-sits down and starts telling a story-
I almost died today. Actually I didn't almost die it seemed like I about did. Lemme tell you what happened. I was scheduled to fly from Dallas to Austin because appearently my manager doesn't own a globe. They put me on a plane that big -shows size using thumb and index finger-.It was like a pack of gum with eight people in it. We were traveling at half the speed of smell. We got passed by a kite.There was a goose behind us, and the pilot was screaming "Go around!" Half way through the flight we got to turn around and go back. It was a nine minute flight, can't pull it off. Actually we had some engine trouble during the flight and they had to tell us over the intercom which was pretty stupid because they could've just said, "Hey were losing some oil pressure". Everyone on the plane was losing it except for me because I'd been drinking since lunch and didn't care. I was like 'Take it down I don't care. Hit something hard I don't wanna limp away from this piece of crap. The guy sitting next to me is losing his mind. Appearently he had alot to live for. He says to me, " Hey huh, if one engine fails us how far will the other take us?" All the way to the scene of the crash. I bet we beat the paramedics by half an hour.
Waiter can you bring me a scotch?
