I have completely lost hope in women. I shouldn't, but I can't help myself...I am completely furious. Let us start from the beginning.
I have a great friend. He's like a brother to me, and that's pretty big, since I'm not much of a people person, to feel like this guy is family. I can't always agree with him, especially how he handles women, but I'll stick by him. He's actually family to my whole family. September 28, his girlfriend gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, named Josh, and I love him. Then Steve, my friend, and his girlfriend, Ashley, broke up. This was only after she found out he was going out with another girl from our school, and she didn't know since she was out to take care of the child. When Ashley did get back into school, both of the women broke up with him. Of course, they were still having sex, cause, well, he's horny all the time, and they were living together (to take care of the baby). It's the convenience factor. I guess she finally got sick of him, and stopped everything. The three of us continued to hang out. After a while, Ash told me she was attracted to me. I was wary, as 1) She's my best friends Ex and mother of his child, and 2) This would be the first woman ever interested in me...ever. I told her that I couldn't, and she was alright with that. But after a few months, I got to know her, and I became attracted back. We didn't do anything because Steve would have killed us (He can cheat, but when they break up, she can't do anything with anyone...I don't get it). But we flirted and I did tell her I liked her.
Steves parents are divorced (or never married...I don't know, their entire family tree needs 4 apple orchards, it's confusing), and his mother lives in Florida, so every other Christmas and for the summer, he goes down there. Last Friday Steve left for where his mother was staying, and they were leaving on Saturday. Friday, when Steve, Ash, and Steves brother, left after a quick good-bye, I went on my way. Ashley came back about 15 minutes later. After some time of awkwardness, we kissed. This was my first kiss. So until about 10pm, we were playing video games and kissing. We made plans to meet the next day at the mall, around 4:30. We said that we weren't really together, since it would never really work, and Steve would literally kill us (Not to mention my mother, who didn't think too highly of Ashley)if he knew. But I was still estatic.
The next day came, and I was ready to meet up with her. That was, until about 3:30, when my sisters boyfriend called me up, and asked if I would work with him (He works for one of his professors at college doing a phone poll). I want to say that I had to, but I think it was the idea of $65 for 4 hours of work that really made me decide to go. In retrospec, I should have said no. But I didn't want to just leave Ashley sitting in the mall waiting for me, so I asked when Chris came to pick me up to swing by her house, and tell her I couldn't make it. Her door was locked, and we were already running late, so I forced the thought that I could make up with her later, and she wouldn't be too angry with me. The next day I tried to get in contact, but she must have been at her parents house, on the other side of the city, and just left a note. For the next 4 days when she didn't come by my house, I was feeling more and more guilty. I continuously thought that I truly screwed up my first possible relationship with someone I really liked. I bought a little white tiger plush (her favorite animal) to try and make up, and I was ready to grovel. Finally she came today (well, yesterday by now) and I started to ask for forgiveness leaving her hanging at the mall alone, but she said I shouldn't, that it didn't matter since we weren't actually together, and it was okay. I still felt guilty, which is probably why I didn't notice things that seemed wierd, mostly little things that she did, such as look at me out of the corner of her eye then smiling, or even look at me at all. A little later, Steves brother came over and after using my computer, started talking to Ashley about something. I didn't really know cause they were talking about her family, which I don't know, and that they didn't want me to know something. When I directly asked what they were talking about (something about a rumor that spread through her parents building, about someone not allowed in the house anymore, all kinda confusing), Steves brother said he couldn't say, but that Ashley did something with someone. My mind took it and ran. I pretty much figured she had slept with someone, and it ****ed me off. They left around 6, and I had to help my mother move things for a garage sale, so I had to go over to my aunts and help. For the whole day I went from mad to just confused, since I still didn't know for sure what she had done. When I finally got home around ten, I got online and started talking to Steve, mostly about how boring Florida is. Somehow we got on the subject of Ashley, and I told him about how we kissed. I explained how I really liked her, but was really kinda scared as to what she had done. I know he knew, since when Ashley was over, her and Jonny(Steves brother) were talking about him and how he reacted. He wouldn't tell me, but when I told him what I did, he said she had, like I thought, slept with some guy...Saturday. I was furious. I knew I had screwed up, but I didn't think she would be so angry at me as to go to some other guy NOT EVEN A DAY LATER. I know that we weren't actually together, but I could never had imagined she would have done it. Then Steve told me that they had sex before they came over on friday. Spots...I was seeing spots. Though her and Steve had been on and off in their relationship for a while, about Mid-May, she told me she completely cut him off, broken up, and no more sex. So this really hurt. Steve wasn't too angry at me, mostly at her. He was just glad that I told him. We were talking for a while about what I did, then what she had told him over the phone about what she did. Then he told me that it is a possibility that the guy she screwed had HIV. I don't care how angry I am at someone, I would never ask that of anyone. Granted, I felt as if I could throw her onto the highway for lying...numerous times. After a little while more, I went to bed. Unfortunately, I couldn't sleep, because I was still really angry. About 4 am I got back up, and got back online, and talked with Steve some more, when I realized...It's my fault. If I had turned down the money, the whole series of horrible events would have not happened, or not been known to everyone. Saturday, if I had not gone to work, if I had met up with her, we would have hung out at the mall, likely come back here, watched TV, play a game, and she would have gone home, likely to come over again Sunday. But I figure, because I wanted money more than someone to be with,
1. Steve would not have known about us, which I figure would have still been known later, since I am no Joe Cool, would have screwed up the relationship somehow and likely would have told him, but later
2.I would not have known about Ashley and Steve sleeping together, and for the time being, ignorance is bliss, or at least better than blinding rage.
3. She would not have gone over to that guys house, had sex, and possibly contracted the virus that will kill her.
So, in the end, I am one of the people responsible for her possible death.
This is why I have ANGST. Towards so many people
