Author Topic: The REAL Astronaut Story (Read 11961 times)

TEM · « **on:** July 09, 2009, 11:28:29 AM »

You are an astronaut about to launch for space adventures. As normal, you are woken up by a NASA employee via intercom. You get out of your bunk at the NASA facilities located at the launch site and get dressed.

What do you do next?

WarpRattler · « **Reply #1 on:** July 09, 2009, 11:37:21 AM »

I find out what, if anything, I can eat for breakfast. A traditional astronaut breakfast is probably out of the question since the launch is today.

Rao · « **Reply #2 on:** July 09, 2009, 11:56:58 AM »

I start to get nervous, and contemplate if this is really what I want to do with my life.

TEM · « **Reply #3 on:** July 09, 2009, 12:33:26 PM »

Quote from: Rao on July 09, 2009, 11:56:58 AM

I start to get nervous, and contemplate if this is really what I want to do with my life.

You begin to go over your options. You have a buttload of sweet, sweet astronaut money in the bank so you can go almost anywhere. You are in Florida, USA and you have a car. You have a spacesuit and with a bunch of sweet technology on it. But you remember that your mission is very important and involves investigating strange things happening in space.

Your superior officer tells you via intercom that they are ready to launch and await your arrival at the loading bay.

What do you do?

WarpRattler · « **Reply #4 on:** July 09, 2009, 12:39:53 PM »

The government could probably freeze my assets if I deserted...they'd probably stop me before I got off base if I tried to drive out...a spacesuit is pretty noticeable, and I'd lose all the sweet technology if I ditched it...and investigating stuff in space has been my lifelong dream.

I head to the loading bay, still nervous and wishing I had been able to eat breakfast.

Black Mage · « **Reply #5 on:** July 09, 2009, 12:59:09 PM »

After weighing the importance of investigating peculiarities in space against continuing to live a sweet, sweet astronaut money fueled life on Earth I take a gamble and formulate a plan to utilize the space shuttle to escape from the shackles of the working world.

Glorb · « **Reply #6 on:** July 09, 2009, 02:42:57 PM »

I chew bubblegum, realizing full well that once I run out I will be forced to kick ass.

CrossEyed7 · « **Reply #7 on:** July 09, 2009, 03:07:28 PM »

I use my astronaut money to make my own space shuttle. With blackjack! And hookers! In fact, forget making the shuttle.

TEM · « **Reply #8 on:** July 09, 2009, 06:02:50 PM »

Quote from: Black Mage on July 09, 2009, 12:59:09 PM

After weighing the importance of investigating peculiarities in space against continuing to live a sweet, sweet astronaut money fueled life on Earth I take a gamble and formulate a plan to utilize the space shuttle to escape from the shackles of the working world.

You head to the loading bay with the plan of hijacking the space shuttle to escape NASA drudgery. You salute your officers and fellow astronauts as you board the shuttle for your solo mission. Half way to the edge of the Earth's atmosphere you turn off all communication systems and direct your course to Neveda where you have a cache of highly liquid gold bullion that you cleverly invested the majority of your assets into years ago. After a few hours you run out of fuel and are forced to land in a flat stretch of unknown land in the American Southwest. 15 minutes after getting off of the shuttle you see a helicopter and two Jeeps advancing on your position. You turn on your suit's cloak device as the Jeeps pull over and the helicopter land. Your suit only has enough energy to cloak for 5 more minutes before needing to auto-recharge for 1 hour. You have no weapons on your person and you don't know exactly where you are.

What do you do?

SolidShroom · « **Reply #9 on:** July 09, 2009, 06:16:12 PM »

Stow away in one of the jeeps.

Turtlekid1 · « **Reply #10 on:** July 09, 2009, 09:24:14 PM »

While the helicopter's pilots are outside looking for me (I assume that's what they're there for), I steal the copter and fly away, but not before getting rid of all the tracking devices installed on or inside it.

Glorb · « **Reply #11 on:** July 10, 2009, 11:29:42 AM »

I realize the dudes will see my footprints if I run, so I activate my suit's jetpack and hover a foot off the ground over to one of the jeeps and rummage through its trunk.

TEM · « **Reply #12 on:** July 10, 2009, 12:04:32 PM »

Quote from: SolidShroom on July 09, 2009, 06:16:12 PM

Stow away in one of the jeeps.

You stealthily climb into the back of a Jeep and get as small as possible. A few hours pass by and more vehicles arrive, At that point the Jeep you are hiding in begins to move and travels for a few hours until it arrives at a small tourist town. The Jeep parks on the side of the road near the town square. The people in the Jeep get out and walk away. You are alone in the car and from what you overheard the two guys in the Jeep saying they don't know where your ship came from and are unaware of your existence. Lots of people are walking around on the sidewalks and it appears to be about 1 PM.

What do you do?

Turtlekid1 · « **Reply #13 on:** July 10, 2009, 12:39:19 PM »

Find somewhere to stow the space suit so I can masquerade as a normal person and buy supplies.

Glorb · « **Reply #14 on:** July 10, 2009, 12:46:48 PM »

I take off my suit and replace it with the bad guy fatigues, then climb out. "Oh my god," I say to the bad guys, acting confused, "I can't believe you guys locked me in that trunk! Some friends you are!"

SolidShroom · « **Reply #15 on:** July 10, 2009, 01:49:35 PM »

Use the cloaking device (which has been recharged by this point) to escape the jeep without attention. Purchase a road map at the nearest available retailer, then, hot-wire the jeep (A NASA astronaut should have enough knowledge to do this) and use the map to drive to the nearest large city.

-FoxMcCloud- · « **Reply #16 on:** July 10, 2009, 06:53:45 PM »

I ditch the spacesuit (I'm wearing normal clothes underneath) and quickly climb out of the Jeep, then walk calmly to the nearest bank. While making a withdrawal of about $70, I casually remark to the teller that I am just passing through the town and ask if he would be kind enough to direct me to the nearest bar.

TEM · « **Reply #17 on:** July 10, 2009, 08:08:59 PM »

Quote from: -FoxMcCloud- on July 10, 2009, 06:53:45 PM

I ditch the spacesuit (I'm wearing normal clothes underneath) and quickly climb out of the Jeep, then walk calmly to the nearest bank. While making a withdrawal of about $70, I casually remark to the teller that I am just passing through the town and ask if he would be kind enough to direct me to the nearest bar.

You take off and leave the space suit that has the ability to turn you invisible in the Jeep and get some cash from an ATM, using your bank card in the process. You head to the nearest bar and have a drink.

What do you do?

Glorb · « **Reply #18 on:** July 10, 2009, 08:12:59 PM »

Finish my drink and then hop up on the karoake stage. TIEM FER SUM MUSIK.

CrossEyed7 · « **Reply #19 on:** July 11, 2009, 04:18:25 AM »

I get so drunk that I think the shot glass is a beer can and try to crush it against my forehead.

TEM · « **Reply #20 on:** July 13, 2009, 11:49:31 AM »

Quote from: CrossEyed7 on July 11, 2009, 04:18:25 AM

I get so drunk that I think the shot glass is a beer can and try to crush it against my forehead.

Smashing the thick glass on your head knocks you out and you fall face first on the floor of the bar. Three seconds later five government officials come in and search the building for you. They never give the passed out yokel on the floor a second glance. An hour later you wake up, you ask the bartender why the place is cleared out. He tells you that some government stiffs were in the building questioning everyone so the tourists scattered. You realize that you had a close call but managed to get under the radar of the US Government's goons. A little groggy, but otherwise okay, you walk outside into the bustling tourist foot traffic. It appears to be about 2:30 PM.

What do you do next?

Sqrt2 · « **Reply #21 on:** July 13, 2009, 06:49:07 PM »

Go to your Jeep and skip town (after stopping at home and getting some supplies).

Glorb · « **Reply #22 on:** July 13, 2009, 07:35:55 PM »

Doesn't that assume you have access to the jeep and live in the area?

I decide to rent a room at a nearby motel with the cash I have left.

Turtlekid1 · « **Reply #23 on:** July 13, 2009, 07:39:34 PM »

Go to the dentist.

TEM · « **Reply #24 on:** July 14, 2009, 11:18:29 PM »

Quote from: Glorb on July 13, 2009, 07:35:55 PM

I decide to rent a room at a nearby motel with the cash I have left.

Low on cash, unable to use an ATM without alerting the authorities, and dreaming of your lifetime's worth of phat living in the secret desert cache, you decide to rent a room at a seedy motel to formulate a plan and rest.

It's the next day, 8:00 AM. You have about twenty bucks.

What do you do?

Turtlekid1 · « **Reply #25 on:** July 15, 2009, 11:25:22 AM »

Take a cab to the city nearest to where I stashed the gold.

Glorb · « **Reply #26 on:** July 15, 2009, 11:41:38 AM »

I go through the phone book and contact a gold detection and excavation expert, explaining to him that he can get a sizeable portion of the treasure should he decide to help.

EDIT: This story's actually getting pretty cool. Once it's over it should be made into a book, length allowing.

TEM · « **Reply #27 on:** July 15, 2009, 12:16:12 PM »

Quote from: Turtlekid1 on July 15, 2009, 11:25:22 AM

Take a cab to the city nearest to where I stashed the gold.

You call a cab company and get laughed at when you tell him you want to travel 400 miles and only have 20 dollars. It's 8:05 AM.

What do you do next?

Glorb · « **Reply #28 on:** July 15, 2009, 12:19:19 PM »

I go through the phone book and contact a rather mediocre former construction worker who's actually never excavated anything major before. But apparently he's willing to work for 20 bucks.

Chupperson Weird · « **Reply #29 on:** July 15, 2009, 01:02:23 PM »

Go to the dollar store and buy a seemingly unrelated assortment of products that when assembled correctly provide me with a means to contact my robot underlings back at the launch base.

TEM · « **Reply #30 on:** July 16, 2009, 09:20:25 PM »

Quote from: Chupperson Weird on July 15, 2009, 01:02:23 PM

Go to the dollar store and buy a seemingly unrelated assortment of products that when assembled correctly provide me with a means to contact my robot underlings back at the launch base.

Putting your degrees in Astrophysics, Robotics and Frugality to use, you purchase various odds and ends at a dollar store and create a device to emit a communique to the launch base's Robotic Assistant Team. You program the various robots to combine together to create a transportation device. The robots covertly steal various parts and reactors while the human operators are busy looking for their missing astronaut. Three hours of pillaging and welding later, a low-flying transport is heading your way with a ETA of two hours. Unfortunately the powerful and lengthy relay emitted by your cobbled together communication device left an aftershock that was detected by the NASA scientists. You are aware of this negative after effect, the scientists know where you are located within a 30 mile radius. It is 11:00 AM. You are in your hotel room with a freshly dismantled dollar store device. Usable items left are Chinese poppers, a New Year's Day hat from 1996 and a plastic gun.

What do you do?

Weegee · « **Reply #31 on:** July 16, 2009, 09:46:40 PM »

I retrieve some tinfoil from a nearby trash receptacle and fashion it into a radar-resistant helmet by using instructions from Conspiracy Theorism Monthly. If it repels Xenu's mind sensors, then it'll surely deflect NASA's tracking signals. I then cleverly disguise myself as a bird by wearing the party hat over my face in a beak-like fashion before leaving with the fake pistol to fend off potential muggers.

WarpRattler · « **Reply #32 on:** July 16, 2009, 10:31:31 PM »

I pocket the poppers, cover the party hat with tinfoil from a nearby garbage can, wear the tinfoil hat, grab the gun (which may or may not be non-fake and actually a plastic gun like the ones in the third X-Men movie), and engage in some Solid Snake-style stealth stuff (minus the extended-length cutscenes, because I don't have the time for those) to find somewhere safer than a seedy motel.

Glorb · « **Reply #33 on:** July 17, 2009, 10:12:15 AM »

I go to a nearby convenience store and, pointing the fake gun at the clerk, demand all the money in the register. To show I mean mean business, I set off one of the poppers behind my back while pointing the gun a the ceiling.

TEM · « **Reply #34 on:** July 18, 2009, 08:59:29 PM »

Quote from: Glorb on July 17, 2009, 10:12:15 AM

I go to a nearby convenience store and, pointing the fake gun at the clerk, demand all the money in the register. To show I mean mean business, I set off one of the poppers behind my back while pointing the gun a the ceiling.

Although the cashier can obviously tell that the gun is fake, he sees that you are potentially unstable and gives you $200 dollars from the register. You tie up the employee with some flimsy restraints and put him in the back. You lock the store up and put the "Closed" sign up. It's 12:00 PM. Outside the streets are full of tourists as usual and there is no obvious government presence. Your robotic transport will silently set down behind the bar in one hour.

What do you do next?

CrossEyed7 · « **Reply #35 on:** July 18, 2009, 09:53:11 PM »

I flip the sign back to Open and sell stuff for an hour. I need more than $200.

Weegee · « **Reply #36 on:** July 18, 2009, 10:09:47 PM »

One word: Casino. Lady luck is coursing through my veins tonight.

TEM · « **Reply #37 on:** July 19, 2009, 07:46:34 PM »

Quote from: CrossEyed7 on July 18, 2009, 09:53:11 PM

I flip the sign back to Open and sell stuff for an hour. I need more than $200.

Despite being an hour away from a journey that would make you one of the richest men on the planet, you experienced a thrill from your first act of theft that you had to feel again. You return to the tied up employee, gag him with a rag and apple, and reinforce the bindings that tie his arms and legs. You open the shop for business and ring out customers for about thirty minutes, gaining you and extra $50, before you notice the trickle of customers slow to a stop. Outside you spot police officers and FBI suits rounding up people and putting them into vans. Roadblocks are placed and every building is getting searched. In 5 minutes they will be entering the building you currently occupy. The convenience store has glass bottles of alcohol and heavy, bulky objects (cash register, hot dog cooker) that might be used as weapons. There is an exit to the top of the one story building, with similar sized buildings to both sides, and a front and back exit. The robotic craft sets down in thirty minutes exactly 3 miles from your position. It's 12:30 PM.

What do you do?

Weegee · « **Reply #38 on:** July 19, 2009, 10:29:49 PM »

I convince the hapless cashier to masquerade as myself by promising him a life of fame, wealth and a voyage to the moon. He consents, and I exit the convenience store under the guise of an innocent employee. The FBI would never apprehend a presumably Indian-American Quickie Mart worker, lest they be accused of racial profiling.

Which is wrong.

Turtlekid1 · « **Reply #39 on:** July 20, 2009, 10:38:23 AM »

Throw some of the bottles of alcohol out the window, drenching the immediate area around the bar and throw one of the remaining poppers onto the wet cement to set the drinks on fire. That should cover my escape out the back (come on, it's a bar; there's always a back door).

TEM · « **Reply #40 on:** July 20, 2009, 12:12:10 PM »

Someone didn't get an "A" in reading comprehension.

Glorb · « **Reply #41 on:** July 20, 2009, 12:56:15 PM »

I study harder.

Turtlekid1 · « **Reply #42 on:** July 20, 2009, 01:43:14 PM »

I hack into the school's mainframe and change my grade to "A+."

CrossEyed7 · « **Reply #43 on:** July 20, 2009, 03:13:25 PM »

But I spell it with a P and three Ms.

TEM · « **Reply #44 on:** July 23, 2009, 09:53:29 PM »

This story ends on a cliffhanger.