My girlfriend showed me a pregnancy test she took last night, and the result was positive.
I said, "Should we keep it?"
"No point" she replied, "You can only use them once."
...
Like a lot of people, I spend about 10 unnecessary minutes in the shower.
About 9 of them are spent giggling at the surface runoff at the end of my penis which makes it look like I'm taking a ****.
...
On the train today, someone asked me what's in my briefcase.
I told him that inside it was a smaller briefcase.
"And what's in that?" he asked.
I said "there's a succession of briefcases, each one smaller than the last".
"And what's in the smallest one?" he asked.
"Child porn."
...
My girlfriend told me last night that she hates me when I'm drunk.
I said, "Good, because I ****ing hate you when I'm not."
...
I’m starting to suspect my girlfriend’s not been straight with me.
She’s got a six inch ****oris and her name’s Kevin.