I've wanted to kill myself countless times, often daily, and if there were some way to do it totally painlessly that I had easy access to, I probably would have done it years ago. I wish I could tell you that it's only temporary, but I know that even when it gets better, it never completely goes away. Maybe I'm just bipolar, but there have been so many times when I went from having the best day of my life to wanting to die in a matter of minutes. What's always kept me alive, though, is my family, God, a little bit of hope, and a little bit of fear. I know that my family, ironically the ones most likely to depress me so badly in the first place, would only get worse without me. I allow myself to doubt it at times, but when my mind is clear, I know it's true. I know, even though it rarely feels like it, that there are many people who would be devastated if I were gone (I think a distorted version of this is the reasoning behind many murder-suicides -- "I love you too much to let you live without me after I kill myself"). I believe that God has entrusted me, and all of us, with a mission, and that our lives are on loan from Him. To abandon that mission and to throw away all His gifts is, I think, a slap in the face to Him, and I don't want to have to account for it before Him. I have some hope for the future, of a better life, though this doesn;t figure in nearly as much as I used to. Instead, I've been slowly realizing over the last few years a philosophy that I encapsulate as "The future never comes; it's always the present." Life isn't like a movie, where we get to have montages and cutaways whenever the writers need to make a big change and can't figure out how to show the transition. We need to be the change. You won't be different tomorrow unless you change today. That can be either incredibly encouraging or incredibly discouraging; often some of both. And fear helps a bit too. As convinced as I am that my belief in God is well-placed, I know that I'm not absolutely certain about it, and there is a chance that I'll end up in a very bad spot if I die now. I don't know for sure what death will bring, so I want to make sure I get something out of life just in case.
I can't tell you everything's going to be all right. All I can do is tell you, one suicidal kid to another, what's kept me alive. And that I wish I was there so I could hug you. Maybe it sounds stupid and trivial and dismissive, but I know that so many of my funks, even the ones lasting months or even years on end, could have been broken with a good hug. I'll also tell you that you probably ought to try and get some good counseling, if not from a professional then from anyone you really trust. I know I should.
HSAT, I must admit I'm curious as to how the vacuum option is supposed to work. Do you mean getting pushed out into the vacuum of space, or putting a vacuum hose down your throat and sucking out all the oxygen? Neither sounds comfortable.
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