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Miscellaneous => Fan Creations => Topic started by: Captain Jim on January 09, 2009, 11:10:47 PM

Title: Jim Writes Stuff
Post by: Captain Jim on January 09, 2009, 11:10:47 PM
In my new English class, we had to write a Native American-style creation story, explaining the origin of man. Here is my story.


One day, the Great Spirit looked upon the barren Earth and frowned a mighty frown.  He was growing bored of the Earth being so…very….empty. So, he sat in is big, comfy, spirit chair and thought. And thought. And thought. Eventually, as he was nearing sleep, he had an idea.
“I will create ANIMALS!” he shouted, his booming voice echoing throughout the world, so everyone could hear. Except they couldn’t, because they didn’t yet exist. But the Great Spirit would soon fix that dilemma. He rode his cloud escalator down to the vacant Earth. Then, waving his arms, he let out a mighty
“EEKUM BOKUM!”
With these mighty magic words, the dirt clods around him started forming into strange and wondrous creatures: the prickly and obnoxious Hedgehog, the long and humble Dachshund, the small and noble Termites, the strange and very confused  Platypus, and the aquatic and non-mobile Sea Anemone. All of the creatures looked around, awed at their new life (except for the anemone, who shriveled up due to the lack of water on the barren planet, but don’t worry, the Great Spirit fixed that quickly) and asked the Great Spirit what their purpose was. The Great Spirit said with great wisdom:
“…I dunno. Animal things, I guess. See ya.”
And thus, the Great Spirit rode his escalator back to the heavens, leaving the animals alone. After five ticks of the Great Eternal Clock, the animals began to argue, trying to figure who should be their leader.
“It should be me!” said the Hedgehog ,“Because you’re too slow!”
“As if!” growled the Dachshund, “I should be the leader, because I’m the most humble!”
“No!”  the Termites yelled collectively ,“We should rule, we’re the most productive!”
“Glub!” bubbled the Anemone, “Glubba bubble bloop!”
The Platypus was just lost.
The arguments between the animals grew violent, until the Great Spirit appeared, extremely displeased.
“I am extremely displeased.” The Great Spirit growled. “I created you all to co-exist peacefully, and this happens? That’s it, none of you shall rule!”
“But, then who will lead us?” asked the animals.
“I shall create Man.”  The Great Spirit. “EEKUM BOKUM!”  he shouted again, and Man was formed out of clay.  And Man stood there, with a blank grin….unblinking. Kinda creepy.
“Wooooah! What’s wrong with it?!” asked the hedgehog. The Great Spirit stared at the Man for a while, then sighed.
“Oh, right. I forgot to give him a personality.” The Great Spirit said, scooting slowly away from the unblinking Man. “But how do I decide what kind of personality to give him?”
After a few really, really stupid ideas involving jam eating contests and the Macarena, The Great Spirit finally decided on a race. He set the starting line at their current position, and set the finish line at the base of the big mountain.  All the animals got ready to start…
“On your mark….” Started the Great Spirit, “Get set….GO!”
The Hedgehog, being the fastest, took off immediately. Unfortunately, he tripped on the long, low-to-the-ground body of the Dachshund, and he slid along the ground, destroying the elaborate racing machine constructed by the Termites. The remains of the racing machine, the “Speedy Woodcutter”, fell into the ocean, polluting the water of the Sea Anemone, who began coughing violently.
The Platypus said “Derp.”
The Great Spirt sighed and shook his head. The race was a terrible, terrible disaster. “Forget it!” he shouted, and he raised his arms, once again chanting “EEKUM BOKUM!” and four more Men rose from the clay. The Great Spirit gave each one a different personality: One got the obnoxious personality of the Hedgehog, another, the humbleness of the Dachshund,  and another got the hardworking personality of the Termites. The next got the slothfulness Sea Anemone, only moving to eat whatever came in reach. And the last one got the pure cluelessness of the Platypus, not really understanding anything. And that’s how people came to be.

Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: Lizard Dude on January 10, 2009, 11:29:01 AM
That was the best thread title I'd ever seen until I read the story explaining it.

Good story, best part was you're too slow!
Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: Turtlekid1 on January 10, 2009, 09:43:01 PM
I love it when I know what's in the spoiler tags before reading them.

I enjoyed the story; it had some nice touches of humor.  I'm not sure your english teacher will like that, though...
Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: Captain Jim on January 10, 2009, 10:19:05 PM
Actually, I got a 100%, and my Teacher said "Now I know where my obnoxiousness comes from!"
Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: Luigalaxy on January 11, 2009, 07:41:11 AM
I laughed at certain points. Great story. I'm like the Platypus, just plain lost.
Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: ShadowBrain on January 11, 2009, 08:47:08 AM
Yeah, great story. Don't take this the wrong way, but is it based on another creation story or (like the animals) created from the ground up? (of course, all creation stories are similar to eachother, but you know what I mean.)

Also, dachshund 4 Life.
Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: Captain Jim on January 11, 2009, 05:25:34 PM
Well, this had elements of other Native American creation stories, since we had been reading several in preparation of writing it. It's not based off of any one story.
Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: Captain Jim on January 14, 2009, 11:16:39 PM
Another story. This one's darker (and shorter), but I'm still fond of it. We had to write about ourselves partaking in the witch trials of Salem. I chose the role of an accused.  Just thought I'd share this story. Also, note that it uses the word "Hell", but it's in the literal sense, so I do not consider it profanity.

-----------

Hell.

That’s what this is. This is no longer a town…it’s a realm of Lucifer himself. Not the witches, if there even are any…but the normal, everyday people. The butcher down the street. The bartender. The small family next door. People like this, condemning their neighbors to death, making up stories to send them to their demise. I used to be one. I used to be part of the hysteria.

Until they accused me.

They stated that they saw my specter, flying through the night, tormenting innocent, girls, choking them with chains of fire. They said they saw me outside of town, talking to a beast with twisted horns, and eyes of fire. They said my eyes sometimes flickered with hellfire, and I should be returned to Hell. They said I was a Witch.
My trial was two days ago. As I sat on that horrid bench, the prosecutor kept insisting that I had been practicing witchcraft, black magic, and preying on the souls of the children in the city. My neighbors, my friends, began to chime in.

“He has a collection of human body parts in his cellar, for his magic spells! He said that if I ever told anyone, his specter would come and drag me to Satan’s realm!”

Lies and fabrications continued to flood the court room, from people who I thought were my friends…I was heartbroken. I looked out with tear-filled eyes, as people I had known forever turned away from me. At this point, I would rather be a witch than a normal man. I was jostled out of my musings by the voice of the Judge.
“How do you plead?” he said. I could tell in his voice that he had already made up his mind.
“…I am not a witch.” I replied, my voice weak. I would not lie. I would not feed their fantasies. But the result was inevitable.

“Guilty.”

And here I stand….my supposed cohorts dangling around me, my turn next. The rope tightens around my neck as I stand on the floor that will soon give way, and, in spite of the situation…I smile slightly. A quiet, cold laugh escapes my lips. These fools think they’re sending me to Hell….but the truth is…

They’re freeing me from it.
Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: BP on January 15, 2009, 02:25:53 AM
Got a little Hawthorne in you?
Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: Turtlekid1 on January 15, 2009, 10:06:49 AM
Nah... more like Elizabeth George Speare. ;)
Seriously, though, I thought the same thing when I read that.
Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: Luigalaxy on January 25, 2009, 06:11:46 PM
Wow... that was deep.
Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: Koopaslaya on January 25, 2009, 06:20:24 PM
Native Americans wouldn't have known about platypuses.

I'd've given this a C- just for that.
Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: Luigalaxy on January 25, 2009, 06:24:54 PM
Koopaslaya just became a teacher.
Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: FlamingBlueMario on January 25, 2009, 07:26:25 PM
I read the Eekum Bokum story and it was funny here and there. And the story where you play the accused one was very good. 
Title: Oompa Loompa Immigration
Post by: Captain Jim on March 27, 2009, 02:37:55 AM
In History, I had to write an essay about a group of people leaving their home land for America.

...it never said they had to be real people.


It was early in the morning in Loompa Land when PaPa came to get us and tell us we were going to America. We had to leave because there was no work to be found for undersized chocolate makers. We hated to leave Granny and Gramps behind, but they were just too feeble to make the journey.
   We got on a boat of felled candy canes. The trip was horrifying. The ocean churned more than a tub of…,well, say chocolate. The more it churned, the more it wore away the candy canes. There was many a day we thought we wouldn’t make it. If not for the sails made of fruit roll-ups we would have been doomed like a candy bar left in the sun.
   When we arrived at Ellis Island, it was exciting. Never have we seen such a mass of so many inedible things in one place. The people often looked down on us (we are very short), but were generally kind despite our orange skin and green hair. After several hours, tests, physical exams, and contests of street fighting, we got out papers and boarded a ferry for the city.
      We were all very skilled in candy making. Father was especially good at choclateering. And in such a sad, sad world as this, candy men were needed to take the sunshine and sprinkle it with dew, cover it with toffee and a miracle or two.
   When we got to New York city, we wanted to be with others like us, so we searched out Little Loompa Land, a small block with others from our home land. It was good to be with them. They helped us with the language, getting our kids in school, and telling us where to find work.
   Within weeks, father landed a job at the U.S. branch of the Wonka Candy Factory. It was our golden ticket to a life of success. American is a splendid place. No where else could a short man with orange skin and green hair become such a success.
Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: Turtlekid1 on March 27, 2009, 09:27:07 AM
I can't help but think your grade is on the line for that, but I loved every word.
Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: Captain Jim on March 27, 2009, 01:27:48 PM
Actually, I have a teacher with a sense of humor. This passed as well.
Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: Turtlekid1 on March 27, 2009, 02:31:32 PM
Ah.  So much the better for you, then. :P

When can we look forward to anothr literary masterpiece?
Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: Captain Jim on May 20, 2009, 04:15:27 PM
In science, I had to write about five different "fantasy machines". Here's what I came up with.

Machine 1 (Electricity)--- The Hammer of Thor! The Hammer of Thor is a new, not-so-portable security device. First, you program the genetic code of all your family, friends, and pets into THoT. Now, wheel THoT to the center of the house, and run the wires from THoT to “Hermods” (Smaller THoTs) placed a few feet from any entrances to your house. Now, when someone enters your house, the “Hermods” scan them. If they don’t match any of the indexed genetic signatures, The Hammer of Thor unleashes a mighty bolt of electricity! The criminal will then sit there, paralyzed or dead, until you arrive. Isn’t that convenient?

Machine 2 (Electromagnetism)--- The Dastardly Scoundrel Credit Crasher! The ultimate prank! Screw your friends over! The small metal box is big enough to fit in your pocket, and easy to disguise as a garage door opener or a pager. Now, when one of your friends pulls out a credit card, press the big, red button on your Credit Crasher! The Credit Crasher emits an electromagnetic wave,  scrambling the magnetic strip on your friend’s card. Now, watch and laugh as your friend can’t pay for the dinner you both ate! Hoo hoo! (Warning, do not use the Dastardly Scoundrel Credit Crasher if you have any credit cards or electronic devices on your person. Dastardly Scoundrel Co. is not responsible for any damaged property or upset friends.)

Machine 3 (Sound Waves)--- Cerberus’s Howl Dog Command Unit! Wear this medium-sized, more-than-light-but-less-than-heavy device on your wrist. Use the somewhat small keypad to type a command into the Cerberus’s Howl. Now, the Cerberus’s Howl emits a sound wave, only audible to dogs, broadcasting that command! Every dog in the range of the Cerberus’s Howl will have no choice but to obey your command! Have dogs bring you a million sodas! Ride a flotilla of dogs! Have an elite army of dogs attack your enemies! The possibilities are endless! Only $15.95 (plus tax and shipping and handling)!

Machine 4(Another wave force/motion)--- “Cement’s Up!” From X-Sports! Have you ever wanted to surf, but lacked the water necessary to do so? Well, that’s a problem of the past, now that the “Cement’s Up!” is on the scene! Place the “Cement’s Up!” on any stretch of ground. The machine then creates massive waves THROUGH THE GROUND! Grab your board and surf on sand, concrete, asphalt, dirt, and almost any other surface! (Please use responsibly. X-Sports is not responsible for any property damage caused by this device.)

Machine 5(The reflection and refraction of light)--- Peekaboo Pendant! This amazing new device bends light around you, so that you seem to be invisible! It really works! Make your friends think you’re a ghost! Make a sandwich disappear into thin air! Sneak into the bathroom of the opposite gender! The possibilities are endless!



Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: Turtlekid1 on May 20, 2009, 04:25:32 PM
Jim, you should work for Gadgetron.
Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: ShadowBrain on May 20, 2009, 08:51:25 PM
Why can't I have awesome prompts like that... well, in non-English classes, at least. There was a thing in English a week or so ago where one of the things we could do was write about our backpack spontaneously turning into wings. So most people did that, but I was trying to be really realistic so I didn't get very far.
Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: Captain Jim on September 10, 2009, 03:48:17 PM
I had to write my biography today. So I did.

   I was born in a log cabin I built with my own two hands,  in the state of Californiaiaiaia, founded by my great-grandfather Georgewashingham von Lincoln. My birth name is Commodore (yes I was born with a title) James  Battlehammer Hadron the third, but I  just go by Austin. I grew up following my scientist father Dr. Benton Hadron around the world, with our bodyguard Race, my adopted Indian brother Hadji, and my dog Bandit. Actually that’s a lie. I stayed in Californiaiaiaia, and trained myself fighting dinosaurs using only my bare hands (and a shoelace). 
   When I hit the ripe age of 17, I was a battle-hardened soldier with a sweet jacket made of shotgun shells and duct tape.  It was around this time I heard of the conflict between famous writers (like Ernest Hemmingway and John Stienbeck, and to a lesser extent, JK Rowling) and a rouge faction of arctic frost gnomes trying to resurrect their king, Walt Disney. This marked the beginning of the era known as the Cold War (on account of the frost gnomes). Determined not to let the frost gnomes succeed, I tried to enlist in the Famous Writer Army, but they wouldn’t let me in (but they let in Stephanie Meyer. Seriously?). Undaunted, I decided to publish a famous book. Spending all of five minutes, I wrote a short story called War and Peace, and published it under my pen name of Leo Tolstoy. Apparently it was a big hit or something, and I was allowed to join the Famous Writer Army. I was placed in the Vulture Squadron, with the heavy weapons expert William Shakespeare and the field medic Dr. Suess, whom I owe my life to, seeing as he removed the deadly Glorguns from my organs.
   The conflict went on for several years, and I lost an eye in the process (I found it in my canteen not too long after). Countless authors and frost gnomes lost their lives. But mostly authors. That’s why most of the famous ones are dead. Soon, our forces were down to me, Willie, Dr. Suess, and the sniper Emily Dickinson (she didn’t like being near people). We finally decided to out with a bang, and launched a full invasion upon the frost gnome stronghold of Walt Disney World. We fought valiantly, but were unable to prevent the frost gnome mages from resurrecting Walt Disney as a giant robot frost golem with a mustache (and a really nice suit). He struck down my entire squadron with one swing of his monorail arm. I lay in the Floridian snow, barely clinging on to life, when I was visited by the raven of the great Norse god Odin. It whispered a sacred song to me, and I suddenly gained the strength of Fifty Vikings (and a tech support dude from 1997)! With this newfound power, I turned into a mighty dragon with the power to breathe bazookas that fired axes. After a mighty clash that leveled the entire state of Flordia, Robofrostgolem Walt Disney fell, returning to his grave beneath the Matterhorn. I was victorious, and had saved the world. Returning to my humanoid form, I shed a single tear for all the authors who had given their lives (except Stephanie Meyer. I didn’t miss her). Then I bought a house somewhere in Southern Californiaiaiaia, and fell in love…with the prospect of frying strips of pork to a crispy deliciousness.
   And that’s how I invented bacon.
Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: jdaster64 on September 10, 2009, 04:36:05 PM
...Dr. Suess, whom I owe my life to, seeing as he removed the deadly Glorguns from my organs.

I lost. Big time.  This whole piece is amazing.

BTW, change the topic title to something else...
Title: Re: Eekum Bokum--- The Creation of Man
Post by: Turtlekid1 on September 11, 2009, 10:15:15 AM
It's pretty brilliant (the story, I kind of agree about the topic name).
Title: Re: Jim Writes Stuff
Post by: Lizard Dude on October 05, 2009, 10:29:11 PM
You just obliterated one of my favorite topic titles ever.

:(