Valiant comic summaries

[Nintendo Maximus]

Hello! I have here summaries of all the Valiant Super Mario Bros. comic stories that I have. Read these reviews, and you'll get some nostalgia. Enjoy!

“Just Deserts” (Nintendo Comics System V1I1)
The story starts off with Mario, Luigi, and King Toadstool zooming around a desert in a racecar. They run over a cactus and all the tires (even the spare) get flat. Luckily, Mario finds a vending machine of tire repair kits that some thoughtful Mushroom just happened to install there. So while the King sits down in his portable throne, Mario and Luigi get to work on repairing the tires. Unbeknowst to them, Bowser is watching them from his hidden pyramid. He uses his mirage control to produce an oasis behind the trio. The Mushroom King thinks it’s real, takes off his robe to reveal he wears boxer shorts, and dives into it. Mario and Luigi watch as the guy swims, decide that maybe it’s not a mirage, take off their overalls, put on some inner tubes, and dive in. But they wind up getting sand in their faces because Bowser moved the oasis/mirage. They get back in the car and search for the King. Luigi finds a vending machine that sells ransom notes, and buys one that says Bowser kidnapped the Mushroom King, and that they must leave 50 million Koopabits by the tiny pyramid to get him back. The Bros. don’t realize they’re parked right on top of the pyramid. Bowser blows the pyramid’s cover and then the racecar zooms right through the window and into the basement where the King wound up. Mario takes notice of the master mirage control, swipes it, and they zoom out right before the pyramid dematerializes and Bowser gets sand in his face. Mario then uses the mirage control to turn the racecar into a limo.

“The Fish That Should’ve Gotten Away” (Nintendo Comics System V1I1)
Mario is jumping around through Ocean Side, avoiding various enemies, when he suddenly runs into Stanley the Talking Fish, an annoying (and insecure) fish who always has problems in his love life. He wants advice for his date with Barbara the Bush. Mario jumps around avoiding Stanley’s speech and his enemies. Stanley asks “How can I tell other bushes that Barbara is my one and only?” Mario says “Tell them ‘Leaf me alone, I’m a stupid fish!’” With that, he heads off into the pipe at the end of the level and meets up with some female admirers of Stanley, and he tells them that he taught Stanley everything he knows.

“The Adventures of Dirk Drain-Head” (Nintendo Comics System V1I1)
Mario is impatiently awaiting the arrival of the latest issue of “Dirk Drain-Head”. Luigi brings it in because the mailman gave it to him by mistake. As Mario tries to find the perfect spot to read it, Peach says she can’t understand Mario’s obsession with Dirk when she’d rather read “Baroness Blue-Blood”. Luigi accidentally adds that he saw the latest BBB issue at Subcon World 5-1’s comic shop the other day while he was buying some tummy-time medicine. Peach orders him to go get it, and she makes Mario go with him. Mario spends the whole trip boring Luigi with everything he knows about Dirk, all the while being attacked by Shyguys and Ninjis. They reach Birdo and Luigi says that he and all the other good guys have always hated Dirk, and that they all think less of Mario for reading it. Mario loses his comic book, and Luigi makes him decide to just get going and forget about it. As the bad guys find the comic and start arguing over who gets to read it first, the Marios reach the comic shop only to discover that Bowser bought all the BBB comic books to line his Birdo cages.

“You Again?” (Nintendo Comics System V1I1)
Mario gets waken up from a sound sleep by a note from Bowser saying that he [Bowser] captured Peach and imprisoned her near the bad-smelling Koopa Troopa HQ. Mario gets out of bed and heads for Subcon, but he gets defeated by the two Shyguys at the start of World 1-1. He lands back in bed, decides that he was dreaming, and goes back to sleep. He recieves another note saying Bowser has trapped Peach in a Piranha Plant bin. A third Shyguy defeats him. He gets a third note, this one saying that Peach has to sit through a Shyguy fashion show. He approaches the Shyguys, who are now in a group of four, saying he’s taking the kid gloves off. But the Shyguys are the ones who have taken the kid gloves off, as Mario learns the hard way. He gets going again after finding out that Bowser is reading the Congressional Record aloud to Peach. This time, the Shyguys get defeated, but then Mario falls over the waterfall, and manages to restrain himself from saying the F word. He falls back into bed with the water, flooding his bedroom. Then he gets a note saying that Peach is being forced to listen to a debate by two Fryguys about the names for the little things on the end of your shoelaces. The next few BOINKS are rushed, and then suddenly, Toad wakes up from a sound sleep to answer a phone call from Peach, who’s inviting him to her party. Toad goes on and on about how he dreamed about Mario’s clumsiness, so Peach hangs up. Toad goes out to Subcon to get fresh water for his coffee, but the Shyguys defeat him. Then the whole thing starts all over and the story ends.

“Piranha Round-Sue” (Super Mario Bros. V1I1)
Mario and Toad return from being ambushed by a rebellion of Piranha Plants to find that Bowser turned King Toadstool into a chameleon. He orders them to go get the Magic Wand over at the Piranha Plant HQ in World 1, giving Mario the Green Gecko Gem, an emerald that creates a forcefield that protects it’s wearer from harm, but disallows him to touch anyone else. As they get going, Toad figures a plan to use on the Piranha Plants. Mario gets greedy about using the Gem, and so Toad lets the Plant Rebellion’s leader, Piranha Sue, trick him into trying to steal the Gem from Mario. Mario finds the Wand and goes back to find Toad, who’s pretending to drown. Mario puts the Gem down long enough to save Toad, but then Sue steals it and what looks like the Wand for herself. Sue gloats that now the Piranha Plants are invincible out loud. Just then, Bowser shows up, angry at Sue for talking about world domination behind his back. She tries to please him by presenting the Gem and the “Wand” to him. Bowser says those trinkets are nothing to him, especially since the “Wand” is really Mario’s plumbing wrench with a ball screwed to it. As Bowser gets ready to use the fake Wand to bend Sue’s petals, Mario and Toad escape with the Gem and the REAL Wand and use it to make the King normal again… sort of.

“Cloud Nine” (Super Mario Bros. V1I1)
King Toadstool wakes up feeling restless and cranky because his mattress is more lumpy than a bowl of oatmeal. So Mario and Luigi take him to Snooze World (a bed store) and the King tries to choose the perfect mattress. Wart (who looks more like a off-model King K. Rool) shows up disguised as a salesman carrying a “talking pillow”, suggesting a Cloud Nine mattress. Then a Pidgit’s voice comes up over the microphone announcing a plumbing sale going on outside. While Mario and Luigi head over to the plumbing sale, Wart uses the elevator and takes the King up to the sky. He tricks the King into trying out a raincloud shaped like a bed. The King goes to sleep and causes rain all over the Mushroom Kingdom. Back down below, Mario and Luigi return from the plumbing sale that was out of plumbing supplies to find out that Wart had snatched the king “again”. They discover the King’s cloud and head back to the Mushroom Kingdom. They get out the Sky Pop from Super Mario Land and use their plumbing supplies to fix the King’s cloud. Then they harpoon Wart to the Sky Pop with a plunger and set it on autopilot for the Fungi Forest. The Marios return the King home and he wakes up, thinking the whole story was a dream.

“Magic Carpet Madness” (Super Mario Bros. V1I2)
The King walks out of his garden to answer the phone only to discover it’s a crank call from Bowser. He starts to head back out when Peach yells at him because he tracked mud all over the carpet. While Mario and Luigi mistake the tracks for free dance lessons, Peach calls up the Apook Carpet Cleaners, and they live up to their name. As Peach gives free chocolate chip cookies to the Pidgits for doing their job, she doesn’t notice that the conditioner was Flying Carpet Juice. Magic Carpets produce from the rug under Peach’s and the Mario Bros.’s feet. The Marios get stuck on the ceiling and Peach floats out the skylight. She flies right into Koopa Zone and gets hypnotized by some Pidgits, but not before getting away with saying the D word. Back on the castle ceiling, Mario uses a pocket vacuum cleaner to get him and Luigi off of the carpet. They rush out to tell the King about Peach floating away to the Koopa Zone. Just then, a shout of “Not anymore, suckers!” comes from off-panel, and in swoops Peach the punk. Mario grows a beanstalk and they climb up to save her. Peach destroys Bowser’s Bad-Year blimp, but then whams right into the beanstalk and falls off the Carpet. The King and his flowers use the Carpet that Mario had vacuumed up to catch Peach. Peach forgives her dad for tracking mud into the house, and Mario says that he’s wondering where Bowser was. The story ends with Bowser moping about his blimp that Peach destroyed.

“The Kingdom Enquirer” (Super Mario Bros. V1I2)
Toad gets a job working for the Mushroom Kingdom newspaper, the Kingdom Enquirer. Mario goes on a special mission for the King (to get him enough Coins in World 1-3 to fix his money problem), and Toad follows him there. Mario is aggravated by Toad’s thinking of the easy mission as a chilling story (and making it into a newspaper story is a bad idea, since the Koopas would read it and find out), and deserts the Mushroom. Toad tries to follow him, but meets up with two Hammer Brothers. When he lets it slip that he’s a reporter, the Hammer Brothers think of it as a great opportunity to become famous. Toad tries to tell them he doesn’t want to write about them, but then they start slipping their most embarrasing secrets. Several Koopa Troopas, Paratroopas, and Bullet Bills come by and join in the secret-spilling fun, talking about the bad things they’ve done to Bowser. Mario turns up and the Koopas take it as an opportunity to get him. Toad changes the subject back to his story that he’s now finished and tells one of the Paratroopas to take it to the Kingdom Enquirer. Just after he starts, Toad explains to everyone that his story is titled “The Trouble With Troopas”, because that’s all the bad guys have talked about, letting it be known that he wouldn’t want to be in their shoes when Bowser reads that story. The bad guys immediately try to stop the Paratroopa from delivering Toad’s story, but he’s getting a nice tailwind, so he’ll be there in no time. The story ends with Mario begging Toad to give him some more of the embarrasing/anti-Bowser secrets these Troopas have let slip.

“Bedtime For Drain-Head” (Super Mario Bros. V1I3)
Mario, having spent three whole days reading Dirk Drain-Head comic books, goes off to sleep when Luigi rushes in to tell him that Bowser has kidnapped Toad. Mario just pulls the covers up, and Luigi runs out, telling him he’s got 10 minutes to wake up. When Luigi returns eight minutes later with Peach, they discover that Mario is sleepwalking as Dirk Drain-Head, and when he does this, he disappears for hours. Just then, Mario rushes off toward Bowser’s Castle to rescue Toad (who Mario thinks is Dirk’s comedic sidekick), with Luigi and Peach in pursuit. Mario beats up all the enemies and finds Bowser (who Mario thinks is Pipe Ooze, Dirk’s arch-enemy) and Toad. Instead of taking Bowser down, Mario captures him and takes him (and Toad) back to Mushroom Castle. Luigi and Peach return just in time to see Bowser serving grape sodas to everyone (“Just keep that nut with the plunger away from me”). King Toadstool is pretty indebted to Mario for capturing Bowser and gives him a hearty slap, waking him up. Bowser is furious that Mario had captured him single-handedly in his sleep, and storms off. Then Mario asks “So when are we going to rescue Toad?” and everyone else storms off, since he already rescued Toad. Left alone, Mario makes himself comfy on the throne and reads another Dirk comic.

“Love Flounders” (Super Mario Bros. V1I3)
Mario is forced to skip a Bowling For Pasta tournament to go on  a mission for Peach. He reluctantly dons a Frog Suit and heads for Ocean Side to fulfill his mission: get the rare chuckberries for Peach’s breakfast cereal. He isn’t enjoying it one bit, and it gets even worse when he runs into his old foe Stanley the Talking Fish again. Stanley wants Mario to date his ex-girlfriend Bertha so he [Stanley] can go out with his new girl, Smookers the Jelectro. Mario at first refuses, but when Stanley says he’ll leave him alone if he does it, Mario agrees, only to then find out that Bertha is a Big Bertha! Bertha (and the mini-Bertha that lives in her mouth) chase Mario through a school of Jelectros, but Mario eventually escapes them, and then catches sight of the chuckberries. Before he can grab them, though, a gang of male fish try to tell him that he MUST et together with Bertha, because they’re not doing it. Mario says “That’s your problem!”, and then grabs a handful of chuckberries from Stanley, who was trying to give them to Smookers. Mario outswims the fish, but before he can consider his mission accomplished, Bertha appears again and kisses him, taking away his Frog Suit power. Bertha, heartbroken, leaves, but Mario gives her the chuckberries and tells her that he’ll come back for lunch next week and say nasty things about Stanley. Bertha agrees to hurt Stanley (who Smookers just dumped) a lot in the meantime. Mario heads back, trying to figure out how he’s going to explain this to Peach. She winds up sending him to World 5-2 for some bi-carb crystals because she ate his bowling ball.

“Beauty and the Beach” (Super Mario Bros. V1I4)
It’s the summer issue! Mario, Peach, and one very seasick Toad are stranded on a little boat in the middle of the ocean. They get attacked by some Trouters, but the boat then washes up on a nearby uncharted island. Their clothes get wet. They meet up with the Mushroom Islander, Moonfungie, whose boss says that they should wear dry clothes on the island. The good guys change into their unsatisfying swimsuits (Peach’s bathing suit has no ruffles, Mario’s makes him feel silly, and Toad’s uncomfortable in his oversized baggies). In all this, they can’t figure out who “The Boss” is, despite all the statues and merchandise on the island. They look around and see all the islanders throwing bombs into the volcano, so that it will erupt and scare away the Trouters, so the islanders can go surfing again. At this point, “The Boss” is revealed, and he turns out to be – BOWSER! (“That’s ‘Ka-Hoopa’ to you, bud.”) Bowser (who ditches his Hawaiin getup, since he hates anything louder than him) explains to Mario, Peach, and Toad that the volcano eruption will turn all the islanders into Fryguys (he has a shortage of them right now). With that, Bowser leaves, saying “My burning inferno is your burning inferno.” With the volcano set to blow up in five minutes, Mario gets to work building a water pump out of bamboo. Four minutes later, Mario gets the pipe working, and it cools down the lava. Bowser watches all this from his boat and throws a fit, angry that he has lost again. The islanders learn that jacuzzis are more important than surfing.

“Fins And Roses” (Super Mario Bros. V1I4)
Wendy O Koopa sits out in the middle of Ocean Side with a full arsenal (which she took from Bowser without permission), ready to destroy Mario. Just as she’s making a checklist, who should appear but Stanley the Talking Fish! Stanley falls for her, and takes one of her bombs, thinking it’s a gift. Wendy dives down after him, only to be punted back up to her chari by Bertha. Wendy tries blowing Stanley to fishsticks with her missile launcher, but he goes back down. Wendy jumps back underwater, armed with her launcher, only to discover that Stanley arranged a whole orchestra for her. Wendy tries shooting at everything, but then Bertha reappears and destroys the launcher for “shooting at that beauuuutiful orchestra Stanley got for me”. Stanley goes up and makes himself comfy on Wendy’s chair, and then Wendy gets kicked up by Bertha again, landing right on Stanley. Just then, Wendy sees Mario swimming up, and prepares to shoot a rocket at him, but then Stanley gets in the way and says “If we’re going to marry, what’s your name?” Now Wendy is so angry that she sacrifices shooting Mario just to “make the world a better place by removing Stanley from it”. The rocket follows after Stanley and hits both him AND Bertha. After a little conversation of forgiveness between the two fish, Bertha kicks the bomb back up, and it blows up on Wendy. Mario finds Wendy, who tells him of her crisis with Stanley, so Mario declares a ten-minute truce to buy some Koopa Kola and say mean and nasty things about Stanley.

“Duh Stoopid Bomb!” (Super Mario Bros. V1I5)
Toad goes to Bowser’s castle disguised as a pink Shyguy to spy on his newest weapon – the Stupid Bomb! This purple-colored bomb makes any person it hits “reaaaaally stupid for hours”. Toad’s cover is almost blown when Bowser realizes that the “Shyguy” gave him plain Koopa Kola instead of the crunchy kind. Toad ditches his disguise and steals the Stupid Bomb prototype from the Snifit who invented it by “offering” to hold it for him. He brings the Stupid Bomb back to Mushroom Castle only to drop it, making everyone really stupid (except for King Toadstool, since he’s already really stupid to begin with). Mario and Luigi go off to attack Bowser (which isn’t a very good idea at the time), while King Toadstool argues with Wooster about his stupidity. Over in World 2-1 (which is where Mario and Luigi are headed), the Snifit gives an army of Shyguys their own Stupid Bombs, but one accidentally drops his and makes everyone stupid, and therefore good guys. The Bros. show up, and the Snifit gives them more Stupid Bombs, so the Marios leave, thinking they’ve won. The Snifit realizes his mistake and reports to Bowser about it. Instead of blowing his stack, Bowser says that’s what he wanted, and shows off his antidote: the Smart Bombs, which counteract the effect of the Stupid Bomb. The Snifit accidentally drops them all and becomes even smarter than Bowser. He takes over the Koopas and sends Bowser to the Fryguy Kindergarten. Later that day, the effects of the Stupid Bomb wear off on the good guys, but then Mario and Luigi set off one of theirs, and they’re back where they started, only there’s no worry about being attacked, since the Shyguys are too stupid to do so.

“Cloud Burst” (Super Mario Bros. V1I5)
Princess Peach’s crown is missing, and if she can’t find it in time for Re-Coronation Day, she can’t be Princess Peach Toadstool for another year (and King Toadstool’s too stupid to rule by himself). Toad runs in to warn everyone about Bowser’s army in World 3. Peach sends the Mario Bros. to attack Bowser’s army, thinking Bowser stole the crown. They head off, commenting that sometimes Peach and Bowser remind them (respectively) of Pauline. Meanwhile, in World 3, Bowser’s has a problem that someone is stealing his gold, and his crown. The thief is a traitorous Lakitu, who has both Bowser’s gold AND Peach’s crown. Just as Bowser’s army exits, Mario and Luigi appear. Mario runs away from Lakitu’s Spiny Eggs, but Luigi winds up face-to-face with the cloud-riding turtle. Luigi tries to keep Lakitu distracted from throwing Spiny Eggs at Mario, all the while Lakitu steals Luigi’s clothes. Mario suddenly finds himself face-to-face with his foe, who’s wearing a rather nice hat to temporarily replace his crown (he’s a bit sensitive about his bald head). Bowser demands that Mario tell him where his crown is. Up above, Lakitu is making an underpanted Luigi stack coins for him when Fluffy, the cloud, jolts, because he saw Bowser, whom they’re supoosed to report to. Luigi sees his brother’s predicament, and pulls the escape hatch, taking Fluffy out, which in turns causes all the gold to fall down and konk out Bowser. Mario and Luigi find Peach’s crown, and return to Grassland to give it back to Peach.

“Betrayal Most Proper” (Nintendo Comics System V1I2)
Wooster doesn’t like King Toadstool’s new neon crown, so he resigns and leaves. Mario says he’ll go convince him to come back, but King Toadstool says no. (Mario: “How are you going to make decisions without Wooster?” King: “Don’t insult my intelligence! Uh… where’s Wooster? I gotta ask him about this.”) Toad rushes in, reporting that Bowser’s troops kidnapped Wooster. Mario and Toad decided to go rescue him, but King Toadstool says no, because he thinks Wooster’s a traitor. They go off anyway, not caring that if they rescue him, they’ll be traitors too. They reach Bowser’s castle, and Toad takes along a pink Shyguy to throw at Bowser. To their shock, they hear Bowser… complimenting Wooster?! They go ahead to save him anyway, and find out that Wooster was fattening Bowser (and the Shyguys) up for hibernation. They leave, but not before Toad tosses the Shyguy at Bowser. They return to Peach’s Castle and discover that Peach is angry at her dad for causing Wooster to resign.

“The Buddy System” (Super Mario Bros. V1I6)
The pipes in the Mushroom Castle’s basement are exploding violently, and Mario and Luigi are trying to figure out the problem. Mario finds one of Bowser’s sneakers and goes off to find him. He finds Bowser, who’s trying to flood the underground world, but they both get blown away by Bowser’s idiot son, Lemmy. They are captured and handcuffed by the Mousers from “A Mouser In The Houser”, who think Mario’s the brains of the outfit. Bowser objects, saying it was his idea, since he wanted to start a taxi service. The Mousers show them the water main, but wind up blowing it up with short-fused bombs. The explosion floods the underground world. Mario tries to get Bowser to help him turn the emergency bypass valve, but Bowser would rather try to find an exit. But because the water has reached a certain level, the pipes have shut down. The two foes have to work together (with Bowser wearing a plumber’s hat) to turn the valve. They do so, and go back to the overworld. They try to fight to the finish, but then Lemmy shows up and drops a bomb, blowing the handcuffs off. Bowser chases Lemmy back to Darkland, and Mario heads back for Mushroom Castle to go to sleep, only to see that everyone’s having a party because they think Luigi stopped the plumbing problem.

“It’s Always Fair Weather” (Super Mario Bros. V1I6)
(Please note that this story takes place before Super Mario Bros. 3.) It’s the Mushroomland Annual Fair, and Luigi is stuck having to play Bowser at the “Douse the Bowser” dunking booth. Basically, the object is to throw a ball at the target, causing “Bowser” to fall into the pool. Up above, in a small green helicopter (NOT the Koopa Clown Car), Bowser (and the Dry Bones who's steering the copter) are watching through a tan parascope. Bowser catches sight of the dunking booth and gets really ticked off, determined to get revenge. Meanwhile, Mario eats all the cake in the baking contest that he’s judging, and declares a four-way tie. He goes to the Royal Garden, picks a toothpick from a plant species labeled “Magic Leaf Raccoonia”, and then goes into the mirror room of the Fun House and discovers that he’s just gotten Raccoon Power for the first time. Not far away, Bowser gets ticked off by some Mushrooms calling him “Luigi”. And he’s real determined to make the fair miserable! Si he creates a tornado from his helicopter blades, which he traps the hot-air balloonists in. At that point, Mario and King Toadstool come out of the Flora Show and catch sight of the tornado that’s trapped all the hot-air balloonists. Using his new-found flying power, Mario takes off into the air for the first time and rescues the hot-air balloonists. Peach gives her hero a sweet kiss, which gives him huge swooning. He suddenly bumps right into Bowser and loses his raccoon power. It doesn’t cost him the power to make Bowser fly, so Mario starts up a tornado that picks Bowser up and drops him into the dunking pool, and then Mario gives Luigi the rest of the day off (and the chance to take off his costume).

Super Mario Bros. are cool like sunglasses!