Hello, I'm writing reviews of episodes of the Nintendo cartoons, and since I have nowhere to post them except TV Tome (I keep sending them my synopsis for my favorite Captain N episode, but they never put it up!) and message boards, I decided to post my Mario cartoon reviews here. First up is the one I was able to do first: "Mario's Magic Carpet", episode 04 of the Super Mario Bros. Super Show.
Now before you read this review, I must warn you that this episode is written by Rowby Goren. And once you see this episode several times, you will realize that Goren SUCKS at writing cartoons!
For the second time on the series, our heroes are looking for someone/something that they think will easily KO Bowser. (The first time was episode 2, "King Mario of Cramalot", which I will review later, and complain about the overused plot of looking for someone or something to take care of Bowser.) And today, it's Aladdin's Magic Lamp. So that's why they're out in a hot desert with no supplies and no water. Mario is practically dying of thirst, and because of that, he hallucinates. Peach points out the obvious that they need to ignore the mirages, and thus, the curse of Rowby Goren's Crappy Scriptwriting begins. Toad points out a nearby four-star swimming pool, and everyone discards Peach's advice to wet their whistles. Mario takes a jump off the diving board, and realizes too early that the swimming pool is actually a trampoline disguised as a swimming pool. That's right, I said "too early", as shown by the fact that Mario says "It's a trap!" before he even hits it. And what's even stupider is that the rest of the team jumps onto the trampoline, maybe to see what Mario's letting himself in for. Peach states the obvious even more by noting that they're heading for "a palace with a flip-up roof". More bad scriptwriting! They land in the throne room of an evil unnamed Sultan who declares that they are now his slaves. Mario says "That's a generus offer, but we'll pass," and they all make a run for the front door, and it's even more amazing when you see that Luigi knows where to run even though his head is stuck in a vase. But they don't even reach the front door, because a big tough guard brushes their path. The Sultan orders that Peach is brought to him while the others are thrown into the dungeon. Apparently, The Sultan wants Peach to do some harem business. Cue the good dialogue for today:
Peach: "Me join a harem? Oh give me a break. Harems are from the stupid olden days."
Sultan: "I LIKE THE STUPID OLDEN DAYS!"
Next, the tough guard pokes Mario, Luigi, and Toad with his staff as he takes them to their cell. Luigi notices some nearby treasures and...
Luigi: "Look at all that loot! Diamonds, gold, rubies! It must be worth over a hundred bucks!"
Luck strikes their path - The Sultan just happens to have possession of the Magic Lamp in that collection. So Mario tells his cohorts that when the guards fall asleep, they'll get out of the dungeon, get the Lamp, get Peach with its help, and get out of this dumb episode.
Did I black out here or something? Because right after Mario blurts the plan to Luigi and Toad, the scene dissolves and they're already in front of the treasure after getting out of the cell. Did it all happen that quick? Or was it a scene originally included in Goren's first draft, but dropped in order to stick to the 12-minute limit of these episodes? The world may never know. Mario walks up to the lamp and observes something that we can't see - it's covered by thick glass. He uses a pizza cutter to cut through the glass. Yes, you too can own your very own Super Pizza Cutter that can cut through other surfaces than pizza, for just $19.95, available from NightMare Enterprises! (At least that's what the commercials would say if NME sold more than just monsters.) Luigi doesn't see what's so magic about this Magic Lamp, since these things are rather common in Doki Doki Panic. Mario tries to tell him that there's a Genie (or is it spelled Djinni?) inside, but Toad notes that the Sultan's Servant is headed their way. They quickly hide as the Servant rushes up like a drug addict to tell his boss that Peach "refuses to wear the harem veils and roller skates". Harem roller skates?! They didn't have roller skates in the stupid olden days! Who hired Rowby Goren to write this episode anyway?! Anyway, the Sultan tells his stooge that since Peach isn't going to cooperate, he's selling her on eBay. The Mario Bros. and Toad overhear this conversation and rush out to the balcony. Actually, the Marios rush out to the balcony, and Toad just stands there like as if he's part of the background.
Luigi still doesn't see how the lamp is magic, so Mario rubs it to show him. Unfortunately, a Robin Williams-voiced Genie doesn't pop out, since Aladdin wished him free. Instead, what they get is a unnamed female Genie who may be voiced by Rosie O'Donnell, as evidenced by her attitude. (Actually, she's voiced by Catherine Gallant.) And she doesn't really look anything like she does in the VHS release box art. Rather she looks like this (
http://www.x-entertainment.com/pics3/mariob25.jpg). Naturally, this doesn't bode well with Mario and Luigi, but they still need her help if they've any chance of rescuing Peach. But what's even stranger than that Super Pizza Cutter is that the Sultan's advertisement for his auction on Peach has reached the ears of all the Mario Villains in less than two minutes, and as Toad alerts them, Bowser just came into this episode, and he's attempting to buy Peach.
Unsuccessfully, I might add. Bowser doesn't have enough to pay the Sultan, so Team Mario could just rush in, grab Peach, and skedaddle before Bowser and the Sultan can take notice. But no. Instead, Mario tries to make a wish to the Genie, whom I've named Rosie for her bad attitude, to create a disturbance large enough to cover their (and Peach's) escape. Rosie fouls up, though, and casts a spell that causes everyone but herself to cover their noses. And what's worse is that while they're all preoccupied with keeping their noses safe, Bowser puts on a gas mask, grabs Peach, and escapes through the window in his hybrid of a limousine and a Magic Carpet (
http://www.x-entertainment.com/pics3/mariob27.jpg) just as Wario and Waluigi are coming in to cast their too-late bid.
Team Mario plus Rosie attempt to chase Bowser down, but after mindless mileage on feet, they finally realize they'll never catch him on foot. Mario makes his second wish to Rosie - to try and get them to fly up after Bowser's carpet. Rosie shows some slapstick by accidentally making them go really high up and then plummet 200 feet down. Fortunately, Rosie standing right under them breaks their fall. They always seem to fall a long way down and somehow not break any bones. Toad points out that that was a stupid wish, so he gets a better idea - check out the "Used Flying Carpet Lots" that Bowser got his limousinepet from.
One scene-switch later, our heroes have spent their hard-earned Coins on the cheapest Magic Carpet they could find. Once again, the VHS box art makes a mistake by drawing it as an SMB2 Magic Carpet with a steering wheel, when in the actual cartoon, it's a hybrid between Archie Andrews's jalopy and a Magic Carpet (
http://www.x-entertainment.com/pics3/mariob29.jpg). Mario says that he's spotted Bowser's carpet, Luigi tells him "Full speed ahead!", and that cues today's featured song: "Magic Carpet Ride" by Steppenwolf. I can actually do a music video of the real song out of this following chase sequence. Up ahead, Bowser stupidly reveals to Peach that he plans to drop her in quicksand. So now Peach knows what Bowser wants to do with her. So why doesn't she just jump out of his limopet now? And don't start sending me e-mails or posting up replies that she'll probably die from such a high jump, because she's a video game character, and video game characters do not die from falling a long way unless there's nothing to land on. Maybe that's how they're always in one piece when they land from a high drop. But anyway, Peach is too stupid to just get out of there while she still can.
Behind, Team Mario's jalopypet catches up, but Luigi worries about what will happen if Bowser finds out they've been on his tail for the last minute. Mario tells Toad to shake up all the dust in the jalopypet and disguise it as a big purple cloud. Rosie winds up sneezing the disguise away, but Mario stretches his arm out to wave to Peach, who tries to trick Bowser into thinking she sneezed. But Bowser isn't fooled by that, because right after she ends the alibi, he checks his rear view mirror (like any good driver would) and discovers that Team Mario is right behind him. So he drives over to the aforementioned badly-drawn quicksand pit and dumps Peach into it. I still don't see why she couldn't just jump out before Bowser reached the pit. What's even stupider is that the quicksand is up to her neck in one cel and then up to her chest in the next. As Peach shows how horrible Jeannie Elias is at voicing her, Bowser laughs at her and says that she can't save her Kingdom from there. Well, it's nice to see at least he's reading the SMB instruction manual, unlike Peach herself, and the show's staff. But Bowser's not gonna take any chances. He knows Mario will rescue her, so he takes out his carpet phone and calls the Pidgit Express, ordering for a dozen Pidgits to come and eat up Mario's jalopypet.
Mario swoops the carpet down and grabs the whining Peach, saving her from certain death and hopefully earning some lip-to-nose *** later on. But just when they think the day is won and they can shoot down Bowser in a big midair chase, eight of the twelve Pidgits that Bowser ordered for come in (the other four stopped for beer and drank too much) and begin to munch away at the jalopypet. Apparently, Mario claims that carpet is Pidgit's favorite food. So why do Pidgits ride on their dinner in Super Mario Bros. 2? Bowser does some out-of-the-script farting in their general direction, because they'll soon go crashing to the ground. Rosie decides she's had enough of this episode, goes back into her lamp, and zooms off. So now Team Mario is in a dire live-or-die situation. What do they do? Simple. Luigi suddenly remembers that he can speak the Pidgit language (they apparently speak only their names like Pokémon), so he picks one up and tells it that Bowser's limousinepet runs on LSD. The Pidgit tells this to his seven cohorts, and they fly off and start sinking their teeth into Bowser's carpet. Bowser manages to shoo the pesky birds away, but Team Mario laughs really hard at him, because his limousinepet is now in even worse shape than their jalopypet. What's more, Rosie lands in his passenger seat and says she's gonna make his life miserable. Mario looks ahead in the schedule and sees that they don't have anything to do tomorrow, since Link and Zelda will be occupying the cartoon time, so he asks Peach where they should go for the weekend, and she suggests a carpet cleaner. Good night.
Super Mario Bros. are cool like sunglasses!
