So last weekend I asked my 4chan people if they had any experience with just not caring and letting the world see your cuts, and I just wanted to update everyone who responded or read this post. By the way, thank you all so much for your responses/support, it really helped me decide how I was going to handle making my cuts/scars public.
So on the evening of 4/28 I saw BriGuys post while all of my roommates were home and two out of three of them were in my room. I don't remember exactly how we got on the topic, I think I was talking about my medication. But one of my roommates said to me, "You know, if there is anything you need to talk about, I'm here for you." And then I told both of them that there was actually something really personal that I wanted to talk to them about. But before I told them, I made them promise that they wouldn't judge me, or think that I was a freak for it. They promised, and I admitted to them that I had been cutting myself. It was really hard for me to get the words to leave my lips, but I knew that if I didn't say it then, I probably wouldn't say it for a while after that. One of them then said that they had a hunch about it after I started wearing the bandana around my wrist. Then she asked if she could see my cuts, and I was reluctant at first because it all felt so personal and I felt so ashamed and embarrassed... but I stuck out my arm and let her see.. and she held my arm in her hands, lightly touched my scabbed up cuts and then she looked at me and started crying and saying "Oh Allison...". And it made me so sad to see her cry about what I had been doing to myself. I wanted to cry because she was crying but I was still getting acquainted with my meds and for a while I couldn't cry about anything for some reason. So even though I felt sad that she was so upset, I couldn't show it.. and I just say there apologizing for making her sad. After a couple minutes she stopped crying and all three of us just talked about why I was doing it, the help that I'm getting and stopping in the future. A week or so later I had the same talk with my third roommate. She is really busy all the time and always has her boyfriend over when she's not busy, so I had to arrange a time to talk with her about it. All three of them were really understanding and none of them thought that I was a freak or crazy for doing what I do. It was such a big relief to finally get it off of my shoulders. I could finally walk around our living space with t-shirts on and not have to be dying under warm sweatshirts because I don't have any long sleeves. I told them that I wasn't ready to quit yet, but I wanted to come clean to them because I didn't want to be walking around with cuts on myself and freak them out.
As far as the public goes.. I have only had one incident so far. I was eating dinner at my university's dining hall with my roommates and our group of friends. It had been really warm that day and I decided to be brave and wear a flowy tank top. Well everyone was having their own little conversations, and one of the guys sitting next to me(who I sort of have a crush on) asked me "What happened to your shoulder?" The moment that he asked me I felt like my brain had exploded. I felt all of the blood drain from my face, my whole body got cold and I could feel a sheen of sweat all over me. It all seemed like it happened really fast, and I didn't even hear myself speak because I was in such a panic. But later on I asked my roommate what I had said and she told me that I told him "I'd rather not talk about it right now." And he had just said "Okay." in return. Later that day after dinner I texted him saying that I hadn't meant to seem rude, but that I was going through a lot of personal stuff and it didn't seem appropriate to talk about at the dinner table. I don't think that he realized the cuts were self-inflicted when he first asked, because when he texted me back he apologized and said he was so sorry for even bringing it up and that if he had known it was a sensitive topic he never would have said anything. I then told him that it was okay, and I should have known better and should have been prepared to be asked because I was wearing a tank top. He then told me that if I ever needed anything, he was always just right across the hall(he lives in the same building right across the hall from my room). After that incident, he hasn't said anything more about it to me, and continues to treat me the same as he used to. So I'm glad that he doesn't think I'm a freak.
My scabs on my arm and shoulder have all faded and turned to scars and are less "in your face," so I'm more comfortable wearing t-shirts and such out in public, and I haven't had anyone else ask me about them yet. I'm not cutting as much anymore, and I now only cut on my upper thigh because it's the only place no one will see for sure. I still get a lot of urges when something bad happens or I get really upset, but I think that deer BriGuy post is making it easier to distract myself or talk myself out of cutting when I get the urges.
;That loathsome deer' really freaked my life...
