I had to write my biography today. So I did.
I was born in a log cabin I built with my own two hands, in the state of Californiaiaiaia, founded by my great-grandfather Georgewashingham von Lincoln. My birth name is Commodore (yes I was born with a title) James Battlehammer Hadron the third, but I just go by Austin. I grew up following my scientist father Dr. Benton Hadron around the world, with our bodyguard Race, my adopted Indian brother Hadji, and my dog Bandit. Actually that’s a lie. I stayed in Californiaiaiaia, and trained myself fighting dinosaurs using only my bare hands (and a shoelace).
When I hit the ripe age of 17, I was a battle-hardened soldier with a sweet jacket made of shotgun shells and duct tape. It was around this time I heard of the conflict between famous writers (like Ernest Hemmingway and John Stienbeck, and to a lesser extent, JK Rowling) and a rouge faction of arctic frost gnomes trying to resurrect their king, Walt Disney. This marked the beginning of the era known as the Cold War (on account of the frost gnomes). Determined not to let the frost gnomes succeed, I tried to enlist in the Famous Writer Army, but they wouldn’t let me in (but they let in Stephanie Meyer. Seriously?). Undaunted, I decided to publish a famous book. Spending all of five minutes, I wrote a short story called War and Peace, and published it under my pen name of Leo Tolstoy. Apparently it was a big hit or something, and I was allowed to join the Famous Writer Army. I was placed in the Vulture Squadron, with the heavy weapons expert William Shakespeare and the field medic Dr. Suess, whom I owe my life to, seeing as he removed the deadly Glorguns from my organs.
The conflict went on for several years, and I lost an eye in the process (I found it in my canteen not too long after). Countless authors and frost gnomes lost their lives. But mostly authors. That’s why most of the famous ones are dead. Soon, our forces were down to me, Willie, Dr. Suess, and the sniper Emily Dickinson (she didn’t like being near people). We finally decided to out with a bang, and launched a full invasion upon the frost gnome stronghold of Walt Disney World. We fought valiantly, but were unable to prevent the frost gnome mages from resurrecting Walt Disney as a giant robot frost golem with a mustache (and a really nice suit). He struck down my entire squadron with one swing of his monorail arm. I lay in the Floridian snow, barely clinging on to life, when I was visited by the raven of the great Norse god Odin. It whispered a sacred song to me, and I suddenly gained the strength of Fifty Vikings (and a tech support dude from 1997)! With this newfound power, I turned into a mighty dragon with the power to breathe bazookas that fired axes. After a mighty clash that leveled the entire state of Flordia, Robofrostgolem Walt Disney fell, returning to his grave beneath the Matterhorn. I was victorious, and had saved the world. Returning to my humanoid form, I shed a single tear for all the authors who had given their lives (except Stephanie Meyer. I didn’t miss her). Then I bought a house somewhere in Southern Californiaiaiaia, and fell in love…with the prospect of frying strips of pork to a crispy deliciousness.
And that’s how I invented bacon.