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106
Not at the Dinner Table / Re: The Door (joke about serious issues here)
« on: August 10, 2009, 10:12:59 PM »I've long figured dc has dirtyjokes.co.uk on Favorites.I have never heard of that site. I get my material from sickipedia.org.
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108
Not at the Dinner Table / Re: The Door (joke about serious issues here)
« on: August 10, 2009, 08:17:15 PM »Just wait until dc804 ctaches wind of this... "discussion". The man will have a field day.Heck yes!
I took my girlfriend for an abortion today. Apparently its considered bad manners to pass round a bag of jelly babies in the waiting room. Ungrateful slags.
A woman gives birth, and a nurse takes the baby into an adjacent room to clean it up. She re-enters and approaches the mother, the babe wrapped up in a towel in her arms.
"Congratulations," she says. "It's a healthy baby girl." As she says this, she accidentally drops the baby, which promptly lands right on its squishy noggin.
"My baby!" screams the mother.
"Don't worry, I'll get it!" smiles the nurse.
However, she unfortunately stumbles and places her foot right on the baby's face, before accidentally kicking it across the room. It hits the wall with a sickening crack before the nurse runs over to it, peels it off the floor and throws it out of the window.
"What are you doing?!" yells the mother.
"April Fools!" replies the nurse. "It was already dead!"
I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night.
It turns out they get really angry when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.
109
Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose
« on: August 09, 2009, 04:32:06 PM »
You know you've got a problem when every letter of the alphabet triggers a porn bonanza in your address bar.
Is it just me, or would you kill people for the kind of download speed that girl from the piracy ad's getting?
Who else's heart skips for a split second when your girlfriend asks to use your computer?
Is it just me, or would you kill people for the kind of download speed that girl from the piracy ad's getting?
Who else's heart skips for a split second when your girlfriend asks to use your computer?
110
Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose
« on: August 09, 2009, 01:49:40 AM »
That sucks. Time to look for new material.
111
Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose
« on: August 09, 2009, 01:08:40 AM »
My job is so ****ing unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wannabe chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but [darn] is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the ****ing stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big ****ing dog to work.
Every ****ing day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single ****ing day.
Anyway, I drive these ****tards around in my van and we solve mysteries and [dukar].
First, there is this supermodel wannabe chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but [darn] is she completely useless.
The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.
She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.
She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.
Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.
I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.
I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the ****ing stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.
In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.
He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.
He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big ****ing dog to work.
Every ****ing day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.
Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.
Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single ****ing day.
Anyway, I drive these ****tards around in my van and we solve mysteries and [dukar].
112
General Chat / Re: Stuck in your head?
« on: August 08, 2009, 08:56:58 PM »
Currently, Gimme Three Steps by Lynyrd Skynyrd is stuck in my head.
113
General Chat / Re: Peeing in the shower?
« on: August 08, 2009, 08:39:32 PM »
I used to do it in almost every shower but stopped because I thought it was weird. I haven't done it in a while. Now that I know most people do it thanks to this thread, I may do it again once in a while.
114
Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose
« on: August 08, 2009, 03:42:10 PM »
3 in the bed and the little one said:
"Stop touching me there"
------------------------
Isn't it annoying when you accidentally drop something like a bread crumb into your keyboard and you have to get ighhghghghghhghghbhbhghgbhbhbggggggggggggh
------------------------
Hey girls. When your boyfriend/husband is begging to **** you up the arse and he says "take it like a man", it means he is gay.
------------------------
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She called Four Horse".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean,
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"
"Stop touching me there"
------------------------
Isn't it annoying when you accidentally drop something like a bread crumb into your keyboard and you have to get ighhghghghghhghghbhbhghgbhbhbggggggggggggh
------------------------
Hey girls. When your boyfriend/husband is begging to **** you up the arse and he says "take it like a man", it means he is gay.
------------------------
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She called Four Horse".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean,
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"
115
Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose
« on: August 08, 2009, 12:30:35 AM »A duck dressing up like a seagull. That is what I call sneaky.
SNEAKIEST DUCK EVER
118
Not at the Dinner Table / Re: Extremely Important Issues For Adults (please leave all joking at the door)
« on: August 06, 2009, 09:01:10 PM »
I think that this should happen for ten or fifteen years. I don't care because I am not planning to have kids. This is the first, last and only time I will ever say this, but if the government decides to make us all sterile, they should cover it up so all of the religious freaks don't freak out and start complaining about how god is the one to decide whether or not we have children. But while sterilizing us, who knows what else they will do in the process. Stick mind reading discs into the skull, or tracking chips under the skin. On second though, I think it is a bad idea for the government to sterilize everyone.
119
Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose
« on: August 06, 2009, 05:43:10 PM »
My girlfriend showed me a pregnancy test she took last night, and the result was positive.
I said, "Should we keep it?"
"No point" she replied, "You can only use them once."
...
Like a lot of people, I spend about 10 unnecessary minutes in the shower.
About 9 of them are spent giggling at the surface runoff at the end of my penis which makes it look like I'm taking a ****.
...
On the train today, someone asked me what's in my briefcase.
I told him that inside it was a smaller briefcase.
"And what's in that?" he asked.
I said "there's a succession of briefcases, each one smaller than the last".
"And what's in the smallest one?" he asked.
"Child porn."
...
My girlfriend told me last night that she hates me when I'm drunk.
I said, "Good, because I ****ing hate you when I'm not."
...
I’m starting to suspect my girlfriend’s not been straight with me.
She’s got a six inch ****oris and her name’s Kevin.
I said, "Should we keep it?"
"No point" she replied, "You can only use them once."
...
Like a lot of people, I spend about 10 unnecessary minutes in the shower.
About 9 of them are spent giggling at the surface runoff at the end of my penis which makes it look like I'm taking a ****.
...
On the train today, someone asked me what's in my briefcase.
I told him that inside it was a smaller briefcase.
"And what's in that?" he asked.
I said "there's a succession of briefcases, each one smaller than the last".
"And what's in the smallest one?" he asked.
"Child porn."
...
My girlfriend told me last night that she hates me when I'm drunk.
I said, "Good, because I ****ing hate you when I'm not."
...
I’m starting to suspect my girlfriend’s not been straight with me.
She’s got a six inch ****oris and her name’s Kevin.
120
Forum Games / Re: You Laugh, You Lose
« on: August 06, 2009, 02:59:45 PM »
My wife said that my immaturity may eventually erect a barrier between us.
HAHAHA erect.
HAHAHA erect.
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