Anyone who's been paying attention to the things I've said recently probably knows that I have this sort of a crush or something on a certain Emmy Cicierega. I think I must be a hopeless romantic at heart, because (as I've said before) I couldn't think much but "wow" the first time I saw a picture of her smiling. I mean, that's weird, right? I'm not crazy, I don't believe in stuff like "love at first sight." But she is rather lovely. As The Chef once noted, "she's friggin' 'fairy-tale' pretty." At the same time, I can't honestly say I'm sexually attracted to her - I don't think I've ever been sexually attracted to anyone. Which has gotten me honestly wondering if l'm asexual. But whatever; that's not the main point here, because I'm not aromantic. Or, maybe I am. Maybe whatever feelings I think I have for her are really just my years-long lack of any sort of real friendship coming to a head. Maybe it's less a need for romantic love and more a need for platonic love, and because she's pretty, funny, slightly geeky, and talented - which are all traits that would normally appeal to me - these factors combine and make my emotions on the matter more intense than they would be if it were one or the other. This makes sense when you take my personality into account, because whenever I discover something or someone for the first time and like it/him/her, I tend to be pretty intense about it. It often makes me seem a lot more creepy and stalker-like than I really am.
However, I can't help but think I'm projecting - seeing in her what I want to see more than what's actually there. I'm almost certain we have completely incompatible worldviews, to say nothing of the fact that the odds of our even meeting in real life are astronomical, which I guess makes it kind of a "celebrity crush" in principle (also, if you'll excuse the cliche, she's simply way out of my league). This is where the "love makes you miserable" thing comes in. I highly doubt that any action I could take would turn out well, but I don't want to just do nothing and regret it. The question is, would I regret it more if I didn't do nothing? I feel trapped. I guess the best solution would be to recognize that it's never going to freaking happen, do my best to get over her (or more likely get over myself, if I really am just projecting), and admire her for art and her sense of fun and silliness, while at the same time not being what some would perceive as nothing more than a creepy stalker with a crush. That seems like the best option in my mind, but I really don't know.
I guess this is partly a cry for help and partly just me venting. I'm not sure which of those is more dominant.
Also, I hope I don't regret even posting this at all. If I do, that would explain it if the post later gets replaced with a "disregard this, I suck" and that little message that tells you when the post was last edited.