In my new English class, we had to write a Native American-style creation story, explaining the origin of man. Here is my story.
One day, the Great Spirit looked upon the barren Earth and frowned a mighty frown. He was growing bored of the Earth being so…very….empty. So, he sat in is big, comfy, spirit chair and thought. And thought. And thought. Eventually, as he was nearing sleep, he had an idea.
“I will create ANIMALS!” he shouted, his booming voice echoing throughout the world, so everyone could hear. Except they couldn’t, because they didn’t yet exist. But the Great Spirit would soon fix that dilemma. He rode his cloud escalator down to the vacant Earth. Then, waving his arms, he let out a mighty
“EEKUM BOKUM!”
With these mighty magic words, the dirt clods around him started forming into strange and wondrous creatures: the prickly and obnoxious Hedgehog, the long and humble Dachshund, the small and noble Termites, the strange and very confused Platypus, and the aquatic and non-mobile Sea Anemone. All of the creatures looked around, awed at their new life (except for the anemone, who shriveled up due to the lack of water on the barren planet, but don’t worry, the Great Spirit fixed that quickly) and asked the Great Spirit what their purpose was. The Great Spirit said with great wisdom:
“…I dunno. Animal things, I guess. See ya.”
And thus, the Great Spirit rode his escalator back to the heavens, leaving the animals alone. After five ticks of the Great Eternal Clock, the animals began to argue, trying to figure who should be their leader.
“It should be me!” said the Hedgehog ,“Because you’re too slow!”
“As if!” growled the Dachshund, “I should be the leader, because I’m the most humble!”
“No!” the Termites yelled collectively ,“We should rule, we’re the most productive!”
“Glub!” bubbled the Anemone, “Glubba bubble bloop!”
The Platypus was just lost.
The arguments between the animals grew violent, until the Great Spirit appeared, extremely displeased.
“I am extremely displeased.” The Great Spirit growled. “I created you all to co-exist peacefully, and this happens? That’s it, none of you shall rule!”
“But, then who will lead us?” asked the animals.
“I shall create Man.” The Great Spirit. “EEKUM BOKUM!” he shouted again, and Man was formed out of clay. And Man stood there, with a blank grin….unblinking. Kinda creepy.
“Wooooah! What’s wrong with it?!” asked the hedgehog. The Great Spirit stared at the Man for a while, then sighed.
“Oh, right. I forgot to give him a personality.” The Great Spirit said, scooting slowly away from the unblinking Man. “But how do I decide what kind of personality to give him?”
After a few really, really stupid ideas involving jam eating contests and the Macarena, The Great Spirit finally decided on a race. He set the starting line at their current position, and set the finish line at the base of the big mountain. All the animals got ready to start…
“On your mark….” Started the Great Spirit, “Get set….GO!”
The Hedgehog, being the fastest, took off immediately. Unfortunately, he tripped on the long, low-to-the-ground body of the Dachshund, and he slid along the ground, destroying the elaborate racing machine constructed by the Termites. The remains of the racing machine, the “Speedy Woodcutter”, fell into the ocean, polluting the water of the Sea Anemone, who began coughing violently.
The Platypus said “Derp.”
The Great Spirt sighed and shook his head. The race was a terrible, terrible disaster. “Forget it!” he shouted, and he raised his arms, once again chanting “EEKUM BOKUM!” and four more Men rose from the clay. The Great Spirit gave each one a different personality: One got the obnoxious personality of the Hedgehog, another, the humbleness of the Dachshund, and another got the hardworking personality of the Termites. The next got the slothfulness Sea Anemone, only moving to eat whatever came in reach. And the last one got the pure cluelessness of the Platypus, not really understanding anything. And that’s how people came to be.
Poll
