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Messages - dc804

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General Chat / Re: reading
« on: October 21, 2009, 12:49:30 PM »
SNAPE KILLED the mood when he walked in on Harry and Ginny.

General Chat / Re: reading
« on: October 20, 2009, 08:52:04 PM »
Brian, this is an exercise in self-control. Highlighting the below text will spoil the remainder of 1984 for you.

Winston finally succumbs to the Party's absolute control by coming to the realization that "he loved Big Brother" just before his implied execution. O'Brien is actually a government agent who imprisons and tortures Winston and Julia, the latter of whom is never heard from again.

Can you contain yourself?
My turn to make a self-control exercise.

Everyone, this is an exercise in self-control. Highlighting the below text will spoile the Dark Tower series for you.

DT1: Roland lets Jake die.
DT2: When Jake died in this world, he was pushed into the street by a man in black. Not the man in black. Which is how he got to Roland's world.
DT3: Jake comes back to life.
DT4: Roland kills his mom. He saw Rhea (evil witch) in a mirror, turned around, shot her four times, and it turned out to be his mother and not Rhea.
DT6: Roland is the father of Susannah's baby.
DT7: Roland gets to the top of the tower. He opens the door to the room at the top. When he opens it, he sees a desert. He is sucked inside there, and he ends up back in the desert, chasing the man in black, where the first book begins. So he has to start all over again.
Little Sisters of Eluria: The nurses are vampires.

General Chat / reading
« on: October 20, 2009, 01:33:49 PM »
Do you read regularly. I mean novels and short stories, not the internet. Just finished Stephen King's The Dark Tower series and am now reading Catcher in the Rye.

What about you?

Not at the Dinner Table / Re: Obama wins a Nobel Peace Prize
« on: October 19, 2009, 07:16:22 PM »
Amazing. I post one joke and Rule 34 begins.

Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose
« on: October 19, 2009, 05:21:44 PM »
OK who else turns up porn really loud and bangs their headboard against the wall, so that the neighbours think you have an exciting sex life?

Just me again then.

Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose
« on: October 19, 2009, 12:50:41 PM »
Porn- One of the only industries where women get paid more.
But they still manage to get ****ed over by men.

You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.

A boy came running into his house to his mum excitedly yelling, "Mum, mum, we're sitting round the neighbour's watching porn!"

Mum: "WHAT!!?"

Boy: "Relax, mum! It's child porn!"

Forum Games / Re: You Groan, You Lose
« on: October 18, 2009, 10:14:26 AM »
Counting stuff using the 'pencil-marks-on-paper' method has been outlawed in Afghanistan.

...because of the tally ban.

Not at the Dinner Table / Re: Obama wins a Nobel Peace Prize
« on: October 18, 2009, 10:12:51 AM »
Well [darn] near everyone on my joke site steals jokes.

The only ones they didn't steal are the absolute worst ones. Such as the 9/11, racist, rape, and death jokes. Only the people on there would dare to make jokes about that stuff.

Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose
« on: October 17, 2009, 09:38:54 PM »
You know that line your not meant to cross?
For me, that's the starting line.


If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it r--screw it, that joke is the oldest prostitute joke out there.

I slept with one of those 'high class' prostitutes the other week. I'm not happy though, the ***** gave me lobsters.

A man staying at a hotel removed a card offering sexual services from a nearby phone box. Back in his hotel room he rang the number and a woman with a silky soft voice asked if she could be of assistance.
"Yes" he said. "I'd like a doggie in bondage gear, leather, PVC, whips, the lot. And then some hardcore spanking, rounded off with a blow job. What do you think?"
The woman said, "That sounds really good and I'd like to oblige, but if you press 9 first you'll get an outside line."

A man on his way home from the pub decides to take a short-cut through an unlit park.

A woman approaches him and offers to **** his brains out for £5.

The man thinks to himself that this is a chance too good to miss, so hands over the £5.

She leads him into a bush and they get under way.

A policeman happens to pass by, hears them at it and notices the bush shaking.

He approaches, shines his torch on the pair and asks the man what he's doing.

The man replies calmly, "I'm just having sex with my wife, officer. Do you mind?"

The officer responds, "I'm sorry, sir, I didn't realise it was your wife."

The man quickly replies, "That's quite alright, officer - until you shone your torch on her face, neither did I."

Forum Games / Re: You Groan, You Lose
« on: October 16, 2009, 09:31:15 PM »
I paid a kid to do my geometry homework. Part of it was to draw a ninety degree angle. ****er drew a forty degree angle. Oh well, I guess that if I wanted it drawn right, I should have done it myself. It wasn't too bad though. He drew an angle that could talk. I thought it was a cute angle.

Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose
« on: October 16, 2009, 07:49:18 PM »
those games

No, you have the right idea. Please take note of this post and you will see why.

Forum Games / Re: You Groan, You Lose
« on: October 16, 2009, 01:06:23 PM »
I found this, I think it should win the thread

Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose
« on: October 16, 2009, 01:04:47 PM »
I found this, I think it should win the thread

Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose
« on: October 14, 2009, 05:13:31 PM »

Why do men die first? This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but, now we know. It requires a bit of explanation.

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there's never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favouritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, its male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an insensitive *******.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If SHE asks you, it's a favour.
If you appreciate the female form and sexy underwear, you're a pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

Why do men die first?

Because they want to!

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