Twisted Fairy Tales
By Nick Grimsic
Once upon a time there was a little boy. Lets say his name was, ahh…, Floyd. Yeah, his name was Floyd. Anyway, Floyd's job was sit on top of a hill all day long and keep a watch over a big group of foul smelling sheep. Because if he didn't watch them, they would be eaten by wolves. But even if a wolf did come anywhere near the flock, little Floyd shaking his sheparding stick sure wouldn't stop any wolf. So if he saw one, it was his duty to scream "Wolf!" at the top of his lungs, and a group of angry, drunken townsfolk would come up to kill and eat the wolf.
Now there weren't a whole lot of wolves in the village, as most of them focused on the other livestock that nobody bothered to look after. So Floyd had little more to do all day than throw rock at squirells or try and get the sheep to learn tricks. Or he just did what came natural, and worked himself like a bike pump behind a tree. So one day, he was so sick and tired of doing the same stuff, he just shouted "Wolf! Wolf!"
And as if they had been drilled for it all their lives, all the drunken townsfolk ran up with knives and pitchforks to butcher the wolf and make themselves crude fur coats with the poo smeared hide of a wolf. But there was no wolf. So Thomas, the biggest, angriest, and most drunk of the townsfolk (thereby making him the leader) said "Floyd, if you ever drag us away from our peaceful, simple townsfolk lives in the village for no reason again, we'll be forced to give you a swift and severe beating."
Since Floyd knew that none of them would remember this incident by the next day, he decided he could get away with it again. So at noon the next day, Floyd got up onto his sheparding rock and shouted "Wolf! Omigod I'm serious this time! It's eating the sheep! Come quick!" So again, the townsfolk dashed up to the village, hoping to catch a glimpse of the wolf and have a great time tearing into tiny, unrecognizable pieces. And were they upset when they found there was no wolf.
So again, wise, strong Thomas said in his deep, drunken slur, "Floyd, if you do this one more time, we'll be forced to beat you to death and eat your guts and rape your parents!" And from the mob came a resounding "Yeah, we'll kill ya'!" And so Floyd sat down on his sheparding hill and thought to himself "This is getting sort of old. I suppose I'll do it just once tomorrow." And so, the next day, Floyd stood under his sheparding tree, sucked in as much air as he could, and screamed at the top of his lungs "Good God! It's the biggest wolf I've ever seen! I hope a whole bunch of drunken bufoons run up here and save my disgusting sheep!"
Well, Floyd leaned against the tree and smirked. But his little moment of glory was short lived. A moment later, Geoff, the fattest man in the village, lept from the tree, smashing Floyd into the ground. Before he could recover from the impact, Geoof had moved, and all the townsfolk ran out from behind the shrubery and trees of the hill. They had planned this ambush, and within seconds they were upon him. They withdrew their muskets and pitchforks and proceded to injure Floyd to the fullest of their ability. They tore off several of his limbs and beat his bleeding torso.
Then they had their usual drunken fun
of killing random people.
But then the fun began to wear on their appetites. So they began to tear into Floyd's cold, still living flesh. It was said that Floyd's screams of fear and pain could be heard from miles and miles away on that fateful day.
The moral of the story? Drunken towsnfolk suck.
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That sick tale is from GrimSack's very own site!More of "Nick's Fairy Tales"
to come!
"This hand of mine is
burning red!It's loud roar tells me to grasp victory!
Erupting Burning Finger!"-Domon Kashu
"Humor,God's Greatest invention."-Dark Lord Janus
"I am the guardian of the
forest.I am the guardian of the swamp.I am half bear,half
frog."-BearFrog
