Messages

31

Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose

« on: October 08, 2009, 11:02:13 AM »

All of the below jokes are sort of inappropriate.

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.
I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the
counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered,
'No, this is my first time.'
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.
As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and lay down on a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.
I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.


A couple have separate bedrooms due to his loud snoring,
One night when feeling aroused the husband calls his wife "Hey sexy wexy fancy paying a visit to hubby wubbies room?"
She goes to his room and trips on the carpet and falls ,he jumps up and says "Oh sweety weety are you alright let me help you upsy wupsy"
They climb into bed and he ****s the arse off her after ten minutes she leaves to go back to her room and trips and falls over again,
The husband looks at her on the floor and says "Stupid ***** " turns over and goes to sleep.


A man is raping a woman and she cries, "Please, think of my children!"
Kinky *****.

32

Forum Games / Re: You Get Amazed, You Lose

« on: October 06, 2009, 08:47:52 PM »

The other day I was reading my emails and there was one from my boss, it said;

"Mr. Morgan I regret to inform you that although I thought this company could tolerate your ADD, I'm afraid you're just not productive enough. You may turn up Wednesday to collect your things. I sincerely hope you will be OK."

And I thought to myself, doesnt OK look like a sideways person?

33

Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose

« on: October 02, 2009, 06:26:37 PM »

I wonder how many of you think I am british because of my posts. I am from Michigan: the state shaped like a hand. Most of the stuff I post here comes from british web sites.

Now who wants fish & chips.

34

Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose

« on: October 02, 2009, 02:16:08 PM »

35

Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose

« on: October 01, 2009, 08:11:28 PM »

36

Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose

« on: October 01, 2009, 04:11:28 PM »

I was half way through a **** the other day when all of a sudden Kanye West burst through the door.
It was ok though, he let me finish.

37

Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose

« on: September 30, 2009, 02:16:46 PM »

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"
His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?"
"No, I couldn't find her head."


I was walking down a street when the woman infront of me dropped her bags. She asked me for help.
"Of course I'll help," I said to her, "With how beautiful you are, I bet you can get a man to do anything."
She giggled and flirted back by touching my arm and saying, "With how strong you are, I bet you can get a woman to do anything."
I laughed and said, "Yes, I can actually."
Then I r...you can guess.


A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence fell... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:
"So, what's it gonna be?"
To which he replied, "Meow!"



What did the necrophiliac say to the paedophile?
"After you."



who lost?

38

Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose

« on: September 29, 2009, 01:58:01 PM »

A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last person alive."

Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?"

Wiped the smug look off her face.

39

Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose

« on: September 29, 2009, 01:10:37 PM »

Do you go to the same joke site I do too?


They're bringing out a new Barbie doll called "Internet Barbie", which is really a fat guy claiming to be a hot blonde.

40

Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose

« on: September 28, 2009, 02:24:24 PM »

Here is a joke about modern culture.


THIS IS LABOUR GOVERNMENT

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

------------------------------------------------------------------------

LABOUR GOVERNMENT THE UK VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing 'We shall overcome'.

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London .

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain 's multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a government minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom .

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

41

Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose

« on: September 27, 2009, 05:25:04 PM »

Who's guilty?

A wife wakes up from a dream yelling, "Hurry, my husbands home."

The husband wakes up and jumps out of the window.

42

Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose

« on: September 27, 2009, 02:38:40 PM »

I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a letter to London Zoo;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a zoo, please send me 2 mongooses."

I thought that didn't sound right so I tried again;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongeese."

Nope, that still didn't sound right;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongi."

Ahh screw it I thought,

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me a mongoose.

P.S. Send me another one."

43

General Chat / Re: My Rocks

« on: September 25, 2009, 08:36:21 PM »

Pretty cool. I would like to do something like this one day. Can you put a rock in Michigan.

44

Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose

« on: September 25, 2009, 07:49:22 PM »

45

Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose

« on: September 24, 2009, 06:51:20 PM »

I gave up going to the library to get a book on suicide (since no one brings the books back) so I thought I would try Amazon.
Found one that must be good as nobody has reviewed it.

Site was helpful too

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