What did the spud lover do before it went to bed?
It set its alarm for eight -- so it would get a potato clock.
What did the girl ocean say when the boy ocean asked her for a date?
Shore.
Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
He couldn't control his pupils.
Gene Kelly made An American In Paris in the studios in Hollywood. The next year he decided to make a film which this time would be shot on location in Paris. So he went over there with the camera crew, and the first scene called for Gene Kelly to ring the bell in the belfry at Notre Dame Cathedral. He pulled on the rope and pulled and pulled and got carried away, failing to notice that the bell had come loose from its casters. It fell out of the belfry, pulling the rope, with Gene Kelly still hanging on, into the river below. Improvising as best he could under the circumstances, Kelly treaded water and kept on pulling the rope. The director in the belfry above heard a ringing, gurgling sound down below and called down with his megaphone to ask what was going on down there. Kelly replied, "I'm ringing in the Seine!"
What can you sit on, brush your teeth with, and eat soup with?
A chair, a toothbrush, and a spoon.
Did you hear about the imaginary tree?
It was mapleleaf.
So, I saw this friend of mine today. He was sitting in a chair, holding a bag of candy drops, and crying. So I asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Because I'm thinking of all these sad things," he said.
"But why?" I asked.
"Because I want to make myself cry," he said.
"Why would you do that?" I asked.
"Because I want to open this candy bag!" he said.
"How is crying going to help you open the bag?" I asked.
"It says here," he said, pointing to the bag, "Tear here!"
What kind of monkey can fly?
A hot air baboon.