How do you help depressed people

[BP]

An online friend of mine from another community attempted suicide yesterday.

It came almost without warning. He left IRC with a dark quit message the night before, and I missed it.

The really terrifying part is that when he announced it to just the three or four people in a smaller IRC channel, he nonchalantly said he'd probably try again in a few weeks or months... and resumed acting like it never happened. In fact he said he wishes he didn't say anything... doesn't want anyone to worry or treat him different. Went back to talking about games and stuff like normal. And now we know normal wasn't okay. And it makes it really hard to tell how much time there is.

I did talk to him one-on-one and I don't know how much I helped, but I'm going to keep trying. I've said the basics. That I'm available to listen, that I think dealing with your problems by yourself is overwhelming and [dukar]ty and that's why other people exist, and not to feel ashamed or like an inconvenience... I know not to say anything that would induce guilt or anything like "life is great and you're just doing it wrong". It seems like he doesn't know why he's depressed and it's been constant for a long time. And I realize that even though he's been my dungeon master for about three years now, I don't know a whole lot about him. Everyone knows a lot about me 'cause wherever I go I never shut up about what I'm thinking and feeling and doing.

My thinking is that, whenever I exhibit any signs of anxiety or discomfort, I can figure out what's wrong and wrestle with the actual problem rather than the feelings. This guy either doesn't know why he's suicidal and what needs to be done to help him recover, or won't tell me (I asked specifically how he tried to do it and didn't get an answer). In order to help, I need to understand, in order to understand, I need to get him to open up. I think I should probably be transparent about that. He's smart.

However, one thing I do know about him is that his physical health is really not good. I'm well aware that can be a major factor in depression. Even I sometimes notice my mood dip if I haven't been eating my greens and getting sunlight. But I realize how difficult a problem that is to knock out, especially when it's not your own health, especially especially when you don't live anywhere near the person.

So... if anyone knows psychology or has been in a situation like this before and has any advice that will help me (and other friends, but, we've agreed that ganging up and smothering him is probably not the best thing to do) save this guy, I'm listening.

[Toad]

I wouldn't have asked about the method. Seems like it would have made them think about the act all over again, and how they could..improve it.

You did the right thing in letting them know you are available to listen. As one who suffers from depression, I like when people let me know they are there for me.

[Turtlekid1]

I think depression is often not a question of bad parts of your life becoming overwhelming, but rather good parts of your life losing meaning or impact.  Almost an inability to enjoy.  That's why understanding doesn't necessarily help - even the depressed person in the center of the spiral understands objectively that his mindset isn't healthy, but just doesn't have the energy to attempt to adopt an alternative one.  I don't know if I've ever been depressed in the clinical sense.  I have at several points, especially in the past ten years, felt truly awful in all the ways that fit the usual descriptions of clinical depression.  I don't know if that's what it's been because I've never sought to have myself diagnosed.  But I can say what's helped me most. 

For me, the first instinct I have when I start losing interest in what I love, is to freak out that I'm not finding enjoyment in my life anymore - i.e., my state of mind worsens because I'm worried about my state of mind worsening.  It troubles me especially when my life is good, not when it's bad, because there's no readily identifiable culprit.  More recently when it's happened, I try my best at rolling with the punch: recognizing that it's okay to feel that way.  You don't need to feel guilty or stressed about it.  You don't need to pressure yourself to enjoy your life, or else by definition you're not truly enjoying it.  You may not be able to control when this state of mind comes over you, but you're not powerless to influence its severity and duration.  Take the time to discover about yourself what you need to, and do what you need to, in order to come out okay on the other side.

As far as what you can do for the moment, the best thing is what you've already done: letting him know you're there to listen.  Being that positive force may not "fix" everything, or anything in and of itself, but isn't meaningless.  In simply providing that availability you've already done more than many people in his life probably have.  I would think that he actually appreciates it more than you know.  Whether accepts the hand you've extended is up to him now.