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Author Topic: You Laugh, You Lose  (Read 300824 times)

« Reply #480 on: May 27, 2009, 07:51:09 PM »
YYur  waYur n beYur you Yur plusYur instYur an Yur Yur whaYur

ShadowBrain

  • Ridiculously relevant
« Reply #481 on: May 27, 2009, 09:10:36 PM »
I won.
Won? I didn't know the thread was over.
"Mario is your oyster." ~The Chef

« Reply #482 on: May 27, 2009, 09:29:39 PM »
Couldn't it be considered "winning" if someone EVERYONE lost to your post?
YYur  waYur n beYur you Yur plusYur instYur an Yur Yur whaYur

Turtlekid1

  • Tortuga
« Reply #483 on: May 28, 2009, 08:34:21 AM »
Personally, I look at every page as a new round.  As such, I haven't lost in several "rounds."
"It'll say life is sacred and so is death
but death is life and so we move on"

Luigison

  • Old Person™
« Reply #484 on: May 28, 2009, 11:18:43 AM »
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.  She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’  I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”  “No,” she answered.  I then said, “Is that your final answer?”  She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ”Yes.”  So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And then the fight started….

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.  I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different  anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”  My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”

And then the fight started….

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.  My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’  ‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’  ‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.  “I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”  He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"  Nah, she can order for herself.”

And then the fight started…

******************************************

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’  I replied, ‘Your eyesight’s darn near perfect.’

And then the fight started…
“Evolution has shaped us with perceptions that allow us to survive. But part of that involves hiding from us the stuff we don’t need to know."

« Reply #485 on: May 28, 2009, 12:46:30 PM »
I laughed at approximately 66% of those jokes.


« Last Edit: May 28, 2009, 12:54:16 PM by PaperLuigi »
Luigison: Question everything!
Me: Why?

« Reply #486 on: May 29, 2009, 02:36:21 PM »
Did you make those up, or are they true Luigison? I lost every time.

Glorb

  • Banned
« Reply #487 on: May 29, 2009, 02:45:55 PM »
(post)

Quote from: Glorb, after reading each section
OOOOOH SNAP
every

« Reply #488 on: May 29, 2009, 03:03:01 PM »
Lost to a good half of 'em, I did. They honestly sound like unused comebacks from All in the Family.
YYur  waYur n beYur you Yur plusYur instYur an Yur Yur whaYur

Rao

  • Arr! Ay! Oh!
« Reply #489 on: May 29, 2009, 04:56:27 PM »
Although I found all of them hilarious, I never laughed.
What's your problem, Cambodian?

ShadowBrain

  • Ridiculously relevant
« Reply #490 on: May 29, 2009, 05:21:22 PM »
"Mario is your oyster." ~The Chef

« Reply #491 on: May 29, 2009, 05:39:13 PM »
Part I

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "**** off, you won't bring it back."

Part II

A chicken goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Why would you want one?"

The chicken replies "to get to the other side."
One Ring to rule them all. One Ring to find them. One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.

Turtlekid1

  • Tortuga
« Reply #492 on: May 29, 2009, 05:48:54 PM »
The first one almost had me.  It may or may not have been the swear that made it funny.
"It'll say life is sacred and so is death
but death is life and so we move on"

ShadowBrain

  • Ridiculously relevant
« Reply #493 on: May 29, 2009, 05:59:37 PM »
I'd heard it before, but as a stand-up one-liner: "I buy books on suicide at the bookstore. You can't get them at the library because people don't return them."
"Mario is your oyster." ~The Chef

« Reply #494 on: May 29, 2009, 06:15:08 PM »
A word of forewarning: A number of the following Helen Keller jokes are so utterly distasteful that they have caused the cast of South Park to blush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What's Helen Keller's favourite colour?
-Cotton.

How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
-She answered the iron.

How did she burn the other side?
-They called back.

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
-You would too if your name was "Urgghrrghrh".

What did Helen Keller do when she fell into the well?
-She screamed until her hands turned blue.

Why were Helen Keller's hands purple?
-She heard it through the grape vine.

Have you ever seen a picture of Helen Keller's father?
-Neither has she.

Why did Helen Keller have holes throughout her face?
-She tried eating with a fork.

If Helen Keller was psychic, would she call it her "fourth sense"?

What was Helen Keller's favourite book?
-Around the Block in 80 Days.

Did you know that Helen Keller had a doll house in her backyard?
-Neither did she!

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her for swearing?
-They washed her hands with soap.

What do you call a tennis match between Helen Keller and Stevie Wonder?
-Endless Love.

How can you annoy Helen Keller?
-Glue doorknobs to the walls.
-Rearrange the furniture.
-Put Seran Wrap over the toilet.

Once again, what's Helen Keller's favourite colour?
-Black.

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
-Because she's a woman.

Why couldn't Helen Keller play on her high school football team?
-Because she's a woman!
YYur  waYur n beYur you Yur plusYur instYur an Yur Yur whaYur

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