Print

Author Topic: You Laugh, You Lose  (Read 300610 times)

Glorb

  • Banned
« Reply #1185 on: September 26, 2009, 10:14:55 AM »
#1 - Funny
#2 - Funny, but not LOLworthy
#3 - As a clownophobe, I didn't find it that funny
every

« Reply #1186 on: September 27, 2009, 02:38:40 PM »
I was thinking of starting up a small zoo, so I wrote a letter to London Zoo;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a zoo, please send me 2 mongooses."

I thought that didn't sound right so I tried again;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongeese."

Nope, that still didn't sound right;

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me 2 mongi."

Ahh screw it I thought,

"Dear Sir, I'm starting up a small zoo, please send me a mongoose.

P.S. Send me another one."
One Ring to rule them all. One Ring to find them. One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

CrossEyed7

  • i can make this whatever i want; you're not my dad
« Reply #1187 on: September 27, 2009, 04:20:08 PM »
I silently giggled.
"Oh man, I wish being a part of a Mario fan community was the most embarrassing thing about my life." - Super-Jesse

« Reply #1188 on: September 27, 2009, 05:25:04 PM »
Who's guilty?

A wife wakes up from a dream yelling, "Hurry, my husbands home."

The husband wakes up and jumps out of the window.
One Ring to rule them all. One Ring to find them. One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

Chupperson Weird

  • Not interested.
« Reply #1189 on: September 27, 2009, 05:26:49 PM »
Told better, that would make a good joke, I think.
That was a joke.

Glorb

  • Banned
« Reply #1190 on: September 27, 2009, 10:47:22 PM »
dc just knocked me out with a one-two punch of funniness.

Not to jinx you, dawg, but I think you're probably the only funny member of this board.
every

« Reply #1191 on: September 27, 2009, 11:11:04 PM »
Somewhat of an internal chuckle on the first one, very close to losing on the second one.
If she is indeed genetically mutated such that she has an eye in the back of her head, then I guess that she is genetically mutated and has an eye in the back of her head.

« Reply #1192 on: September 28, 2009, 02:24:24 PM »
Here is a joke about modern culture.


THIS IS LABOUR GOVERNMENT

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

------------------------------------------------------------------------

LABOUR GOVERNMENT THE UK VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing 'We shall overcome'.

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London .

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain 's multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a government minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom .

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END
One Ring to rule them all. One Ring to find them. One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

Glorb

  • Banned
« Reply #1193 on: September 28, 2009, 02:50:24 PM »
Reading that post while listening to Rage Against the Machine is not recommended if you don't want to be angry for no reason the rest of the day.
every

« Reply #1194 on: September 28, 2009, 04:37:54 PM »
[Dc804's post]


IT'S A PERFECT WORLD MADE REALITY
YYur  waYur n beYur you Yur plusYur instYur an Yur Yur whaYur

« Reply #1195 on: September 28, 2009, 09:07:21 PM »
I not sure whether I'm stooping or elevating myself to Dc804's level with this one:

My girlfriend is a porn star.

She is going to be so ****ed off when she finds out.
YYur  waYur n beYur you Yur plusYur instYur an Yur Yur whaYur

« Reply #1196 on: September 29, 2009, 01:10:37 PM »
Do you go to the same joke site I do too?


They're bringing out a new Barbie doll called "Internet Barbie", which is really a fat guy claiming to be a hot blonde.
One Ring to rule them all. One Ring to find them. One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

Glorb

  • Banned
« Reply #1197 on: September 29, 2009, 01:32:26 PM »

IT'S A PERFECT WORLD MADE REALITY

You realize that whole post was about Britain, right?

Also I lost to Weegee's second post.
every

« Reply #1198 on: September 29, 2009, 01:58:01 PM »
A girl in a bar said to me, "I wouldn't have sex with you if you were the last person alive."

Leaning over and whispering, I replied, "But who would be around to stop me?"

Wiped the smug look off her face.
One Ring to rule them all. One Ring to find them. One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

Chupperson Weird

  • Not interested.
« Reply #1199 on: September 29, 2009, 02:50:35 PM »
Wait, that means she wouldn't be alive either.
That was a joke.

Print