Author Topic: Is there a "right" way to ask someone out?  (Read 4250 times)

« on: October 24, 2013, 09:47:18 AM »
Warning: I talk about IRL junk in this topic on a Mario message board.

This question occurred to me recently after asking a good friend of mine out the other day. We had been hanging out on-and-off for the last couple years and had a lot of stuff in common. After finally getting up the courage, I wrote this huge speech-esque "proposal" of dating to her on Facebook; basically it outlined that I thought we had a special bond and that even if it didn't work out or she didn't want it, I would be fine with being "just friends." (GASP, I was being serious!) It was pretty long-winded, and I was beginning think that maybe there were better methods of interacting instead of Facebook (although she lives several hours away in New Mexico). I talked with a guy I kinda know online about the situation, and he encouraged me to tell her how I feel, and that it would be the right thing to do, instead of letting it bubble over, which is totally what I normally do in these situations. Anyway, she turned me down, but I got a new best friend out of the deal.

What my original point comes down to is this: Would there have been a different reaction if I had asked her a different way? I mean, big speeches have always kinda been my thing, but what if I took a more romantic/funny/ridiculous way of asking? Is the response sometimes dependent on the execution of the proposal? I didn't necessarily think I did it "wrong," but there's this idea I've been having that maybe there's a way to get a yes if I did things a little differently. To be honest, we both like each other and I figured that it could easily translate into a relationship, because that's what happened to the train wreck that was my last relationship... but I guess really good friends don't always add up to that.

Also, the "friend zone" stuff doesn't bother me in this case; we were already just friends to begin with, and I like being really good friends, even with girls. The only thing that irked me was that I've wanted a relationship for a while, and it always helps when it's with someone you already like. It only "hurts," because I haven't been as optimistic about this part of my life in a long time, and she gave me a glimmer of hope recently.
I'm a horrible person.


  • Tortuga
« Reply #1 on: October 24, 2013, 10:06:09 AM »
There's a "right" way insofar as there are a lot of possible "wrong" ways.  Frankly speaking, I would say Facebook fits the latter.  Another possible factor here is conciseness.  I get the feeling a simple "d'you wanna go out with me" in real life is leagues better than a pouring out of the soul via electronic medium.  Depends on whether the girl goes for grand gestures, I suppose... but it seems like the trend is away from taking relationships seriously and more toward "if you even hint at its being a big deal/a commitment/a precursor to a marriage/a [gasp] 'date'" - then you're too clingy.  I'm a strong independent woman and I don't need no man.  It's a popular cliche, but one firmly grounded in the reality that there's a stigma these days attached to wanting or needing a significant other.  A lot of girls might just turn you down on the basis of a long speech simply because the societal message they're getting says that it's wrong to want a relationship more badly than one wants a mug of tea on a rainy afternoon.

But I digress.  My point is that some methods of asking someone out are going to set off (often unjustified) alarms because of some overblown fear of dependence on a significant other.  It may or may not be what happened here.  It's not just how the asker handles it as a broad strategy; it's also about how the specific ASCII is predisposed to respond.  Don't stress about technique when it should be judged case-by-case.  You can't ask a girl out in a vacuum.
« Last Edit: October 24, 2013, 10:07:53 AM by Turtlekid1 »
"It'll say life is sacred and so is death
but death is life and so we move on"

« Reply #2 on: October 24, 2013, 12:21:10 PM »
Well, I mean Facebook has become this huge social outlet that everyone uses; it was pretty hard for me to consider anything else like snail-mail (though I have sent her things via that method before), and the last time I "saw her" was over the past weekend during this huge concert event. She brought a friend along and I didn't want to break out something so potentially big that it would throw off the weekend. haha, I guess that I approached the question the same way I like to approach a lot of things: methodically.

I think the reason I wrote so much was because I wanted her to understand that I thought about the situation a lot (not like by fantasizing about her, more like, thought about how it might be a good idea), and didn't want her to get the wrong idea about what I wanted. I've been misunderstood a lot, so I had a lot to explain over the message. Going back to what I outlined in the OP, I think I handled it pretty well; it's just that she apparently never thought about me that way, which is common and understandable. Going back to "Facebook was a bad idea," we actually met online first. I dunno if that makes an impact, and as much as the phrase "online dating" makes me cringe, I wouldn't say that it's as ridiculous as it used to be. I think a lot of human behavior is being honed online, and it's starting to become the norm. (Not saying that's a good thing, but it is a thing) She's a very reserved person (kind of like I tend to be) IRL, and it wasn't until we really started "hanging out" that she had more to say.
I'm a horrible person.

« Reply #3 on: October 24, 2013, 06:00:11 PM »
>Asking girls out
>Indulging in the Vaginal Jew
YYur  waYur n beYur you Yur plusYur instYur an Yur Yur whaYur


  • Kansas
« Reply #4 on: October 24, 2013, 08:15:22 PM »
I would certainly say that in the digital age we have become especially jaded to the power that exists in the real human encounter. Facebook (or even the phone, for that matter) can really become a screen or a mask, whether our intentions are to be masked or not. It's appropriate to make plans over Facebook, but to make huge life decisions over the site, well that's a horse of a different color. The sincerity, the honor, the courage that it takes to ask someone out in person makes a huge difference in my opinion. There is just something that makes somebody feel special about being asked out in real life and not over the internet. Today we do so much over the internet that we tend to forget the real value and power in face-to-face encounters.

I've often heard it said not to ask anyone out over the phone, but always in person. It's okay to make plans to get together over the internet, but it  would be better to use those plans to ask the person out in person.

There is something to be said about the risk that comes into play when you ask someone out. You really have to go outside of yourself when you ask someone out: you have to risk being hurt. Both parties can hide from that fact behind the convenient screen of the internet. Both parties are faced with the emotion of human attraction during an "in person" encounter from which they could otherwise hide. Take for the example blushing, the spontaneity of a response, and the fear of rejection. These are all in play in the personal encounter, and they make the risk so much worth the price.

Remove the risk, remove the human element, mask it, push it into the arena of the artificial, and the question, "will you go out with me" itself looses its real precious value.
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  • Ridiculously relevant
« Reply #5 on: October 24, 2013, 08:16:50 PM »
I don't know, I'm gonna stick up for ya here and say that in 2013, I'd be surprised if conveying the message through Facebook was the deal-breaker. I mean, when I was in high school, I sent one or two pretty epic-sized confessionals to a girl I'd had wildly swinging feelings for for years, and... well, you actually got off better than I did there, but I digress. Do I mourn the decline of face-to-face communication? Absolutely, but as far as I'm concerned, if you couldn't conveniently see her IRL, don't beat yourself up over using the internet as a proxy.

You can't ask a girl out in a vacuum.
Well, that sucks.
"Mario is your oyster." ~The Chef


  • Tortuga
« Reply #6 on: October 24, 2013, 11:59:39 PM »
"It'll say life is sacred and so is death
but death is life and so we move on"

« Reply #7 on: October 25, 2013, 06:15:37 AM »
You're right, we should keep this thread clean of puns.


  • Normal
« Reply #8 on: November 15, 2013, 12:43:52 AM »
If someone really liked you, they'd probably be willing to overlook the odd/strange/less appealing way that you asked them out.

Within reason, I mean.  Someone will probably stop liking you if you ask them out at gunpoint.
"Hello Kitty is cool, but I like Keroppi the best."

« Reply #9 on: November 15, 2013, 02:10:09 PM »
Why do people continue to travel to Gunpoint if they're always being held up there
Kinopio is the ultimate video game character! Who else can drive a kart, host parties, play tennis, give good advice and items, and is almost always happy??

« Reply #10 on: November 15, 2013, 03:17:01 PM »
Where is that from? I've heard that in something once, but I cannot for the life of me remember where I heard that gunpoint joke before.

Markio, I think you make a fair point; I'd certainly hope the "one" wouldn't mind me acting like an idiot, because chances are, she's going to see me be that way more than once in her life. I've met girls before that have thought my qualities were endearing, but I don't think many tend to think I'm interested in a relationship/don't think I'm that kind of endearing. It's only recently started getting annoying when I've decided that I'm ready for a relationship. Friendship is nice, but when I get turned down because every girl I've ever known never thought of me in any other way, I can sense the pattern. I don't think I can get anywhere in this part of my life if this is the way it always ends. I seriously doubt that even the next few I meet will be outside of this trend.
I'm a horrible person.