The reason I am starting this topic is because my grandmother died about a month ago. I have never in my life been to a funeral before then, or even a wake. I didn't really understand what death was, it never really ever effected me, no-one close to me has ever died. So back then, death to me was like some super natural world. I didn't understand what it was like to lose someone. Let me tell you what it was like on this first experience. I was at my house, by myself, my mother and father were attending to my grandmother in the hospital. Rewind, that same morning I felt overcome with sadness knowing that my grandmother was not well, I didn't feel like doing anything. I took no joy or pride in anything. I didn't want to go anywhere, whereas I had to go to a party with my other family members, after awhile I had cheered up, but I still knew that my grandmother was in critical condition. Forward to when I am by myself, I go on doing what makes me happy. If I remember correctly I was watching a public documentary on TV, about the goods of cannabis and why it remains illegal, something about like it had 300-400 byproducts. Then forward to 10:00 p.m. My parents come home with their weary faces, I had no idea what had happened, then they tell me that my grandmother had died. I didn't cry, I didn't say anything, I just whent to bed and felt like something really hard hit me in the chest while going a million miles per hour. But then I felt like, I have cried enough when she was suffering from alzheimers, she wouldn't want me to suffer anymore. And even though I had a minimal amount of time to know her, the time she would be gone is only a fraction of the time I would be able to spend with her in euphoria, atleast what I think. But I still can't help but miss her, at first, you think it was just a dream, like your going to wake up, and none of the crap that has happened over the years was true, and I'm still in like 7th grade (when she first started the alzheimers) ad she is still there to talk to. But then you go through the phase where the facts hit you, like, she is in the ground, in a wooden case, and wearing away. And I can't help but feeling all this is my fault, like, when I was younger, I really never took the time to spend with her, when I went there with my dad, he would talk to her, and I would go into the other room and watch TV. Like I never took the initiative to get to know her. But I tell you, the time I did spend with her, are always going to be in my heart, I always felt like she was the best person in the world and she didn't do anything to deserve any of what she got. No, she didn't. And I just sat in front of the TV and let all that precius time waist away. And now I have to admit that I think of her all the time, and regret ever doing that. And if I could I would change it, and maybe she wouldn't get alzheimers. The reason I made this is to talk about your first experience with the death of a loved one, and how you have or havent overcome it. And take my advice when I say, you don't know what you have until it is gone, and this was the only way I could truly understand those words.
