Does anyone else wonder if Billy Mays' entire funeral will be yelled? Or if other notable infomercial spokespersons will attend? Or if his relatives speak with a similar demeanor to himself? It's pretty easily imaginable, really...
"HI! HERBERT MAYS HERE FOR BILLY MAYS' EULOGY. ALTHOUGH THE MAN MAY BE GONE, HIS PRODUCTS ARE CERTAINLY NOT. IN FACT, BILLY HAS A SPECIAL, POSTMORTAL DEAL FOR EVERYONE ATTENDING OR WATCHING, RIGHT NOW: IF YOU ORDER A BOTTLE OF OXICLEAN WITHIN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES, WE'LL THROW IN AN AUTHENTIC STRAND OF BILLY'S HAIR, YOURS ABSOLUTELY FREE WITH THIS SPECIAL TV OFFER! JUST PAY SHIPPING AND HANDLING EXTRA. SPEAKING OF "OFFER", BILLY'S CLOSE FRIEND AND FELLOW PITCH SALESMAN, VINCE, WOULD LIKE TO SHARE A FEW WORDS."
"Hey. Vince here with Billy Mays' extended family, here to mourn the loss and remember the legacy of one of the greatest salespeople ever to sell mediocre cleaning agents to the television-watching public. You know, occasions like this can really bring a tear to one's eye. What better to dry your tears with than this here ShamWow? It's like a handkerchief, it's like a tissue, it's like a sponge. Look! Just like that, the tears, along with any other bodily fluids in the surrounding area, are virtually gone. Why enbalm your loved ones the old-fashioned way when you can mummify them in one of these new, plus-sized ShamWows? It's made in Germany; you know the Germans always make good World Wars stuff. The new ShamWow XXL is just $29.95! Order yours today!
If there's one thing I knew for sure about Billy, it's that he loved my nuts. He had me saying "Wow!" every time. Thanks."