too tiny.
What do?
>
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>Asexually reproduce
-
You do that and all of the copies of you become the cells of a larger organism. It's a marvel of science, but needless to say it's really ugly.
What do?
>
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> Kill it
-
You induce the mitochondria to become active and cause the host body to catch on fire. This is now Parasite Eve.
>
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>Fly
-
You replicate more of your man-cells and sprout wings. You're like a flaming bat thing.
What do?
>
-
> Fred
-
You're like a flaming bat thing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q9hLcRU5wE4
> Fred
He's MINE I don't understand that command.
>
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>kill more people remotely with MITOCHONDRIA MITOCHONDRIA MITOCHONDRIA
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You kill the entire Libertarian Party.
>
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>kill even more people remotely with MITOCHONDRIA MITOCHONDRIA MITOCHONDRIA
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You kill the Spice Girls
>
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>KILL, KILL, KILL
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You kill the world
>
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>kill things IN SPACE
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You kill Metroid Prime.
>
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>Kill the sequels
-
You kill Shia LeBeouf instead.
>
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>KILLLLLLLLLLLL
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You earned the achievement "Killing Spree"
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>end the universe
-
Everything but you and Mitochondria ceases to exist.
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>recreate the universe in my image
-
You, the Almighty Warp, make a new universe designed to Your own liking.
It's full of weeaboo [dukar].
>
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>berate Weegee for making inaccurate jokes (seriously, not everything I like is Japanese) and also for interpreting the player input as the player rather than the character
-
I don't understand "WEEGEE"
>
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>reply with "What's not to get? He's a 4chan user named after a lame meme."
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You complain but none of the weeaboo [dukar] around you knows anything about the previous universe or 4chan or Weegee. Power is a double-edged sword.
What do?
>
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>play BioSho-wait, what, 4chan is like the most weeaboo thing ever
-
You die to the first Goombo in BioSho.
>
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> Play a different game
-
I decide to play DoDonPachi Dai-Ou-Jou Black Label because it's so incredibly Japanese. I get to the stage four boss when suddenly I decide to do something strange:
>
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>Switch to one of my many dating games.
-
I play Mario's Time Machine, an incredibly strange thing to do. It's the only game about dates I had handy, though.
>
-
>Go to 1985.
-
I go to 1985. And, as McCartney said, "no one ever left alive in 1985 will ever do." So I kill everyone.
>
-
You caused a time paradox since you killed everyone. Marty McFly didn't get to make his famous journey.
Way to go, ya big dummy.
-
It's in a video game and I'm God anyway so it doesn't matter.
>
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>I get confused as to who is speaking when because the computer keeps talking about me in the first person.
-
WarpRattler is demoted from his position as God for the sake of the game. (No hard feelings)
You are the only remaining living organism in the universe.
>
-
>say "Hold on a second. You can't demote the character in the game (who at some point became me) from being God."
-
Yes I can, go play some game I can't pronounce
SO ANYWAY now you're in an alleyway. A light rain drizzles down. You can leave the alley and check out the street or go in further. Or dig in the trash or whatever
What do?
>
-
>scream "WHAT AM I FIGHTING FOR??????"
-
You are fighting to find some scraps of food in this alleyway before you die.
>
-
>die in an incredibly creative and gruesome manner
-
A passing genie with bad hearing grants you immortality. Seriously quit dying man and play the god[darn] game
What do?
>
-
>Beat up a kid and steal his food.
-
While pondering how a genie could pass by and grant immortality if nothing except you remains alive, a baby goat holding a footlong sub sandwich in its mouth passes by you. You beat it up and steal its sandwich, devouring it greedily.
>
-
>Apologize to the goat, who was already dead.
-
You apologize for beating a dead goat, but your apology has little feeling, since the goat is dead and also that sandwich was delicious.
>
-
>Digest the sandwich.
-
You sit around reading old newspapers for a few hours while the sandwich digests.
>
-
>Go swimming
-
You find a deserted indoor swimming pool and go for a swim. It's rather dull with no one else around, though.
>
-
>Cure AIDS.
-
You already did that when you killed every other living being!
>
-
>Cure death
-
Since you're the only living being left, that genie already did that for you.
>
-
>Cure death for those who are already dead
-
You can't cure death. It's terminal.
>
-
>(thatsthejoke)
-
(it'snotfunny)
>
-
>Remind SELF to never get a job as a comedian
-
You don't know why you would have gotten a job as a comedian anyway, not that such a thing would be possible with no one else left alive in the universe. You also can't comprehend why the player thinks you're him.
>
-
> Commit Suicide
-
You can't. You're immortal. Blame BP.
>
-
>Blame BP
-
You blame BP. You feel like it's 2010 again.
>
-
>Walk the dinosaur.
-
You open the door, get on the floor and walk the dinosaur. You feel like it's 1988 again.
>
-
>Meet you in a haze while painting buffalo.
-
I don't understand "meet." You're the only living being left, remember?
>
-
>Asexually reproduce.
-
You attempt to asexually reproduce, but you just end up making masses of cancerous cells.
>
-
>Cure cancer.
-
You make the cells stop reproducing. It's not exactly a "cure," more of a toggle switch, but it'll do.
>
-
> Grow a beard and proceed to walk the Earth looking for a way to either escape the planet or repopulate it.
-
You walk for years and years, and find a spaceship that looks like it could be repaired, but you never manage to grow more than a few scraggly hairs on your chin and neck.
>
-
>Embark on an ultimately futile (http://themushroomkingdom.net/board/index.php?topic=13659.msg590604#msg590604) quest to find life.
-
Same old story, same old song and dance.
You also suddenly sprout a manly beard in the process.
>
-
> Gain combat abilities utilizing beard
-
You decide to train in the facial hair-based martial arts. Eventually (though stretches of time feel like nothing to your immortal self) you achieve ultimate mastery of the art.
>
-
>Give self a new name: Chuck Norris.
-
No
>
-
EDIT: Nevermind.
People Warp are is just going to complain about it.
-
I don't understand "edit."
>
-
> Rename self Bobobo instead
-
But you only fight with your beard!
>
-
> Beardgrapple the moon
-
You use your awesome beard skills to grab the moon.
What will you do with it now?
>
-
> Beardslingshot through space using planets and satellites as pivots and search for life
-
You fling yourself through space using your manly beard, but you already know that no matter how long you look you won't find any life. You killed everything else, after all.
>
-
> Search for a wormhole to another universe where life still exists.
-
WORMHOLES DO NOT WORK THAT WAY!
>
-
>Use beard-fu to threaten the nearest wormhole into making an exception
-
BEARD MARTIAL ARTS DO NOT WORK THAT WAY EITHER!
>
-
> Search for SOME sort of trans-dimensional portal so I can get the heck out of this lifeless universe
-
The only thing you can find is a dimensional portal to the world of sexy naked ladies, but it's out of order. It was supposed to be repaired ages ago, but because someone had to go and kill the only person who knew how it worked or how to fix it...
>
-
However, after yet more searching, you locate a functional dimensional portal to the world of ugly naked men. No Weegee jokes allowed.
>
-
I don't understand "however."
>
-
>ENTER PORTAL TO WORLD OF UGLY NAKED MEN, GOD [darnit]
-
THERE IS NO SUCH PORTAL.
>
-
>Do somehting to make the story progress because having every proposal get vetoed by the narrator is getting rather stale
-
You find the world of magical living revolvers who have the innocent personalities of children. They look at you curiously.
What do?
>
-
> Adopt a revolver as a pet
-
You adopt a pet revolver. You go on many adventures crossing several years, but even in the world of magical living revolvers, most of them are boring due to your immortality.
>
-
>w
-
You name the revolver W. It's a silly name pronounced Oo~oo.
What doo~oo?
>
-
>Spin revolver on finger.
-
You spin the revolver on your finger. It gets dizzy.
>
-
> Buy W an ice cream
-
You buy ice cream for you and W. It likes mint chocolate chip.
>
-
>Wonder how a firearm can eat ice cream
-
As an immortal superbeing, you tend not to wonder such things.
>
-
>Put cat ears on W to make him (her? it?) match the rest of the weeaboo universe
-
Warp died in the last game. Along with the weeaboo [dukar]. Amaterasu rest their souls.
But you do that anyway. W gets all excited and silly, blissfully unaware to the fact that the deceased population of the previous world used to get off to this kind of thing.
What do?
>
-
>remove the cat ears, they look silly and make W look completely harmless
-
W looks slightly dejected but still perfectly understanding as to why you did that.
What next?
>
-
>hunt for another portal
-
You find the portal to the world of ugly naked men, which does in fact exist.
>
-
>Shoot them with W.
-
You start shooting them, but it turns out W's bullets just make them not be ugly and also be clothed.
The handsome clothed men throw a huge banquet for you and W in celebration.
Which food would you like to try first?
>
-
> The fudgesicles
-
They are delicious and fudgetastic.
What next?
>
-
>The sausages
-
Also delicious, though W isn't fond of their spiciness.
>
-
> Thank the handsome clothed men for their hospitality.
-
They turn on you, baring their fangs. And the rest of them. Apparently thanking people is a taboo in their culture.
They are approaching you holding knives. And naked. Though still handsome.
>
-
>Try shooting them with W again
-
You shoot them again, but they just become more handsome and...more clothed. Inspiration strikes, and you shoot them until they are so beautiful and so heavily-clothed that they pass out from the heat of wearing ten layers of clothing while admiring one another.
>
-
>Rummage through their clothing for loot.
-
You find what looks like a Sonic Screwdriver.
You find more sausages (no, not that kind, you pervert).
>
-
>i
-
You are carrying:
-W, the magical revolver
-a cat-ear headband
-a device that may or may not be a sonic screwdriver
-some delicious sausages
-no tea
>
-
>Search the banquet hall for a decent cup of tea
-
You find no tea. And you suspect that, no matter how many dimensions you visit, you will never find any tea.
Good thing you're not British.
>
-
> Talk at W
-
I'm not writing dialogue for you. What would you like to say at W?
>
-
> "Where do you think the next portal is?"
-
W points. That way. ->
>
-
>Go that way.
-
You go That Way. ->
You keep going That Way. -> until you reach a cluster of portals. From the outside, the only one you can see through appears to lead back to the barren universe you came from. You mentally number that one "1" and continue to number the rest.
What now?
>
-
>Let W decide which portal to enter
-
W is still pointing That Way. -> and isn't going to be particularly helpful for this.
>
-
>Go into the portal that is That Way.
-
I don't understand "That Way." There's "That Way. ->," but no "That Way." And there isn't a portal That Way. -> either. They're all in front of you.
>
-
>Spin W around until he's pointing at a portal.
-
You spin W around on your finger. When it stops you see it pointing at portal number four.
>
-
>Shoot a bullet into Portal #4, then enter it
-
The bullet flies through the portal. You don't see where it goes.
And then you step through the portal and do see where it went. It hit a wall and ricocheted. And hit you in the face. You're now extra-handsome and wearing another layer of snappy clothes.
Which you quickly realize is for the better, as looking around, you see that you are in a frozen wasteland, minus the "wasteland" part. You see children playing, people eating lunch together, and other things that would have been normal on your own Earth, except for the permafrost.
>
-
>Steal some lunch.
-
You decide to be a dick and steal someone's picnic lunch, even though you have food with you.
Except there isn't any lunch left to steal. Everyone ate it all.
And people in this world don't eat dinner, so you'll have to wait until tomorrow at breakfast to steal some food.
>
-
>Ask the nearest person where I am
inb4 "Canada"
-
You ask someone where you are. Unsurprisingly, the response is "Earth."
>
-
>Buy some buffalo wings.
-
In this world, buffalo wings come from actual buffalo and are therefore quite large. You are asked whether you would like your wing mild, medium, hot, suicide or genocide.
>
-
> Mild--W doesn't like spicy food
-
You order some mild buffalo wings. They're delicious, but incredibly difficult to eat the way you would eat the wings you're used to, and you eventually resort to using a fork and knife; looking around, most people in this world do the same, so it's not too weird.
>
-
>Offer some to W.
-
W uses her magic telekinesis or whatever to eat ten wings. Revolvers are capable of eating much more than you'd expect. "Mmmmm what's there to drink, [player]" says W.
What do?
>
-
>Ask for drink menu.
-
The drink menu is rather short:
-Dr Pepper
-cherry limeade
>
-
> Order them both and mix them: Cherry Dr. Pepper
-
The fusion of the two drinks causes a violent chemical reaction. You are thrown back by the powerful explosion, but sustain only minor burns. W, however, isn't so lucky. Your trusty revolver companion shielded you from the brunt of the blast, and has been severely injured as a result.
>
-
>raise hands toward the heavens and scream "WHAT AM I FIGHTING FORRRRRRRR?"
-
I don't understand "weeaboo"
>
-
>Be all like, "Oh snap, *****! You just got burned... again!"
-
W chuckles. Laughter is the best medicine! She heals a little.
What do?
>
-
>Tell a joke
-
You tell a joke about a rabbi and a clown walking into a bar, but you stumble on the punchline. W does not laugh. She's dying! Gotta be funnier!
>
-
>Kiss W.
-
Like with all children, a parental kiss makes her get over it.
What do?
>
-
>Get revenge.
-
You kick over the beverages that caused this and they BLOW UP!! Buffalo Wingaling, the stand you've been at the entire time, is no more.
What do?
>
-
>Seek new form of sustenance
-
You go buy some donuts.
>
-
>Ask W if she wants a doughnut.
-
W fires off three shots, code for "Hell yeah I want a donut!"
>
-
> Give W one of those foot-shaped maple donuts I so fondly remember existing at least in the '90s
-
You give W an awesome donut. She appreciates it.
Which of your breakfast pastries will you eat first: the apple fritter, the cheese danish, or the cinnamon roll?
>
-
>Eat Cinnamon Roll
-
You eat the cinnamon roll. It's delicious. It's also very large, and you quickly realize you're not going to be able to eat most of it.
What will you do with the leftovers?
>
-
> Offer to W
-
W declines, as she's struggling with her foot-shaped, Bigfoot-sized maple donut.
>
-
> Save leftovers for later.
-
You hold onto the leftovers. They restore some of your HP each turn.
>
-
>status
-
HP: ∞
Well, you don't really have any other stats. This isn't that sort of game.
You're not hungry.
To check your inventory enter "i" or "inventory."
>
-
>eye
-
You poke yourself in the eye. It hurts.
>
-
>Levelgrind against some Pidgeys and Chocobos.
-
Those don't exist in this dimension.
>
-
>Create them.
-
You genetically engineer Pidgeys and Chocobos, and begin to grind against them.
You are arrested for sexual harassment shortly thereafter.
>
-
>use my crazy cell-reproduction powers to create enough cancerous cells to break open the jail cell
-
All the guards slowly die of cancer over the next seventeen years. I hope you're happy.
W is now a grown woman. You missed her wedding. Her three daughters (ages 12, 9, and 4) have a vague idea of who Grampa [your name] is, but have seen him only in outdated pictures.
Also there are flying cars now. Nobody uses them, though, as they are and always will be wildly impractical.
>
-
> Reminisce with W about my adventures
-
"What adventures? You were in prison for seventeen years!"
W learned to speak English while you were gone, apparently.
>
-
>Feel guilty and apologize to W about not being there for her.
-
W accepts your apology and decides to show you what she's been up to those past 17 years. Apparently she made it off to Living Revolver College of Sciences and is currently a biochemistry major. You feel very proud of W and how far she's come.
What now?
>
-
>Give W's kids some half-dollars and butterscotch candies.
-
The youngest one is allergic to butterscotch. W's husband, a rifle, beats the [dukar] out of you.
>
-
> Concede my mistake, but point out his--I wasn't warned about this allergy
-
"Just kidding!" the youngest says, recovering instantly. "Guns can't be allergic to things!"
"W told me about your immortality and crazy genetic powers, so we figured we'd play a prank on you," W's husband says.
>
-
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qkG0l3syMvQ
-
I don't understand "qkG0l3syMvQ."
>
-
>Eat the sausages I've had in my inventory for the past seventeen years.
-
You may be immortal, but you are far from immune to food poisoning. You double over in pain, your stomach gurgling. W and her family look concerned.
>
-
>say "JUST KIDDING!" and use my crazy genetic powers to heal myself instantly
-
You cannot even gurgle a "just" through the pain. You also find it hard to concentrate on using your crazy genetic powers.
-
> Try to walk, like to a doctor or somewhere you can rest
-
You walk to Doctor Mario's office, but he is dead. All his medical instruments are still there, though.
>
-
>Play the medical piano that's sitting in the corner
-
The medical piano is alive, and tries to bite you.
QUICK TIME EVENT! PRESS X TO DODGE
>
-
>walk out of the office nonchalantly
-
You walk out looking cool as ice. The piano looks simultaneously jealous and disappointed that it didn't get to show off its might.
You also diarrhea yourself once you get out the door because of the abdominal distress. That's the price for looking cool.
What do?
>
-
>change pants
-
You take some change out of your pockets. There is a total of twenty-eight cents, which you add to your inventory.
>
-
>Buy some peptic bismuth.
-
You walk to the Ye Olde Apothecary and purchase a flask of the fabled pink elixir known as peptic bismuth. It's just like brand-name stuff, but costs half as much. Both your stomach and your wallet are relieved.
>
-
>Purchase clean raiments at the haberdasher's.
-
You buy a hat.
>
-
>Adorn self with hat as it were pantaloons.
-
You kick holes in the hat and wear it on your lower body. It looks like what a man in the 1950s might have imagined future underwear to look like.
>
-
>Stroll.
-
You take a walk through the city and come to the S bridge. As you try to cross it you meet the S troll who lives beneath it. He has brittle yellow teeth, pale skin, tattered rags for clothes and a blue baseball cap with a design made to look like Captain America's shield on it.
"Ohohohohoho" says the S troll. "Out on a stroll, are you?"
What do?
>
-
Respond, "Yea verily."
-
The S troll has no class and doesn't know what that means. "Whatchu say, fancy pants?"
What do?
>
-
>Assault his reproductive organs with my patella.
-
You knee him in the crotch, but he does not react. Perhaps his species keeps its gonads somewhere else?
>
-
>Sink to his level
-
You throw a sink at his character sheet. He was level 12 when his game left off and had some nice equipment to boot.
"Nooo! Now how will I play DnD with the T, P and O trolls on Thursday? You're going to PAY, human!!" snarls the S troll.
He's real mad now.
What do?
>
-
>Grin and ask, "You mad brah?"
-
He shows you his bra.
>
-
> Show him my bra
-
You're not wearing a bra, you cheeky little flirt.
>
-
>Ask the troll what he's doing tonight
-
S troll says, "KICKIN YOUR ASS!!!"
You hear a booming voice, "ROUND ONE. FIGHT!"
What do?
>
-
>TATSUMAKIZANKUUKYAKU
-
You spam purple electric hurricane kicks. [darn] are those broken.
"Dang!" is the S troll's defeat cry. He falls to the ground.
What do?
>
-
>Steal his shoes.
-
You steal his shoes and wear them on your head.
>
-
> Your defense and special defense went up by 10 apiece, but you became confused.
-
I don't understand "your."
>
-
> Find a new enemy to battle.
-
You walk right past a tall bespectacled man in a striped shirt and target the Most Adorable Girl Scout.
"Hi mister! Would you like to buy some cookies? We're doing a special fundraiser to help fight all the cancer!"
What do?
>
-
>tell her I'll buy some cookies after my match, because I was going to go ahead and enter the Alternate Earth King of Fighters tournament taking place behind her
-
"...Later...?
"LATER????
"IF YOU HAD CANCER AND WERE DYING OF IT RIGHT NOW, WOULD YOU LIKE IT TO BE CURED LATERRRR!!!!!!??????????!!???"
She channels an earth-rending demonic voice as she transforms into a friggin' huge dragon. Clearly you disappointed her. She wants to fight now.
What do?
>
-
>Buy some cookies now
-
Wanting to get to your actual fight, you pull out some money and tell her you'll buy some cookies now. She instantly reverts to her harmless human form, accepts your money, and gives you a delicious box of Caramel deLites.
You continue forward to enter the competition. Your first opponent is Gene from God Hand.
You hear several voices announcing the beginning of the match. "HEAVEN OR HELL. LIVE AND LET DIE. THE WHEEL OF FATE IS TURNING. ROUND ONE. GO FOR BROKE! FIGHT!"
>
-
>Offer Gene a Caramel deLite
-
I should pay attention to how many pages are in this topic before I post.
-
He eats it and now his teeth are all stuck together.
>
-
>Punch him in the teeth in a good-natured effort to un-stick them
-
Your hand goes all the way through his skull. His teeth are unstuck. So is his blood-brain barrier.
>
-
> Mash the buttons hoping a hyper combo happens
-
By sheer luck, you perform a button combo that miraculously reconstructs Gene's skull.
>
-
>GET skull
-
You rip his skull out of his head. You fail to keep the brain intact, however.
>
-
>puke
-
Nothin' left to do that with. That old sausage cleared you right out. Maybe after this is over (it pretty much seems to be, though you wonder how Gene was depowered from demi-god to sunrot scarecrow) you can take on that dragon girl scout for all her cookies.
What do?
>
-
>So.... I'm still a computer right?
-
Quit wasting time!
Gene has unlimited continues and needs every last one of them. He gets back on his feet and prepares to Dragon Kick your ass into the milky way (milky way).
What do?
-
>Run
-
You can't run from a
trainer battle tournament!
>
-
>Run SETUP.EXE
-
SETUP.EXE appears, and it runs.
>
-
>Catch it
-
You catch the SETUPs. Very contagious. You need bed rest NOW.
What do?
>
-
>z
-
Slepp Successful, what do now?
-
>Spread my disease to my enemies.
-
The disease is spread to your enemies, but they use a shield to reflect it and it hits Deezer instead.
Well?
>
-
> Summon Like Likes from Zeldaland
-
Two hundred and seventy-three Like Likes appear. They quickly dispatch all of your enemies, as you only had four enemies in the world (Alanis Morrissette, Zombie Bin Laden, J.J., and a kangaroo named Squirpy). Two hundred and sixty-nine of them are still very hungry. They turn in your direction and stare you down with their lack of eyes.
Deezer's SETUPs are doing a number on his joints. He has to lay down for a while. His status is critical.
>
-
> Put poor Deezer out of his suffering
-
You give Deezer a Tylenol.
>
-
> Walk until I find a short gap, jump it, and watch the Like Likes fall in
-
This works for a time; however, the gap is so shallow that by the time twenty-seven of the Like Likes have fallen in, the other two hundred and forty-two are able to slither across on them. They remain in hot pursuit of you. (Four others remain on the other side, satisfied from eating your enemies' shields)
>
-
>do a victory dance!
-
You do. Everyone (Like Likes included) looks at you like "what a tool."
What do?
>
-
>Use my toolish nature to construct a bridge
-
You build the most elaborate bridge. It goes from Earth to the moon! It can rotate around the planet in compliance with the moon's orbit cycle or whatever they call it. It even has side roads for pedestrians.
What do?
>
-
> Name the bridge "Rainbow Road"
-
You name it Rainbow Road although it's not rainbow colored. Strange characters in go-karts start a race and run over some pedestrians in the process.
>
-
> don my spacesuit and lead the Like Likes TO THE MOOOOOOON
-
You cross the bridge TO THE MOON! Like Likes are so slow that this takes several minutes. You must also be careful not to let them eat your space suit, as they totally would, because it's just a rental and those things cost a lot.
You make it TO THE MOON!! There is no X-Naut base there. There is no sound studio there. But now there are Like Likes there. You wonder if Like Likes even need to breathe. You also wonder how you will get them to stay here while you make your escape.
What do?
>
-
> burn down bridge
-
You burn down the bridge. Everyone who was driving on it falls off into the emptiness of space. And now you're trapped on THE MOON with 242 Like Likes, all wanting to devour you. Smooth move.
>
-
> Civilize the like likes
-
The Like Likes now want to daintily consume you with proper eating utensils.
>
-
> Summon a hundred Fist Spirits to kill the Like Likes, as civility is getting me nowhere
-
ATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA!
The Like Likes are already dead.
Their task complete, the Fist Spirits dissipate.
You run around and gather up the loot drops. You're still trapped on the moon, but you now have full hearts and about 300 Rupees.
>
-
>Breathe
-
You breathe with no difficulty, as you have been this whole time. Space suits rock.
>
-
> Jump to Earth
-
No matter how hard you try, you cannot muster up enough strength to jump and propel yourself back to Earth.
>
-
> Muster MORE
-
You jump to Earth. You're gettin' there. You pass through the clouds. The fall damage is gonna be wicked if you don't do something.
What do?
>
-
> Activate double-jump immediately before impact
-
You double-jump immediately before impact. Your knees have now puntured your large intestine.
>
-
> Ground Pound
-
You safely land, if you consider shattering your pelvis to dust and catching on fire safe. You slowly develope third degree burns all over your body. You lost 100 rupees too.
›
-
> Look for a docter
-
You find a medical professional but it's her day off. She's with her family at the aquarium. Her two children are poking at a sea cucumber while she takes pictures.
What do?
>
-
medical professional
her
>Use medikit
-
Your medikit is also female. Continue?
>
-
> Yeah
-
Your health is restored. The medikit then runs off, crying "I FEEL SO USED!"
>
-
> Travel to candy mountain.
-
You flag down a taxi.
"Where to" mumbles the driver in a groggy voice.
"CANDY MOUNTAIN, BABY," you say.
He takes you to Candy Mountain, where the hand-outs grow on bushes and you sleep out every night. The goats have peppermint horns and the birds crap pop rocks. It's a magical place.
What do?
>
-
>Eat pop rocks
-
You see an elder walking out of a small shack near the base of a steep, winding mountain trail.
He slowly hobbles his way toward you, angrily yelling in a foreign tongue.
You see a broken bottle in his sweat-ridden crack hand.
What combination of words will be used to describe your next action?
>
-
> Pop pop!
-
You throw firecrakers at the old man. He runs off. He drops his broken bottle on the ground.
›
-
>Examine bottle.
-
The bottle's lable is worn, but you can make out the words, Friendly Fred's Brewery.
>
-
>Look up Friendly Fred's Brewery on Google Maps.
-
You find that the brewery is in Winchester, Idaho. Thanks, Google Maps!
›
-
>i
-
You look in your inventory.
- leftovers of a cinnamon bun
- a pair of cat ears
- labtop of some sort
- a copy of Link's Awakening
- Map
- an empty Rupee bag
- toolish nature
- a burnt space suit
- still no tea.
›
-
>look map
-
You take a pen and mark the location of the brewery. You would ask the old man, but he's long gone. Like, 500 miles away, or something.
>
-
>Wear cat ears
-
You wear the cat ears, fondly remembering the times you had with W. Ah, good times.
›
-
›Examine ground
-
Yep, it's ground.
>
-
>Look for footprints
-
You look all around, look up, look down. Suddenly you hear rustling in the nearby bushes. Sure enough, you peek inside and find Footprints, everyone's favorite funny elephant hobo man.
"Allo mate," says Footprints, "Wot yew got theyah?"
What do?
>
-
> tell him what I got heyah
-
You show Footprints your inventory.
- leftovers of a cinnamon bun
- a pair of cat ears
- labtop of some sort
- a copy of Link's Awakening
- a pumpkin wired to what appears to be a digital countdown similar to those seen on time bombs in movies. You don't remember picking this up.
- Map
- an empty Rupee bag
- toolish nature
- a burnt space suit
- still no tea.
He seems interested in the pumpkin! "Eyo dere [player], you got a bone ta pick with li'l ol' me??" His accent is slipping.
What do?
>
-
>Play Link's Awakening.
-
Since you do not have a Game Boy, you and Footprints toss the cartridge back and forth for a while. After a while, Footprints's slippery hands get the better of him, and the cartridge slips through his fingers and falls to the ground.
-
> look pumpkin
-
The pumpkin is quite round and smooth. It looks as though it would feel rather soothing if rubbed against your body.
-
> eat pumpkin
-
The pumpkin is too large to fit into your mouth in a single bite. You don't know where to start.
>
-
>Eat in two bites
-
You have acquired a STOMACHACHE.
>
-
> Complain
-
Footprints hits you over the head with the Link's Awakening Cartridge and tells you to stop whining. The cartridge conveniently falls back in your pocket. (Yay! :D)
>
-
> Award Footprints ten million points
-
Don't know what "reward" means. (Didn't hear that in a while, did ya?)
>
-
> That's nice, game, but I didn't say that. Now do it.
-
I don't understand "that's."
>
-
> That is very nice.
-
I don't understand "that."
>
-
>debug load cmds disk B
-
Look, just walk to the left and you can proceed.
(Numbskull.)
>
-
> Give ten million points Footprints
-
You give Footprints to ten million points. They appreciate it, but are having difficulty dividing him up equally.
>
-
>Give STOMACHACHE to ten million points.
-
You aren't holding that!
>
-
>debug give STOMACHACHE 1
-
STOMACHACHE DENIED
-
> Summon gargoyles
-
Gargoyles were not summoned because golems are better.
-
>i
-
You have begun to recite the ancient incantation which summons Goerge Costanza. Seven letters remain.
>
-
> L
-
You have entered an incorrect letter. The summoning has been cancelled.
>
-
> [darnit]!
-
There are no valid [darn]ing targets here.
>
-
> find money
-
I don't understand "find."
>
-
›grab money
-
There's no money here to grab.
>
-
walk into cave
-
There is no cave in your vicinity, or anywhere within a hundred miles of your current position.
The ten million points are still fighting over Footprints while you try to do stupid impossible things.
>
-
>TALK to POINT #4,953,203 about FOOTPRINTS
-
Points can't talk, silly. They're points.
>
-
> Stab Footprints with point # 4,953,203.
-
You can't pick that up.
>
-
>dig cave
-
Can you dig it?
Unfortunately, the answer is no.
>
-
>punch tree
-
You break several bones in your hand, along with your wrist. Your screams of pain distract the points from their negotiations.
>
-
> sue points for all they're worth.
-
You sue them for ten million points. That's all they're worth.
Score goes up from 0 to 10,000,000. Now you're getting somewhere!
What do?
>
-
Invest in Waleth-Market stocks with newly obtained points.
-
A S9W robot draws near!
Command?
>
-
>
look
down
-
The robot has a heart attack, explodes, dies, gets hit by a truck, falls into a canyon and is never seen again. You did watch it fall, though!
To give you an update, you have ten million points and Footprints is looking confused. Pretty normal for him.
What do?
>
-
>ask Footprints if he would like some points
-
Footprints fainted due to being tramutized by the experience with the points.
>
-
>search Footprints
-
You are now holding FOOTPRINTS' CLOTHES.
>
-
>ew
-
You puke all over Footprints' clothes. That's his only outfit, you know.
"Eh, well. Worse has happened to 'em!" says Footprints.
What do?
>
-
>Tell Footprints to put some clothes on for Petey Piranha's sake.
-
"Well okey, bahy, give 'em here!"
What do?
>
-
>Give BURNT SPACE SUIT to FOOTPRINTS.
-
Footprints equips the burnt space suit and goes to space.
"I'll sends ya some postcards yeah!" You wonder if maybe he came from space.
Lonely again.
What do?
>
-
>Pick up LINK'S AWAKENING CARTRIDGE before the snoods get to it.
-
>The cartridge is in your hand now, but the snoods are still coming after it.
What do you do?
-
>Scatter LEFTOVERS OF CINNAMON BUN on ground
-
But nothing happened!
What do?
-
>Use TOOLISH NATURE on the snoods.
-
Defense increased!
What do?
-
>Attack the snoods
-
It's super effective!!
-
>say "This isn't Pokemon, dagnabbit!" to no one in paticular.
-
Nowan Inparticular, an anthropomorphic lagomorph, pops his head out of a nearby gopher hole and says "Gen 1 was better!"
>
-
>Get ye Nowan Inparticular
-
1 of Nowan Inparticular has been added to your inventory.
-
Use Nowan Inparticular on the snoods.
-
The game breaks.
-
^ No. Don't do that again.
Use Nowan Inparticular on the snoods.
Thy Snoods are baffled by the mere name of Nowan Inparticular and proceed to ask the Snood Guru about the nature of this person/thing (though such a practice is questionable as the Snood Guru doesn't spell very well, including the word 'Snood').
Obvious exists are NORTH, SOUTH and CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT.
What wilst thou deau?
>
-
>Deau Christopher Lambert
-
Sadly yon CHRISTOPHER LAMBERT says he doesn't swing that way but admits that you still have dungeoncharm.
What now?
>
-
> Dramaticly stare off into thy distance.
-
You ponder why you are here.
What do?
-
> Visit W.
-
W is dead.
What do?
-
> No she's not, guns can't die!
-
You brought up a good point, [player name here], but you don't seem to remember where she lives.
You now have 100,000,001 points.
>
-
> Look up W's address.
-
She's not listed anywhere.
>
-
>Shout "HEY W!!!"
-
W comes to you.
What do?